Sunday Travels

it's just after 4pm on Sunday.  i've been busy, but i'm pretty much done with the day.  i'm waiting for my brother to show through so we can eat dinner.  it hasn't been quite the day i thought it would be, but it has been all the day it is going to be, and so that's just fine with me.  i didn't log yesterday, so i have to catch up a bit today.

to start with, i went to my parent's house yesterday morning, though i did my morning stuff.  prayed, took meds and had something to eat, sausage and eggs if i remember correctly.  i went to my parent's house because my mother had called to tell me the cable people were there and i wanted to make sure they got things done right.  plus i had to go to the store. 

while there i made them some breakfast and checked the televisions to make sure everything was working right, then i went home.  i had done some cleaning, some laundry and was trying to get back on track, but got stalled by not having a place to put the old television.  so i eventually just messed around and relaxed.  i'd already done my prep-work on the chicken the day before and wasn't going to grill until today, so there wasn't much else to do.

today i got up and prayed and ate and took my medicine and read my books.  i took a shower and shaved, and i went to the Hall.  i only stayed for the talk, not the Watchtower, then i went back home to do some things before i went to the meeting.  i stopped by my parent's house again because there was a wire left hanging in the trees, but someone had already taken it down.  i went to the meeting but got a text that it was cancelled due to utility work on a pole that had been knocked down.  so i came home, made my green beans, got my chicken out of the marinades and just finished grilling not long ago. 

i'm really tired, and there's a lot going on.  i am ready to eat and shut it down.  i'm ready to get to work tomorrow.  but for now, i'm waiting for my brother.  i'm thankful for the change of schedule, and i'm thankful for the rest.  thank you, Father, for all the blessings today.

Cruise Control

always something, when spring sort of sneaks in.  especially when winter shows an obvious reluctance to rest for its seasons.  but the easiest way to tell is the lengthening of the days.  regardless of the chill in the morning air and the gloom that sometimes hangs overhead like bad thoughts from high places, the day begins right after five in the morning and ends after 8 now, and it gets longer and longer.  its a good feeling, and it comes once a year and it leaves once a year as well.  but when it comes...man, there's practically nothing like it. 

today wasn't bad.  it wasn't the best of days, but it wasn't bad at all.  i'm not sure why the ambivalence.  it just seemed to be a day to get through, not one to enjoy nor one to bear up under either.  i got up early but was better rested without the drag of cold medicine recovery.  i didn't really eat breakfast, just nibbled on some chicken while i put my lunch together.  i did pray and read, and i did take my medicine.  i was at work on time and didn't stop as i'd planned to on the way.  the morning shift moved quickly, i went to my parent's house instead of to the gym and made them breakfast and ate my lunch and napped before going to finish the day.  the finish was fairly identical to the start, and i eventually came home.  maybe it's the 'eventually' that lends to my ambivalence.

TF had gotten in touch with me, and that usually means needing a favor anymore.  which usually entails me being inconvenienced to some extent.  that's not really something that i mind per se, but i definitely would like it if just once asking for something registered as an event that should happen as conveniently as possible.  but it rarely does.  in fact, it hasn't in so long it is almost as if it never did.  and it was mostly a waste of my time after work.  i had a situation at my parent's house that i was trying to streamline some of this stuff into that didn't happen and i had wanted to go to the store to get some things for the weekend, which also didn't happen.  and you just have to suck that shit up and breathe in and out and keep it moving, especially since the favor didn't even pan out due to the inconvenience.  BUT.  i'm not going to be able to accommodate it tomorrow, as i have a full roster in my work hours.  so, there you go.  but we'll see.  may God's will be done.

i am grateful for a day with few highs or lows, because a smooth cruise is always worth the relaxation it brings.  thank you, Father. 

well.

this is me pointing at me accusingly, about me not logging the way i'm supposed to.  Bad Tim. 

not really a bad Tim, though.  just a tired Tim yesterday, to be sure. 

Wednesday started with exhaustion, but i know why.  i took a heavy duty cold medicine on Tuesday night, trying to stave off what feels like a bad cold (nose runny, head stuffy, etc) and i woke up groggy as fuck.  barely able to get it in gear.  but i did eventually.  had a bullshit breakfast, got out the door well enough but through the whole day i was nodding.  and i knew that's what it was, but when  you're driving to work and having to scream at yourself to wake yourself up, it can be a bit daunting. 

again, work was essentially like a dream, but i was aware enough to know i didn't do a bad job.  we didn't have one guy, again, and the day went fast enough.  i had already told my mother i wouldn't be by, and i almost didn't go to the meeting, but in the end i knew Lester (secretary) was in fact hurting, whereas i was theoretically and metaphorically hurting, and so i went.  good meeting, short and to the point. 

the day ended with more speed, due to some of our clients going home from the workshop early.  i was just as tired in the second runs as in the first, but a bit more aware.  i stuck with a plan; i came home and got my dinner finished (i'd started it between runs), and i ate and cleaned my dishes and fought with the notion of a shower and shave but shelved that and went to bed.  i slept the night through, and though i was up at 3:30 this morning, i feel better for the sleep and the lack of heavy duty medicine last night.  also, on Tuesday i pushed myself on the treadmill, and my legs are still hurting from that foolishness but i am still walking so there's that.

my plan is to hit the gym today, to help my mother get her new C-Pap machine put together, to have my lunch which is packed and not compromise with something else, to have a good day at work and to get ready for a productive weekend.  that is the plan, but what the execution is is to turn it over to Jehovah God, to maintain gratitude and take it one thing at a time.  and i am grateful, because i can see progress even now.  so, time to start the day. 

...a day like yesterday...

i know i forgot to log because i had intended to put this picture of my niece up.  my sister, Loretta, came to town over the weekend with her child, and i finally got a picture of her in my phone.  adorable, of course.

anyway, yesterday was a day of rise and fall emotions.  it went well enough, and most importantly it ended well enough.  how the day ends is, in a big way, more important than how it starts.

i was up on time but not moving fast.  i prayed and read and ate, light breakfast, and i got out the door and to work on time.  i was tired, i'd taken meds for the gout flare over the weekend and they were taxing me. 

we got through the first part of the day, but it was where things went left on me as well. one of our residents has a more acute autism, i imagine.  he stays in his world, gestures arcanely with his hands and tends to take up whole bus seats.  but he is not particularly difficult, though he can be.  i had to stay vigilant with him on the bus as he was a bit grabby, and others with autism don't all like to be touched.  i did a good job, kept him in his seat (as he had gotten up once while the bus was moving) and keeping him from putting his hands on anyone else.  and when we got to his workshop, we began to unload the ones who can walk first, which is protocol.  walkers first, wheelchairs last, keeps order.  no one walked in with this individual, though he is a wanderer.  there was a sidewalk person out there who should have walked in with him, but she stayed by the wheelchair door.  her own supervisor corrected her, but when we dropped off our last person, mine felt it necessary to tell me that i can't just let that individual walk in by themselves.  it sat with me through the day, in some anger and even some resentment to be honest.  because i walked beside this person when no one would escort him, making certain he didn't take off down the sidewalk or into the bus lane.  i made sure he actually went into the workshop.  i did my job, but no mention is ever made of that.  by the amount of writing, i'm sure you can tell it sticks with me.

anyway, i went to the gym and did weights, and that helped.  and i went to my parent's house and made breakfast for everyone, which was cool, and talked to my sister about my daughter.  but i got to spend some time with this child, and that was cool too.  she helped me hear God, hear what i needed to; that i had done what i was supposed to, regardless of anyone's perception, and that if i hadn't been doing what i was supposed to, things might have been much worse.  i'm not special, i'm not important.  in the view of most people who are involved in this field, i'm 'just' a bus aide.  but i like it, and by Jehovah's grace i'm pretty good at it.  and that is enough of that.

last night i cleaned off my back porch of boxes and debris, i had a decent dinner and a treat for dessert, i showered and shaved and i slept well.  today is a new day, and i thank Jehovah for bringing me through the night to see it.  we'll see how today goes. 

ch-ch-ch-ch-chnges

nice day today.  turned out to be anyway. 

it's sunday evening now.  i have had a good day but i have things on my mind that i have to process.  started on this yesterday and moving forward now on my thoughts.  no conclusions yet.

the routine first.  i was up and feeling better, gout-wise.  not 100% but way better than yesterday.  so gout meds and neuropathic meds were in the mix this morning, and i took my regulars and said my prayer and ate and read and was feeling pretty good.  wait, i didn't read today.  that is right, i jumped into fixing my breakfast and moved on from there.

i did take a shower eventually, got ready for my meeting, but i wasn't rushing through the day.  i was just taking my time.  before i went to the meeting i put a load of clothes in the wash.  the meeting was good, short chapter, long discussion.  then to my parent's house, where my family gathered.  my baby sister and her husband and child and dog were in town and we were eating there, as her s.o. likes to cook for people.  i got to see my nephew and nieces and some of the great nephews and nieces, and that was cool.  ate, conversated and moved it out toward home. 

i'm going to get my clothes from the dryer, fix this TV cord and see if it works, put my clothes away, get myself ready for shut down and work tomorrow.  that's the overview of the day.

now, the mind-state.

on friday, i had company.  anonymous for now.  someone i'd come to think about in terms of more intimate company.  she came over as she said she had time and i acknowledged i'd enjoy her company.  she ate and we talked and i put forth the positive notion i got at the thought of dating her, and she seemed pleased with that.  but, and i did speak on this, she has a lot of stuff she is working on, and a lot of stuff that she needs to and isn't at the moment.   my history in that kind of interaction is a desire to fix a person, and i can't do that anymore.  i DON'T do that anymore.  and i suggested that we can definitely spend time but i don't want her to become someone that i 'work on'.  we were on those terms, but we ended up far more intimate than friends would indicate. 

i take responsibility for that.  my house, my environment, my speaking on why we should maintain a level of being beneficial without 'benefits', so to speak.  i could make all kinds of excuses, each with a degree of truth in them, but i won't.  the thing is, i know it's not something that i regret, but it is something i should not have done.  she is good people with some good things down the road.  i don't want to become any kind of deterrent for that, nor do i want to end up on the outside of friendship with her due to my own mental state right now. 

i am praying on it, and i am thinking it over.  i'll let you know as i know.  but i'm still grateful for the friendship, and i'm not regretting anything in large degrees. 

Saturday...

i had company yesterday, which is why i didn't log.  excuses, excuses...

it wasn't a bad day, in fact it was a good friday.  work was not hard, the day went rather smoothly and i had no complaints.  i was moving toward some out of town time, but i realized i needed to conserve some funds and decided to stay put.  my sister was on her way to town with her boyfriend and child and that gave me a chance to see her and them as well.  counseling was sad, as my counselor has experienced some serious losses lately.  i'm not much good at comforting, i realize lately.  there's so much hurt going around, so much loss, so many people in pain, i guess maybe part of the 'staying in the middle' thing that i default to is a counter-balance to my empathetic nature.  i know of so much sorrow that if i felt it all as i used to, i'd probably just lay under my bed.  but i grieve for her and with her and my prayers are with her and so many others right now.

today i had a gout flare.  i did pray and read and medicate, i've been working on this all day and think i'll be okay tomorrow.  i managed to clean my bathroom some and had time to visit my parents, see my sister, visit Lonnie and get the stuff that Marc brought by for me up on the porch and in the house.  but i did take my cane out today.  and i didn't unbundle myself, as i don't trust this weather still.  at this rate, i might be wearing a coat in June. 

i hope i can get my mind clear on my evening friday.  i'll talk more about it when i have it clear in my head.  but i am grateful to my Father for seeing me through this gout flare, and for watching over my friends who are going through it right now. 

The Dining Room

Care is Enough

i should submit this photo somewhere, what a capture.  a bird, a hawk, i believe, taking off from his perch and a young deer taking a crap.  it's so Synchronicitous. 

i was exhausted yesterday, and i was sick as well.  i think i mentioned that at some point?  anyway, today i got up and got it moving.  i made it to work and did the things i had to do in getting the day moving; prayer and meditation, readings and medications.  i didn't have breakfast here, but i stopped at McD's on the way to work.  Problem.  more on that later.

work wasn't bad, but i was still draggy, and the Boss and I weren't really syncing up the way we usually do. i was just out of rhythm in the morning.  by the end of the first run i was ready to go somewhere and go to sleep and that's what i did. 

at my parent's house i made coffee for my mom and took some sort of nap.  i went to take Syd to her appointment and i got some lunch from the Yankee Kitchen.  Problem. 

i went back to work, got it moving better for having an espresso double shot in the can and knowing the end of the day was near.  we were in a much better rhythm by that point and i was pondering the making of a soup.  i stopped at the 'Mart on my way home and got stuff to make the soup i was thinking about and to put together a spanish black bean dish as well.

when i got home i got to work almost immediately on the soup.  it took me several hours, but i got it made, a black bean and chicken soup with green, red and jalapeno peppers, black beans, corn, red onions, roma tomatoes, garlic cloves and rotisserie chicken.  it is quite delicious, i had a bit, and will go very well with some corn bread. 

now, the Problem.  and, of course, the Re:Solution (right?)

i haven't gone all the way over, but going over to whatever extent is playing with matches while standing in a puddle of gas.  for me it is.  the drive through lunches, the fast food bullshit, the rationalizations...it's out of control because i'm doing it, period.  and some might claim i'm being hard on myself, and they'd be right.  but truth is truth.  you don't try to control what is in control; you try to control what is outside your control.  and the need to try to control something is a great indicator that a thing is already farther gone than you might realize.  so i have to stop with the nonsense.  i was doing good, and i'm going to do good again.  i'm going back to the one day at a time eating and monitoring what goes in my mouth, and logging honestly.  that's also one of the easiest ways to know that i'm off-key, the lack of logging at the Dining Room.  no need to hide if you're doing nothing wrong, right?

so, i got to get my mind back around it.  no more fast food.  3 meals a day.  kill these sweets, these carbs.  stay in the gym.  work to live and live to become.  and take it one day at a time. 

i titled this as i did, because the Boss, Dee, asked me when i was going to get back to eating properly today.  i was stunned...only because i didn't know how to respond to someone caring enough to ask me the obvious question.  'The Emperor has no clothes on!'  so, i am grateful to Jehovah for the Boss, for VF, for Lonnie, for my sponsor, for a few others, who have always cared enough to be honest and want what is really best for me.  I love you all.  i'm done.  the Dining Room will resume tomorrow and continue in diligence. 

sick...

what a way to start a year...so i missed two days of journaling, don't know exactly why.  well, i kinda do.  i hit it on sunday, but monday i was so exhausted when i got in from work that i just collapsed after i ate and washed the dishes.  i don't know why, but i have a sneaking suspicion.  yesterday, i did a bit better in the evening but during the day i was all tore up, stomach wise.  in and out of the bathroom, though i made it to the gym.  it wasn't a bad day, just a bowel day, so to speak.  and i woke this morning, said my prayers, ate a tiny-light breakfast to take no chances, and it did no good.  i've been to the bathroom twice already and am threatening to go often and with intensity.  so i called off today.  going to try to get this out of my system.  thing is, i hated calling off, but when my stomach got to rumbling and churning, i knew it was the right thing to do.  i can't inconvenience the Boss and the clients that way, though me not being there isn't exactly a convenience either.  but i also have to take care of me.  and that's what i'm going to do today. 

so the plan is;  wash my bedding, just cause it's needed, do my meeting, get some groceries in, mail a letter and a book and rest for the afternoon.  then get my ass up in the morning and get to work, hell or high water.  and if God wills it, because that's the real qualifier of everything. 

i'm grateful for the time off, and grateful to have what i need to take care of me.  thank you, Jehovah.

a good day...

blessed, abundantly so.  i have no complaints, except the rain, and that's minor at best. 

i was up earlier than i wanted to be, but that was okay.  i prayed, thanked God for another year, got up and had coffee and my medicine, read my scriptures and meditation books and i worked on some music.  then i went to Denny's to have breakfast.  i went to my parent's house from there, made my mom coffee and made my way back home.  on the way to their house, i stopped at walmart looking for an ethernet splitter and short cabling, didn't find it but ran into Rachel's mom, and i got a hug from her and a possible invite to speak at her book club.  so i guess things do get better.

from my parent's house i came home.  i had put a load into the wash when i left and wanted to get them dried before i went to the meeting.  i got them dried and folded, went to my meeting, which was more attended than usual, good thing.  Marc brought lemon-meringue pie of which i had a piece.  after the meeting i went to Sparkles in search of fish but they had none, so i decided on salisbury steak. 

after the store i went to Lonnie's house to visit.  he had his grandson and i watched him feeding the child.  Syd texted me and told me she was at my house so i went home.  Syd and I hung out for some hours, had pizza and i just took her home as she was feeling tired and sore. 

it has been a wonderful day.  it is a day of transition, but that has been seamless thus far.  i am very appreciative of everyone who showed me love and kindness.  it is not about the gifts; it is about the spirits who consider our friendship worth conscious thought and time.  it is not what we created; it is that WE create IT, in other words.  Vibologially sound, and filled with light and love, nothing better to close out my first day of fifty. Thank you, Father. 

the Dining Room

good bye, 49

 well, it's almost done now.
49, good bye now.
it's been fun (well, kinda),
glad you'll be behind,
uh, can you close the door, please?
April's got a winter breeze...

 what a year it has been,
moved and then moved again.
broke up with my girlfriend,
daughter left school, and then
pregnant with her boyfriend...
boy, the fun never ends...

 parents keep on going,
brother scrapping and not slowing,
book collection growing,
my coat i keep sewing.
grandchild finally showing,
too much that i'm knowing...

it's down to the last now.
time is moving fast now.
the hills rising, past now,
all downhill and fast now.
love is still my motive,
light one more prayer votive,
whisper to Jehovah,
'thanks for letting me know you'...
working with good people,
(but they're so damn cheap...whoa...)
took a furtive leap, yo,
up to my neck, deep, though,
when i think about it,
i chose not to doubt it,
chose to be about it,
now i'm going to shout it.
50 years, a blessing,
so many damn lessons,
but nothing would i change,
from the staid to the strange,
for i love my 'right here'...
so i guess i'll stay here.


today was good.  nothing eventful.  it's the day before the odometer rolls.  i've enjoyed my last day at 49, i thank Jehovah for life and love and friendship, for family and shelter and food for my body and my spirit.  whatever comes, it is still one day at a time.  good bye, 49.  see you tomorrow, 50. 

wolfflow05.wixsite.com/zphylespublishing

Being Loved (serious shit)

 well, i'm going to try not to get too emotional.  it's now about 6:30 pm on Friday. i'm tired, my feet hurt, it has been a longish day.  but i feel good.  i feel, in fact, pretty damn special, and i have to admit as well, i'm not used to that feeling.  not coming from other people.

start with the basics.  i prayed and got up this morning.  in no hurry, about 4:12.  i went to the kitchen, read my books, took my medicine and had a light breakfast.  i put a load of clothes in the wash to be dried when i got home and i left for work.  i'd dressed in the shoes and clothes i just got, as i told our clients i was dressing in my 'birthday stuff' today.  i got to work early as usual, and waited for the run to start.

today we took a new person with us, to show her some things about aiding on the bus.  it was different but nothing we couldn't get through.  we made the early runs, got back and i cleaned the seats and swept and mopped the floors in the bus before i left for counseling.  i got something from the Bell to nosh on quickly, as i was feeling depleted energy-wise.

Counseling was the first thing.  and to backtrack just a hair, yesterday i got the proofs of TO DECEMBER, and i inscribed two of them.  one for the Boss, and one for VF.  so, i got to counseling, and VF had a lovely coffee mug for me disguised as a bag of coffee.  which was nice, and it was lovely, as you can see in the picture.  it is vibrant, as my spirit feels these days, and i loved it and will drink coffee from it in the morning.

i then went to my parent's house.  my dad was gone but my mom was there and i made her some breakfast and told her i'd bring them some fish dinners later.  i left my dad money for rent and i went to get myself some lunch and get back to work.

the afternoon runs were amazing for me.

when we got to the workshop out in Champion, the Boss handed stuff out to the folks to give me for my birthday on Sunday.  i will photograph and post this, but it is beyond belief for me.  an abundance of shirts, a pair of pants and three cards, one of which went home with a client who shares my name.  also shortbread iced cookies, which were extremely thoughtful, as we'd been talking about them on the bus.  now, i kinda knew she was listening to me for cues for things as possible presents, and i have been all over the map to keep her from doing that, as i didn't want her to go overboard and realized she has that capacity.  but, i am undone, honestly.

see, thing is, i didn't grow up with birthdays.  i grew up with contention and strife concerning birthdays, holidays and the like.  and, i have sort of yes and sort of no done things on birthdays, for my children especially (mostly Syd, I admit).  but as i've gotten older, i think i was more just about the acknowledgment.  i didn't want things, per se.  i wanted to just be acknowledged as being here, being a part of, being someone important to someone.  and more and more, the older i get, the less likely that seemed.  the kids, i'd have to curse them out to get a response most often.  my recovery friends are pretty much all gone, a handful remain.  and it's not the biggest deal in the world.  there are whole colonies starving, ravaged by war, people in the midst of huge turmoils.  i am not important at all in the big picture, and i know that.

but, a group of individuals who appreciate the small things, kindness, love, respect, attention, time, reciprocity, empathy, intelligence in response to their existence...they have shown me kindness, they have shown me that i matter to them.  they do every day.  and it means the world to me.  i will not short change that at all.  my driver does too.  my counselor does too.  my friends who remain do too.

i could, as i've stated to someone today, go to sleep now, wake on Monday, and feel that i missed nothing at all.  i'm not ever afraid of getting older.  i just don't want to be disregarded.  and today, i am not.

i thank Jehovah for allowing me such an abundance of love today.

The Dining Room

another good day

i'm not going to belabor this for long.  this was a good day.  i have no complaints and won't manufacture any either.  i got up and did the morning right, said prayers and took meds and read and had breakfast.  i got to work on time despite not rushing and i had a good morning run.  i went to my parent's house, changed clothes and went to the gym to do the weight machines today.  when i was done i went back to my parent's house, made my mom coffee and my parent's breakfast.  i went and got lunch from giant eagle and went back to work to work with an aide who hasn't been trained properly.  the second half of the runs was cool, got a chance to see a client's new house and got a present along the way.  i've had my dinner, showered and shaved, and am ready for tomorrow.  the proofs for TO DECEMBER came in and they look good.  i approved both sets of proofs for printing so that by Monday, Tuesday latest, both will be available for softcover purchase.  i'm about to shut it down because it's been a full day and i am tired.  i thank you, Jehovah, for a good day. 

A Day of a Cold

i don't know.  this was an exceptionally good day, and admitting it is not a problem for me.  but yesterday wasn't bad either, and point of fact is, i've not had a lot of really bad days lately.  i'm glad to say that, but i don't want to get to where i am forgetting to keep track of the good, because that's just as important as keeping track of the bad or the questionable.  in fact, at times moreso. 
yesterday i was up and out with the usual doings.  i prayed and read and took my meds on my new schedule and i got dressed and had breakfast and took off.  but i'd been congested for some days, had been headache-y for a while and was just weary, like i couldn't get it going at all for a moment or three.  in the end, when i left work, it was because the Boss is trying to get a card for the residents for me for my birthday, and the timing was fortuitous.  i had no problem with it, and was flattered to leave for that purpose.  when i got home, i did a couple of things, baked a chicken, had soup and medicine, slept, watched some television, just chilled.  did me a world of good to be honest. 

today was the same, without the weariness. but in the morning, rather than cooking, i went to speedway and got two grill roll up thingies and a starbucks double shot in the can.  without the water pill in the morning, it did me justice. 

at my parent's house, my mom was gone to get her hair done.  i talked to my dad briefly, hung out, watched some television and went to my meeting.  small, but several people i've not met before which always makes me feel good.  we were doing the 12th Tradition. most people don't really like the traditions, or aren't really taught the importance of them.  i had to leave a bit early as i had to get some lunch. 

the morning and afternoon runs were really nice.  laughing and joking, and smiles from unlikely places.  at this time (1822) i've finished dinner, dishes and sweeping the kitchen floor.  i'm laying down catching up.  waiting for my new book proofs to come in.  though i'm going to take time tomorrow to get my ad campaign started.  they're not serious works, but they are birthday books, so i am obligated to do it up. 
i am grateful for a good day like this, as it is nice to not have all days of feeling a loss.  i still miss Rachel, but its okay for now.  thank you, Father.

wow...

...i mean, it's like i just vanished, huh?  how odd.  i can't even begin to explain why i just dipped on journaling like that.  i know it's been a very great amount of detail for the past several days.  i know i have hit some goals and need to get back to working on some others and set some new ones as well.  and i know my friend's death has me thinking a bit more mortally than usual.  but still, to just not write and to not realize that i'm not writing...that's odd, even for me. 

today was pretty common, but it had some twists along the way.  for one, i have been trying to switch the order of taking some of my meds, so that my bladder can sustain our route for the morning runs.  it went well enough during the experimental phase last week, but today, after being off for 2 days, i just took the Lasix as if i wasn't already invested in saving that one at least until the afternoon.  but i did manage to pee several times before we started the run, and only had to go once we hit the first workshop, so that was okay, but i'm already preparing for tomorrow.  then one of our client was very emotional today.  he and his mother are moving and change is not something that most autistic individuals handle with a grin and a grain of salt.  over the weekend i was trying to find someone with a pickup truck as the client in question's mother is trying to give me some stuff i can use, but that didn't pan out either.  i did get up and pray however.  without rushing i took meds and insulin and read my morning books and scripture, and i had breakfat before going to work.  i did the job and i went to the store and got a chicken to bake sometime in the near future. 

i will get back to something more orderly tomorrow.  i'm just grateful to Jehovah for my life and the ability to write it down. 

a friend is gone.

  it's a sad thing when a good person leaves this reality.  it's not something to be taken lightly.  and don't get me wrong.  no death should be taken lightly, in my opinion.  and that's all it is, an opinion, but not one that will get anyone drunk or high, that i know of.  i mean, life is precious, moreso than any other commodity that mankind has placed such value on. because, even more than land, there is only one life you have on this plane.  only one.  you get it, you use it, it's gone and you're gone. and when you're gone, you can only hope that whatever you did meant something to someone somewhere who's still behind. 

Cheryl Saunders-Watkins was my friend.  not a close friend, but definitely more than an acquaintance.  we didn't share deeply at any particular time.  we didn't hang out, didn't break bread unless it was at a function of many recovering addicts.  but Cheryl was the truth.  she didn't shy away from the horror show her life had been, nor the elements of horror that lingered in her recovering life.  she didn't try to become something else in order to appease the gods of pretense and bullshit.  she was who she was.  and she used that, and the 12 steps, to carry a message, the way a message is to be carried. 

one of the last things she told us, last month in fact, was to prepare for her death.  she knew what was going to happen, because she knew, i believe, what she was planning to do, to alleviate the hurting, to bring to an end the pain and the weight of living completely compromised.  i won't go into any details.  they're not needed.  i will only say that i will miss my friend, even though she wasn't coming much to meetings as her health was in a bad decline.  i will miss her sarcasm, her bitterness and her unconditional love.  i will miss her honesty, which is always in short supply in meetings these days.  i'm glad she's not hurting anymore, glad she's not struggling for her next breath. 

i don't have anything to say about me right now.  i'm just trying to honor my friend.  i thank Jehovah for her pain being gone, and i thank Him for allowing me to say good bye, even though at the time i didn't know i was saying it. 

Dreams and Conclusions

i dreamed of Rachel this morning. 

i believe it was the first time since we separated, and it was interesting.  i had woke up at 4 with my alarm, but was not willing apparently to get up and get it shaking.  so i fell back asleep.  and in 15 minutes, i dreamed that i was at a doctor's appointment, and the doctor was waiting for his staff to come in before he would see me.  when his staff came in, i noticed a woman who looked like Rachel. on investigating I found it wasn't her, but Rachel was there.  she had put on some weight, had long straight hair and was dressed professionally.  i felt my breath catch in my body seeing her.  she told the doctor she'd take care of my registration and sat me down and got my information.  she told me she'd been okay, that she'd been eating more and had finally 'gotten her weight back'.  she gave me a hug, and it felt so good to hold her again.  on a sad note, i asked her if she still loved me, and she didn't reply.  i waited for her answer, and then i woke up with the question unanswered.  or unanswered verbally, anyway. 

i miss her, but i'm not dying and i have no plans on it.  i have done a bit of work in the past 9 months and i'm not done yet.  i got up this morning and changed some things to try to get some manageability on my bladder and bathroom situation.  i didn't take my BP pills or my water pill.  i didn't drink coffee early nor did i drink much water, only 3 sips.  i had breakfast but no coffee.  i got through the early runs without a problem as a result, and that tells me the problem is between the pills and the liquids.  i'm going to add my Nifedipine back in tomorrow morning and see how i do.  i'm going to keep altering until i find the combination that allows me to work without having to run to the bathroom every day.  yesterday was a horror show and i am determined not to go through that again.  but anyway...

work was better today. at my parent's house i had to clean the driveway because the windstorm blew parts of the tree off, and i got the wifi reset but couldn't order my mother's supplies.  i made my meeting, which was very small, and i kept it moving because i had to do the 2nd half of work. 

later i took Syd to the store as she had her money in, and i took her to dinner as i didn't feel like cooking this evening.  i came home after, though i was thinking about going to Lonnie's house, because the snow was starting to stick and was definitely annoying.  doesn't matter, it snows when it snows, but i didn't want to keep driving around in the midst of all these stupid drives.  so i'm at home.  i've journaled now, i have showered and shaved and i'm ready for the day tomorrow.  i thank Jehovah for blessing us with so much, and for putting up with me in so many ways. 

one down...

...one to go. 

this has been a rough day.  i have to detail this shit out, because i need some solutions, some resolution and some straight up understanding asap. 

to start with, the lad on the left is, of course, me.  that is going to be the cover of my new poetry collection which will be released on my birthday.  it's entitled FIFTY, and it is exactly what it may sound like it is.  but that's neither here nor there.  look at the gang signs before there were even any crips or bloods, hahahahahaha!

anyway, today.  what was wrong with me?  i was sluggish and dull.  i dragged my ass out of bed and just got dressed, didnt' even think about showering or shaving or anything else.  i got dressed in yesterday's clothes and ate a little and had half of a half cup of coffee and got my ass out the house.  i'd also said my prayers and taken my meds, read my books, so i felt i was on good ground.  but i was apparently wrong. 

starting off, i have hbd and diabetes, to that end i take water pills.  so to not go to the bathroom around the clock is an accomplishment, but it couldn't last forever.  i peed 2 times before i left home and two times at the shop and STILL had to pee on the first runs.  that was a constant theme of my morning.  pissed at a store, pissed at the first workshop we took clients to, pissed at the back of my parent's driveway and pissed twice at my parent's house.  i was still pondering my friend's death and was just not tracking very well. 

i decided i needed to start again.  not to mention really needed a wardrobe change.  so i went to the gym, went home and showered.  i changed clothes.  i made myself a salad.  i took trash out.  i got a wrap from the food truck to go with my salad. i got back to work and the rest of the day went rather smoothly. 

now, i think i need to change the order in which i take my medicine.  in the early morning, i'm taking both a blood pressure pill and a diuretic.  i'm fairly sure that has a lot to do with me having to go to the bathroom so much.  so tomorrow i'm going to hold off on both those pills, and after we finish the first series of runs i'll take them and get on with the day.  difference is, when i take them, i'm having to pee constantly, like my body just says 'fuck it, get rid of any water from the last 24 hours', or something like that.  so, we'll see. got to keep making the necessary changes, so i can get better with the things i do. 

i finished the manuscript for TO DECEMBER, and i'm working on the poetry for FIFTY.  they should be released together.  i'm glad to be writing.  glad to pay bills.  glad to have shelter from the storm.  i thank Jehovah for all these blessings, and the protective blessings that i am not even aware of.  more tomorrow.

it is something, to lose a friend.  

yesterday at the meeting someone came into the room with a report that a friend of mine had passed.  i refuted it on the grounds that the way the individual told it to me was way off-key, and i could find no verification of it.  but something in me knew.  

i'd seen this friend last month, she came to the wednesday noon meeting, she had just passed 19 years.  there was a gravity around her, so heavy you could feel that there was a crash coming.  she spoke of her absence, of the burden of the constant need for oxygen.  she spoke of how she didn't like to come to the meetings because she was always late now, because she couldn't move without coming up short of breath.  i told her she was our honored guest, and that she should get there whenever she wanted to.  

she also spoke about her death, saying that she wanted us to get ready for it.  i didn't take it seriously.  i knew she was a fighter.  what i didn't know was how tired she was.   

her name was Cheryl Saunders, and she was my friend, though she could be an abrasive person sometimes.  i am sorry that she chose to check out.  

i don't want to write on anything else today, i don't think.  i am grateful to Jehovah for the day.

Fifteen...

counting down days until my birthday.  i'm not really all that excited, but i do plan on writing a collection of poetry to release that day, and so that turns me on a bit. 

it hasn't been a bad weekend, hasn't been a bad day for sure.  i grilled yesterday, so dinner was pretty much ready for today.  when i got up i was slow motion, knowing this is the last day before going back to work, so there was stuff that would have to be cut short and other things to do early.  i said my prayer, went downstairs to dry the clothes i'd washed the day before and got my medicine down.  i made my breakfast and ate and read my meditation books and bible.  i got the clothes from the dryer after i had cleaned the kitchen and i just kind of hung out until meeting time. 

the meeting was small as usual.  i'd forgotten i volunteered to chair this month, but that's cool too.  i'm grateful for the opportunity, grateful to be alive.  after the meeting i went to my parent's house, made their dinner and talked to my mom. 

i came home, made my dirty rice, heated up my meal and ate.  i've watched some television, washed dishes.  i have to get a pot of coffee ready for the morning and then it's a done deal til 4am. 

i cooked a lot of food, but i honestly don't feel the urge to gorge myself.  i've eaten to the point of being fuller than i normally am (good, GOOD ribs) but that's not an issue either.  Tuesday i'll take the food to my parent's house.  maybe tomorrow, as my mom did allude to my father eating half the meatloaf i made this evening.  nonetheless, i only made what i made because it was what i wanted, not because i am still in 'overcook' mode from being a father and having company and companionship.  i feel okay.  i'll sleep well enough.  and i am looking forward to resuming work tomorrow.  i thank Jehovah for a good day.