it's the week end ending. i've been a couple days not writing. i know. can't exactly say why, processing some things, for sure. you know about that, if you have come to know me at all. but you should know, under those circumstances, that things have changed enough that i'm about to catch up, and that's where the importance lies.
so. it's sunday morning right now. just about seven, i'd reckon. good night sleep, but not the night before. didn't go under til almost 2 in the am. too much coffee, too much everything i guess. anyway, let's go back a hair.
friday, i didn't have to work. that was cool, as i thought i was going to have to, and would willingly have gone in. but it was taken care of, apparently, and i didn't have to go. so i worked on music, and i wrote a bit, and i took care of some me things. i sent a line in to Rachel, got a line out, but a tentative one (hence, the working out things in my head, if you didn't figure that out), and i got on with the day. went to lunch with Lonnie, got some things from the store, watched some anime, took it easy. mainly, took it easy. and i came to some conclusions, which i'll share a bit later. the day was cold, as it was yesterday and is right now as well. so not doing much, not running around, not trying to be 20 years old anymore makes more sense to me as days go by and season's change. i'm getting comfortable in this breaking down vehicle, same as i am in my physical car. long as the wheels turn and we've got enough gas to get there, my worries are minimal and my gratitude is real. i kind of like that.
drank a pot of coffee on friday, though. i'm sure that contributed to the lack of sleep, but honestly is what works here, and honesty is telling that not hearing back from Rachel after a point was keeping me checking back on my messenger and running a dialog in my head. in this Journey, i've never once said i didn't still love her. i still love cocaine, somewhere down deep, but i've worked enough Steps enough times to know that if i hit a pipe one time, i'd set up the 'phenomenon of craving' once more. last summer, after i got this house in 'habitable' condition with my old friend Bryan, we sat on my porch, he lit a Black and Mild and, idiotically, i took a hit from it. regular cigar, mind you, not a weed blunt, just a 'Black', in 'hood vernacular'. immediately, the light headed feeling, the spinning, the taste...the TASTE...came back. ONE HIT. i didn't go for a cigar, didn't take another, forced myself to stay still for a few days, to make sure it was out of my system. i am an addict, obsessive/compulsive.
let's move on for now.
Saturday, i woke. i was hurting, jack. i mean it. chest, back, shoulders, knees. old-man walking through the kitchen. turned on the coffee pot, got my water, got my sugar read (one-fucking 60???), took some fast acting, my regular insulins, my pills. read my meditation books, but not the bible. had breakfast, meat loaf and eggs. gathered clothes. read some Mickey Spillane. watched some anime. felt the gravity of my warmish house as opposed to the coldish day. but there were things to be done. so, i gathered clothes, bagged up trash, loaded the car and threw the bag in the can and took off for Hubbard. i was on an expedition to supply for winter.
Hubbard had no banks that i needed, so i pushed on to Girard through Liberty. i got money for the wash, i did my clothes, and went to Niles to try to find gifts and a coat and boots and shit for myself. no coat, no boots, some shit. found the bluetooth headphones i need for a client on my last route. birthday was the 4th, i missed it but i keep my word. went to several stores, too. no coat, no boots. got some decent coffee, got my mom some biscotti, got ice cube trays. cereal and seasoning salt. not much. i should have gotten dinner stuff, but i didn't. i went to my parents, exhausted after running in and out of stores. good walking though. visited with them for a hot minute. and then i came home. i had leftovers for dinner, a soup i'd made that is super-duper-hot. tried to watch some more anime but that didn't pan out. finally, i went to sleep, and am just waking again. got cloths to put away. i did order a coat on Amazon, but that's risky for size. i got a meeting this afternoon, have to prepare something for our pot luck. have to get some groceries, running out of the incidentals. need butter.
some observations.
a lot of black people out shopping yesterday, wondering what the season is. parents and children and older folks. something is happening where black people need to be seen, we are always out but it was very color coordinated yesterday. Burlington sucks. a woman was looking for something called a 'treasure and trash' event in Girard, a sixty-year old woman who was very confused and slightly scared because she wasn't sure what the date was or what day it was. i tried to reassure her, urged her to just relax, and take care of herself. she left walking from the laundry-mat, afraid to take the main street. a young black cashier at Big Lots called me 'young man', letting me know the age is starting to show. it is a way of disarming old people right off the bat, very effective usually. my grandson is teething. it doesn't sound like he's weepy, just grouchy, and i like that he is so expressive. i may have the kids over for dinner this evening, not sure. but i'm going to cook because i want to eat something tasty today. i'm pretty sure that's it for now. time to get on the floor and exercise my ass.
thank you, Jehovah, for taking care of me.
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