thank you God

i feel a lifting.  I don't want to speak prematurely, but something inside me has shifted.  I felt it yesterday, i spoke on it slightly and i guess i'll speak on it a bit more.  i started this day off feeling blessed and energized.  it has been a while.  it has been a couple of months, at least.  but i felt it today.  and I am now going to start doing this in earnest again.

yesterday, i was at my meeting.  it is a big book study.  we were on the chapter in the big book of AA entitled 'there is a solution'.  it was exactly what i needed to hear.  in that chapter, they talk about the dis-ease of alcoholism, but the obsessive/compulsive nature of the alcoholic is the obsessive/compulsive nature of the addict, the eating disorder sufferer, the gambler, the depressive and so many other afflicted people.  they can't all be cured with 'abstinence' as it is written in the book for alcoholics to  begin their journeys, but it can be seen that we indulge in certain behaviors that take us to doing things that we don't necessarily want to do, actions that we are trying to leave behind.  and when this happens, there is no real such thing as 'will-power', there is no real such thing as 'determination', because once the cycle begins, it begins until the mind can effect a new level of acceptance, deeper than the level that was initially required to begin the journey in the first damn place.  in other words, even recovery is a form of dependency, which has a tolerance level that has to be superseded in order to restart the journey.  what has this to do with me?

i slacked off at the holidays.  i made happiness and comfort my guidance system instead of the goals i'd set in September.  I compromised the mission, as i've done so many times in the past.  and when i tried to get back on track without accepting that the lack of discipline was the problem and not what R was doing or not doing or what anyone else in my life was responsive or reactionary about, it didn't work.  that's the reality, that's the truth.  i lost my way because i put things in front of my goal and those things were not going to get me where i needed to go.

where am i now?

i went to the gym.  my son came to youngstown because i told him that it would be really good to see him.  i feel my acceptance has improved.  i am writing like crazy.  i saw how there are actually people who care about me at the gym, who were glad to see me back.  i know that i can allow my isms, my food fiend attitude, my actions against my own best interest to dictate the course of events, or i can accept that i believe in God, that God has a plan for me, and he doesn't need me to alter it just because there are parts that are 'too hard' for me to stay true to.  that's where i am right now.  and that's what i'm going to work on.

i don't know what tomorrow is going to bring, or if it will come at all.  but i know if it does, i'm going to turn my will and life over to God, ask that God's will be done in all things, and be obedient to the process.  and that i am grateful for the people who are always there for me, no matter what.