doing things

this was not a stressful day, and i am appreciative of that.  i had some issues with my blood sugar level, but i suspect i may be on the verge of another cold, as opposed to actually having my levels so far out of whack.
i got up with prayer, tested my emotional waters and decided to stay in and do some catching up on things.  i saw Syd off to school (new phrase now that her friend is taking her to school) and i had breakfast.  i wrote quite a bit today, did some of the paperwork i've been slacking on and got my cover for Old Lazarus fleshed out.  it always surprises me; i used to draw, then i started writing, now the writing is easier than the art but the art is there.  it makes me feel good, like i can take care of things from one end to the other.  in the same token, i applied for and guess i was approved for a low credit line card.  it will be enough to start doing my books the way i want to, and will allow me to generate better credit.
i have been thinking about the traps that are still a part of my thinking.  i realized today that there has never been a time that 'nobody' was there for me.  there's always been someone somewhere in my life who was there when i really needed someone.  i know this is true, because i'm still topside rather than planted.  my nature is depressive with a strong dash of suicidal.  if i haven't pulled the plug, its because God's timing is perfect.  case in point, SL, whom i mentioned yesterday.  she did me a great service.  she could have just rightly told me to go to hell.  she could have just faded.  but she made sure that i knew it was just not something she wanted to do.  i never should have been moving in that direction.  she has a man, has someone on the side as well.  that made it just another complication waiting to happen.  so, God did for me what I wasn't willing to do for myself.  i am grateful, but can i start focusing properly?  can i walk the way i need to, to feel the way i want to feel?  i ate much better today, that's a start.  i cooked dinner for Syd so if she and her friend choose to eat leftovers tomorrow they can, and if not, then it'll be there whenever she wants to eat it.  tomorrow i go to the gym.  i have counselling.  been a little worried about VF, haven't heard from her in a bit.  but i'll see her tomorrow.  thank you God for a peaceful and productive day.