i stopped today, and that was a good and a not good thing. I stopped because i got some disappointment yesterday. I didn't get the Kindle Scout publishing contract for Mechanical Jesus. I did not get my hopes up, but hope is hope. as a friend aptly put it, 'all hope has weight attached'. that is the gospel truth.
i found out through an email, after a week of what was supposed to be deliberation on their part. immediately i felt a coldness creeping on me. I know it was disappointment, but was it toward myself or the event? that's important to know. because i did nothing wrong. i see weaknesses in my foundation, but the foundation is holding. the weaknesses are those i allowed to come in over time. the isolation, the disgust with the world, the seclusion, losing touch with so many who could have brought in so many more votes. there is sacrifice in campaigning. i have to analyze for the next attempt. and that is one indication that it is not a disappointment in myself. there WILL be another attempt. The Book Of Old Lazarus will be done next month and it is going up for consideration as well.
the event itself? well, i can see, i have eyes. four hundred plus people contacted Amazon, gave them a once over. probably bought some shit while they were there. emails go out to those four hundred people that say 'you will be notified if this book is made available'. Amazon will get their pound of flesh. it's loaded, and it's janky, but it is not unfair. i knew all this going in. it's a chance. the door hasn't closed. i've lost nothing but time, and there's only so much of that anyway. so, i am feeling better. i stayed in today. i felt like not being bothered, but by God's grace, i didn't get my way. my brother and his friend stopped by so i could get her laptop running. brand new laptop, just plug it in, boot it up, fill in the blanks and there you go. but my brother was checking on me. my friend Bob stopped by, brought me a plate, worrying about me. we talked for a long time. i ate my dinner, which i cooked, and i have a plate for tomorrow, should i be so inclined. i am again grateful, i am humbled. there are always lessons if you are always a student.
I start training on monday for the recovery coach position. i am sort of looking forward to it. especially in light of the book not being picked up. it's going to be a week long, 8am to 5pm, and i'm not sure if it's a paid training gig or not. i have paperwork to go over, quizzes to fill out. that's going to be a tomorrow thing. i will give it my all, as i believe in doing now, when i give my word i keep my word. but i am still dubious. all this, just to secure funding that you had access to all along anyway. we humans are kind of dumb.
i didn't text R today. i didn't want to check up on her. I did text TF, and she says she's still not doing well. i don't expect her to be, but i'm not putting my hand any further out than it is. i figure, if she needs me she knows where i am. if she doesn't want to need me she has a right not to.
i don't know exactly how i'm feeling. Syd's doing better in school. my uncle Tommy, stricken with the same ailment that Muhammad Ali has, in now unable to walk by himself. i have decisions to make about my end of life stuff. a friend is about to get into a horrible marriage and i am not going to say anything because she's not going to listen to me. the world continues on, and nothing changes. but i've changed. therefore, something changed, and therefore some things change. too metaphorical. i went to bed early yesterday, i woke way too early today and i am tired now. so i guess i'm going to bed. thank you, Jehovah, for the lessons, the opportunity, and the next time.
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