snowed in

it's a pretty day out today.  but there's a lot of snow.

i am in not good shape.  i am slacking bad.  i am not going to punish myself for that, but i am going to seek clarity and more effective action.  so that starts with full disclosure and as brutal of honesty as i can muster without self-damage.

first, current events.  i got up today and i don't believe i said my prayers.  the fact that i can't remember is the reason that it's time for a major overhaul in this process.  i got up, i was groggy and grumpy and lazy.  it is snowed under, so the gym is out, but it is an excuse, a better excuse compared to the poor excuses of this week.  truth is, i have used R as a way of defocusing, of being sad and therefore unproductive.  and she deserves better than that, but more importantly, I DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT.  that is the truth, but what's happening now is what i said.  i got up, there was no school, it was cancelled yesterday.  i watched the episode of Gravity Falls i'd been trying to catch, and TP called as i started watching it to bitch about stuff.  eventually i told her i'd call back, as i'd been waiting for two days for the season and series finale to come on and couldn't watch it yesterday as my dad was getting out of the hospital and my brother and i had to go get him and the second showing was at midnight.  so i wanted to see it, not wait until 4 and the next interruption.  i don't really feel bad for telling her i'd call her back.  she complains about everything now, and i'm seeing that between her and the guy that i used to sponsor who is trying to figure out how to get with her, i need distance because i only see bad things coming.  but that's enough of that.

i ate, i watched my show, i went back to bed.  i laid in the bed, knowing i needed to get my quizzes emailed,  knowing i have shit to do, and doing none of it.  i just lay back, on fucking facebook.  at this point, its closing in on noon, i've emailed my quizzes, i am starting on cleaning and i'm writing in my journal, so it's moving along.

as of late, i've been moody, irritable, distant and sad.  i've been lonely in an incredible way, and my mind just runs with it.  i can't blame R for that, nor am i.  i've known her for 10 years.  her depression is as unique as my own.  i can only say that love is a very complicated river to navigate, that it never gets easier and that regardless of your desire to not be in it, you always find yourself back there except by a force of self-will, of which i have no desire for now.  a friend came back yesterday and sunday, new friend, and that helped, and it showed me that what i really need is to get out of this seclusion and get back to what is going to work for me.  and that is what i'm attempting at this time.  i hate that i've been so easy to manipulate by my poor choices.  it has to get easier, self-discipline.  in the Big Book it talks of letting God discipline us as the steps suggest, but God is not going to do for me what i can do for myself.  if God says do these things and you can feel better and i say 'i'll try my own way for the millionth time, it may work this time, but thank you', then i get no results and i stay miserable.  that's the deal.  and i know that.  so why am i still living like i don't have to go to the gym, like i don't have to change my habits?  why am i still down when i know that if R could get in touch with me she would but if my depression changes my actions then depression has the power to change actions?  because i am still not willing to put the energy into the process.  and that's got to change.

this day is almost done.  i haven't had gout too bad today, which is a nice change of pace.  i talked to my new friend twice today, we'll refer to her as SL.  it's just nice having another grown voice in my life.  they are rather scarce these days.  i got some work done in the living room.  i've got to put in some more applications today, see if i can find some other peer support positions in this area.  once i have my certification i think that will make a lot of this easier.  i don't know.  i felt some better today.  i needed a day like this; do some things, what i can, and no reason to go above and beyond for the rest of it.  tomorrow, i'll see what the day brings, but i am grateful to God for a day of productive rest.  i'm done.