illusionist

i'm editing a book for a friend.  i can't give any details about it right now, but it is a powerful read.  it's a journey of insanity that i can relate to.  it is a lot for me to do, as it touches so many of my still raw nerves, but i am honored to be asked to do this, because it is an advancing of my own work in a way.  i'm happy about that part.

today, saturday, that is, was boring as hell.  i did nothing of worth, except write and edit, which are both good things.  i got up with prayer, had breakfast and got to editing in my friend's book.  i had to delay that as yahoo was acting up and i had to email from one account to another just to get started and just for yahoo to start acting right again.  it was a day of not good reflection, and i ate all wrong out of the emotional ride this has been, but i got it together later on.

i try to accept the boredom as part of the impending future.  Syd is almost grown.  i don't expect her to be here in her adult life.  i don't know if she'd be welcome, but in her genetics is the need to do things the hard way.  i need to experience not having her around and i need to begin adjusting my life to accommodate her departure as well.  i guess it's for the best.  but its an adjustment to be certain.  i never thought this would be my reality.  i think about that often now, about being a single father, about the journey with no destination that parenthood really is.  if you are trying not to emotionally cripple your child, then you might choose a trajectory but you can't map in coordinates.  they have to fly and find what they want to land on.  and sometimes that's wonderful, but it's fraught with anticipation and that sucks.

i think about her mother often.  i wonder if she realizes that she ended up with the life we would have had if she's been stable.  it doesn't matter, but i wonder.  as i get older, as i feel my ending being scripted, i don't have the same resistance to people that i've had, but i believe it's too late.  i believe that i've allowed far too much water to run under that bridge.  but that's life.  yesterday is stronger than tomorrow's hands.

i don't know what i'm doing sunday.  meeting, maybe.  Hall, maybe.  but i'm going to write.  i'm close to Lazarus' finish.  i have an option to investigate for paperback print.  i'm watching doors open and i'm happy with them.  this orbit is beginning to get interesting.  despite my boring day.  Thank you, Father.