Very Sorry...

fight against it, everything in me tells me.  fight against what?  my emotions? my history?? my HEART?  but it's what is screamed at me from the top of my lungs, inside my chest.  FIGHT.  and i do.  i fight from within, and i keep my legs moving.  it's what we were taught to do as young men in the inner city.  keep moving, don't stop til you have to.  doesn't matter the scenario, situations are alterable, but philosophies have to cross borders and boundaries.  fight.  keep moving.  don't give up.  and when you find that despite this wonderful philosophy, despite the profound wisdom of the ages, you have stalled out, hit a wall and are once again a quivering mass of nerve endings firing non-sequentially, you realize sometimes the old wisdom is bullshit.

but its still wisdom, and it has it's place.

i'm sorry i've been gone for awhile.  i tried to keep it going.  but i'm not Superman.  i'm not invulnerable, i've no powers that allow me to not refresh hurt when i'm seeing something that has left a hole in my heart.  i don't have that kind of skill.  i saw Rachel, i've been looking backward since, and i've stalled out inside.  i have felt the weight of my want again, the burden of desire, and i have not written here, and i've been eating to numb, and i've been lonely as fuck.

but the old wisdom...i keep moving. 

i've missed no work.  i've not been close to quitting this job.  i've not isolated too terribly.  i've seen parents, brother, child.  i've spent time.  i've been moving toward whatever there is to keep moving toward.   done ads for the new books.  it has been a good thing.  but i have been burdened by desire and memory again.  those things can co-exist. 

so can sadness and productivity, then.  as above, so below.

i'm going to start working on my screen play idea.  i have some people who want some editing services, so there's money coming in from that.  i'm looking for another job because these people are slowing going crazy and i don't want to keep being affected by their insanity.  i'm praying still.  today i did crunches on the floor and stretches before i had breakfast.  tomorrow i'm going to do my utmost to hit the gym.  my brother brought me a computer chair, for which i am so grateful.  i have my medicine.  i haven't had a gout flare this week.  i feel okay.  i hurt, i miss Rachel all over again, never stopped to be honest, but i'm okay. 

i'm going to try my best to stay diligent to this, to this and the Dining Room.  discipline is not supposed to be easy; it is supposed to strengthen and develop character.  thank you,Father, for your discipline, and may i accept it more gracefully.