just a day

sometimes it really is easier said than done.  and when that's the case, you still have to do it, best to quit talking about it and just do it.  then it may be easier said, but you're not talking about it.  and it might be harder to do, but you're doing it, and that's what matters.

i've not lost any weight in months.  i've not gained any.  i'm balanced at the weight i was last at.  i'm sure that means that i'm fucking up.  i don't like admitting that, but this isn't an orbit of lies and convenient sleight of hand.  i have to get back on my food plan, my food fiend is out of hand right now.  that's the last talk on that particular subject.

i got up and prayed and went to the gym.  i walked half a mile and did some weights.  i was feeling pretty out of sorts.  Syd's not doing well in math, and we had it out.  i'm not going to fight with her about her future.  maybe i should, maybe that's what makes a good dad.  but there is a saying that says, 'a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still'.  i know that applies to Syd because i know it applies to me.  she will have to learn.  but the extracurriculars are out.

i went to my doctor's appointment, obviously, since i know my weight is still what it was.  i like the new office and the new doctor.  she's profane and white trash, and she's smart as hell.  nothing not to like.  i went to my parent's house and i printed off the papers to take in to get my gym membership renewed.  i am wearied of so many things, but so what?  my doctor asked me about my depression due to the screening questions i answered.  i told her i deal with it by living.  that is a truth that i need to remember more often.

i came home and had lunch, and i got salmon ready for croquettes for dinner.  i began working on proofing the first half of Lazarus and my dad came over to talk for a bit.  i cooked dinner, thought about some things, talked to Lonnie and my son, and i'm in bed.

i am under stress.  it's mostly a waiting for shoes to drop kind of shit.  but that's not really it.  i am beset all around me.  i am dealing with this alone socially, not in reality. my mind is not always on board with what my spirit tells me must be done.  inner conflict.  i'm sick of it.  so i'm working on it, doing something about it.  but the main things are, pray more, eat less, exercise more and with more variety.  that's the deal.  and keep looking inside, see what toti is showing me, see what God is showing me.  what choice do i have?

i'm going to sleep soon.  i'm glad i got through this day, Jehovah, and i thank you for that gift.