i went to work. trepidation, anxiety. i checked the roster; still on my regular bus. one more day, but it's all one day at a time now. i relaxed as much as i could. i doubt if i'll ever really feel a part of what goes on there, and i'm not exactly sorry about that. i got on my bus after checking the lift...still janky.
a plush blonde hopped on the bus before we departed. she is a new driver, a trainee, riding with us today. i close myself off. i don't know her. most of the new hirees are damaged people, i throw myself under that same bus because i know my chi. but i am not rude, not exactly. just quiet. we pick up our few people. many haven't been there for the past two weeks. so many changes. eventually i warm up slightly to this new girl, and the Boss is seeming a bit off her feed today. not a good combination, but i've lived through worse recently.
i have a conversation with one of the office superiors. i get their version of events, which still only corroborate my sense that my time is growing short. i file this information, allow my brain to process it, and thank them for giving me what stability they were able to, though that is not much and really non-existent. then i go to the Re-Store. i find a computer screen for the parental computer, and a few books. i find no file cabinets, and they always have doors, so there's no hurry on the 'diy' desk idea. i go to lunch, What's Cooking in Boardman. i get a call from Harry, brusquely asking if he can get a ride to the meeting. i correct him, tell him to start with 'hello'. i'm sure he didn't like it but i don't give a fuck. the meeting was small. we got rent money together for April, but it took two weeks in May to make up the needed difference. not good. i give the envelope to SN, new friend, closer than that maybe, ask if she can take the funds to the clinic and pay our rent for April, get a receipt. Harry rides with her. Good.
i go back to work. afternoon is easier, tension is gone, familiarity and caffeine. feeling more like myself. make it back, want to talk to one of the bosses again (small 'b' implicit) as i've decided to accept the training to drive, as it should come in handy in my job search. but she's busy so i leave. i want to just go home. i have finished most of the leftovers in the fridge. i'm thinking about dinner. but i have a computer screen and it needs to be tested.
i stop at the parent's house. mom is cooking. i change screens and the computer works. happiness. mom tries to talk me into staying for dinner. no real reason not to, but i decline. i want some space, i see them very often and sometimes i still need not to see them. i'll be over tomorrow. the computer works though. i give her a bag of broccoli from the freezer, drink a glass of water and i'm gone.
home now. clothes in wash, about to go in the dryer shortly. cousin pulled into my driveway and out again. think he was fucking with his car, but i don't care. i'm going to put an application in at Siffrin as well. checking other vehicles, just letters of inquiry and applications. one at a time, lines in the water, i'll catch what i'm supposed to eat, if i'm supposed to eat something different.
i'm missing Rachel but i'm living life on it's own terms. i'm grateful for the day, and i thank my Father for everything.
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