Full Disclosure

Serenity is funny.  for what we, 12 step folks, i guess i mean to say, do and abide by in concerning serenity seems vastly different from the worldview on the same subject.  for us, serenity is not some immobile state of pseudo-bliss that comes from intoning a mantra in a certain yogi position.  for us, serenity is a power, it is a force that allows calm action in the face of seeming calamity.  it is the manifestation of God's grace, the assurance of a favorable outcome by means of unconditional love that allows for sustained effort.  maybe it has to do with it being a grant from God, which means like His kindness, there is nothing to do to deserve it, but it should be used appropriately once given. 

today i woke up feeling pretty good, though i must admit i have many concerns. my vision is worsening, i believe.  i feel shaky when i look at things, and nothing seems to stand still.  i've also had some problems when doing the pre-check on the vehicle before driving, finding the receptacle for the dip stick for oil to put it back in it's place.  i'm not worried about it overmuch, just mindful of it.  but i woke up, and there's the blessing, so i prayed on my knees, and i got moving in the day.  i'd had my shower the night before, so i took my medications and i had my breakfast while i read my books and scripture.  then i got dressed and got on my way to work. had to circle back around to grab my bag with the meeting keys in it, but otherwise all was well. 

first runs were easy, no serious problems, just quiet, overcast and sleepy.  when we finished i went to my parent's house, cooked breakfast for them and made chicken and rice for their dinner.  i had gotten a call from my urologist with information from the blood test, more on that later.

i went to my meeting, saw some people i don't see much of and an old friend from the wayback days, and it was nice.  good subject, good discussion.  then i went to work.  had to drive the short route in the afternoon, not a great big issue.  finished my paperwork and left for a rendezvous with TP to get this money to get her computer fixed.  i got the money, we went and got some food and i came on home.  talked to a couple people, watched some television and i'm heading for bed now. 

thing is, people may read this, and i am trying to process some of the information that i received today.  i'm not trying to affect emotional content, and i especially am not trying to elicit sympathy.  but in the interest of full disclosure, without which nothing of much value is possible, my urologist told me from my bloodwork that my psa numbers are up and he is concerned about it.  he's suggesting a biopsy of my prostate, and so there we go.  it's not the worst thing in the world. don't get me wrong, i know that.  and it is scary at the same time, and honesty demands an acknowledgement of that.  because that's what a cancer concern is, scary, frightening. and something to deal with and to turn over as best as one can.  i elected to have the biopsy, and i will schedule it in as soon as it is available, but i'm going to try for July, to allow Syd to give birth without any shadow thrown by my life over the occasion.  we'll see.  man proposes; God disposes.  that's Stephen King. 

i am grateful to Jehovah God for the life i've had, for the days collected into that life and the experiences and adventures that have come on each of those days.  i've lived 30 years past my expiration date, almost, and it's hard to feel too bad about that.  so, we're going to see what happens.  and we'll keep doing it one day at a time.  out.