the Constant...

 time has its way with us, with all of us.  that is the sad thing about life in this world today. 

i didn't write yesterday because i spent most of the time after work at the hospital, watching the young man (not the child) on an intubated ventilator, and waiting outside as they removed his tubing and put him on oxygen and waited for him to die.  he was only about 25, and he was riddled with cancer.  once he lived with me, along with his mother and two brothers and two sisters.  that was the only time i knew him.  he was a rambunctious child, from a house steeped in the waters of his mother's bad relationship at the time.  he always had the smile though.

i had a good day starting out, and a good day ending.  the start was humid (as it is now), and i woke in a hot house.  i'll have to do something about that.  i had toast with peanut butter for breakfast.  i prayed and read and took my medicines.  i got to work to find the doors were locked because the woman who opens didn't have her keys.  i rode out with the Boss in the morning and a guy named Bob who will be a driver.  it was good getting back into my rhythm as an aide.  it is truly what i enjoy, but it's not going to last, not there.  in the afternoon i rode with a woman named Sherry (guessing at the spelling) in preparation for a route i will drive for most of the summer. 

i made my mother coffee, i made she and my father breakfast.  i got a wrap from subway and went to my meeting.  a lot of people there.  we got our rent money from the 7th tradition and i did the paperwork, got the rent in an envelope and got both to the people who would tend to them while i got back to work. 

i took Syd home from the hospital (it was her cousin who passed, her aunt's son, her mother's nephew) and we ate at BK.  my son is apparently overcome with grief.  their sister is posting a lot of stuff concerning his passing on FB, concerning her emotional state.  there is a lot of sadness, and i understand it, but i am seeing it at a bit of a distance. 

i hate that so young a man has left this world, but when i got to his room at the hospital, i could only bow my head and pray, and ask Jehovah to tend to his spirit according to His will.  peace is to be prayed for, a cessation of pain is everyone's desire.  hearing his mother pleading with him to wake up was very sad. 

you realize, after a point, that this doesn't end.  as you get older, it just gets closer to you, closer to your own home, but it always goes on.  i know, i guess i'm saying, that there is a 'next time', that someone else i know or love will be gone soon enough.  and that's the constant now.  but there are other constants as well. 

appreciate what you have, and if you don't learn to.  cherish a person enough to keep creating memories, because the gaps in time don't fill themselves.  and try to love no matter what, no matter how heavy a burden it will be at the end of the road, because some things just have to be carried. 

thank you, Father, for watching over your child. 

Losing Friends

well, i missed a couple days logging.  not going to try too hard to catch up.  it's hot as fuck, and i'm sweating my ass off mostly.  i'm not complaining because i promised i was going to keep that at a minimum.  it was a horrible winter.  but this is something else.  this is just spring.  the snow was not even an entire month ago and now we're living in high 80's temperature-wise.  makes one wonder what is really in store for July and August.  but one day at a time...

so, today, i'm good.  hot.  i'm tired.  today i aided on the bus i'm normally on.  today i got up and got moving, the routine intact.  today i got to work and made a pot of coffee for everyone, though i think only i and one other person drank any.  today i went to the gym, i got in treadwork time, i saw my parents, i got to the store, i did the things that were in front of me.  that's all i had in store for the day. 

but i feel so out of it.  the exhaustion continues with me, the heat doesn't make it any better.  a young man, not pictured, Syd and De'ja's cousin, is dying poorly and painfully, not even 30, and that is hard to fathom.  the young lady in the picture is a child that chose to bond with me while in columbus, and the reality that in a couple years i won't even be a curiosity to her memory.  time passes.  people leave, people die, and people learn how to live all over again, if they're tuned in.  i thank my Father for this day of life. 

Columbus Rain...

it's Saturday.  I made it to Columbus this morning.  i am in a hotel room, used to be a Knight's Inn.  not the best choice, but it's clean and i will be able to sleep here.  i guess.  it's raining cats and dogs at the moment.  it's a pretty sight, but it's not melancholy, it means nothing more than a reason to stay in and do this.  nothing wrong with that, either.

i didn't write yesterday because i was exhausted, and trying to get on the road, which didn't happen.  but the day should be documented and some other things need addressed, because this is the last worthless weekend that i have to spend, to paraphrase Don Henley.

first off...yesterday.  from the drama and traumas of Thursday, i didn't believe Friday would be an easy day, and that proved to be true, but it didn't matter.  the day had to be got through anyway.  so i got up and i showered, i prayed and i tidied and i didn't eat or do coffee because i was planning on hitting the road after work.  i did grab burritos from McD's before work, but my kitchen remained clean.  then it was the job.  i was driving the short route in the morning, no hassles, no problems.  i was done early enough to hit the gym, go to my parent's house, leave the money for my cousin who cuts the grass, go to counseling and have lunch with Marc.  then i went back to new insanity. 

they'd told me the day before that i'd be driving a different route, then they told me it would only be in the afternoon, then i learned that driving it in the afternoon with an aide had more details than i was aware of.  it kept changing and i hate that, it irritates the fuck out of me.  but i rolled with it.  a double run.  7 or 8 the first run, 4 the second.  the aide was good, we got the things done in a timely fashion, considering.  there was getting in a bus line, and the difference in picking up due to the Spring Fling (which made me sad as two of my regulars were going and i really wanted to see them after the event), but it went well enough.  the second of the two runs...

each bus, each type of bus i should say, is different, has differences.  the small van i do the short run on has no wheelchair lift.  the big bus i was driving yesterday had different controls for the wheelchair lift.  it took me a bit to figure out how to work the damn thing.  i took ownership for that.  then we got into the later day traffic in Niles and Howland.  so we didn't get back until 5pm or so.  then i had to redo the paperwork for the 2nd run because i made a mistake and you can't turn in a billing sheet with scratched out shit and corrections.  it was hot, and most of the run took place without the benefit of air conditioning.  so i was drained, thirsty, sweat and exhausted.  i went to Papa's, got a dinner and some wings, went home, ate, watched some television and i crashed.  it made enough sense, as the room arrangement wasn't until today anyway. 

so i got up early this morning.  i gathered a couple other things, made sure my doors were locked and i got to driving.  gassed up and snacked up and got on the highway.  stopped in Seville for a breakfast sandwich, then it was on to Columbus.  i'm going to say i left about 545, and i got here close to 9.  could've been quicker but you should respect holiday traffic and state patrol presence.  i've seen Keith and Ronda, i've seen Yvette and i'm waiting for De'ja now.  i found a charger for my phone, razors for my face and head, i've shaved, i'll shower later and i'm a bit peckish about now.  i've turned off the television, as the satellite isn't doing well in the rain. 

i have to get back to doing the things that make me feel better.  there's so much going on right now.  so many things that are happening.  i refuse to be ungrateful.  i refuse to complain.  i just want to make sure that i do what needs to be done, that i take care of the things that i need to take care of.  starting with me, and the family next, and the rest of the world after that.  and family ain't just the relatives.  i need to visit Johnny more.  i need to stay in touch with new people.  and i'm really wondering if i'm doing myself any kind of emotional good by my actions toward Rachel.  that might just be wishful thinking, but the way i've been doing things could be sour grapes.  whatever the case may be, i am just glad that i made it here safely, that my family is okay for today and that i have gotten my journaling done.  i thank Jehovah for the blessings. 

Full Disclosure

Serenity is funny.  for what we, 12 step folks, i guess i mean to say, do and abide by in concerning serenity seems vastly different from the worldview on the same subject.  for us, serenity is not some immobile state of pseudo-bliss that comes from intoning a mantra in a certain yogi position.  for us, serenity is a power, it is a force that allows calm action in the face of seeming calamity.  it is the manifestation of God's grace, the assurance of a favorable outcome by means of unconditional love that allows for sustained effort.  maybe it has to do with it being a grant from God, which means like His kindness, there is nothing to do to deserve it, but it should be used appropriately once given. 

today i woke up feeling pretty good, though i must admit i have many concerns. my vision is worsening, i believe.  i feel shaky when i look at things, and nothing seems to stand still.  i've also had some problems when doing the pre-check on the vehicle before driving, finding the receptacle for the dip stick for oil to put it back in it's place.  i'm not worried about it overmuch, just mindful of it.  but i woke up, and there's the blessing, so i prayed on my knees, and i got moving in the day.  i'd had my shower the night before, so i took my medications and i had my breakfast while i read my books and scripture.  then i got dressed and got on my way to work. had to circle back around to grab my bag with the meeting keys in it, but otherwise all was well. 

first runs were easy, no serious problems, just quiet, overcast and sleepy.  when we finished i went to my parent's house, cooked breakfast for them and made chicken and rice for their dinner.  i had gotten a call from my urologist with information from the blood test, more on that later.

i went to my meeting, saw some people i don't see much of and an old friend from the wayback days, and it was nice.  good subject, good discussion.  then i went to work.  had to drive the short route in the afternoon, not a great big issue.  finished my paperwork and left for a rendezvous with TP to get this money to get her computer fixed.  i got the money, we went and got some food and i came on home.  talked to a couple people, watched some television and i'm heading for bed now. 

thing is, people may read this, and i am trying to process some of the information that i received today.  i'm not trying to affect emotional content, and i especially am not trying to elicit sympathy.  but in the interest of full disclosure, without which nothing of much value is possible, my urologist told me from my bloodwork that my psa numbers are up and he is concerned about it.  he's suggesting a biopsy of my prostate, and so there we go.  it's not the worst thing in the world. don't get me wrong, i know that.  and it is scary at the same time, and honesty demands an acknowledgement of that.  because that's what a cancer concern is, scary, frightening. and something to deal with and to turn over as best as one can.  i elected to have the biopsy, and i will schedule it in as soon as it is available, but i'm going to try for July, to allow Syd to give birth without any shadow thrown by my life over the occasion.  we'll see.  man proposes; God disposes.  that's Stephen King. 

i am grateful to Jehovah God for the life i've had, for the days collected into that life and the experiences and adventures that have come on each of those days.  i've lived 30 years past my expiration date, almost, and it's hard to feel too bad about that.  so, we're going to see what happens.  and we'll keep doing it one day at a time.  out. 

Continued Change (pain inna ass...)

well, i got my child a sofa today.  had my brother deliver it to her.  i think that's a good thing.  in fact, i know it is.  she didn't deliver yet, but she will soon enough. 

i aided on the Boss's bus again today, which was nice, returning to my main thing.  but it's strange.  you can tell neither i nor the clients want to get too comfortable now, they can tell things are not guaranteed and so can i.  so can the Boss, to be honest, but someone has to be the optimist in these psycho-dramas.  anyway, it was good to be back on 109. 

when i got up i was in good spirits, and i was into my routine with no hesitation.  all my stuff was pretty much ready, i just had to go upstairs for a tee-shirt.  i chose not to eat breakfast as i had an appointment at the urologist later in the morning.  the first runs were easy enough, only went to pee at the first workshop drop off.  doctor's appointment went well, got to my parent's house in enough time to hang out with my mom for a bit.  dad was, as usual, already gone. 

the second half of work was okay, and i came home and warmed up some stuff and had my dinner.  i've showered and shaved now, and i'm just shutting it down, listening to some music.  i wish they'd get the aide thing straight, but for now i'm going to work as i can and tend to my business, my books and my bills and that should be enough.  thank you, Father.

...getting closer...

it's important to remember, if you're into that sort of belief, that babies and death are pretty much both under the same jurisdiction as far as arrival time goes.  there is no real mandate that says, 'X amount of time is all you have until you give birth', anymore than you have a set number of discernible years before you breathe your last.  the thing is, readiness.  you have to be ready for whatever comes down the pike at you.  and you deal with it as best you can, and that's about all you can do.  all anyone can do.  even if it's not a new situation, you can only try to use past experience as much as they're applicable.  the rest is just faith, intuition and understanding that God's will will be done, regardless of what an individual thinks should or should not happen.  that being said...

what was today?  a sign?  a portent, a warning perhaps?  or just business as usual?

i got up early, always happens anymore.  slept most of yesterday, still get up early, go figure.  i said my prayers before i was fully up so i went back to sleep after.  then i got my ass moving in another couple hours.  i shaved and showered, read and took meds and had coffee and water and breakfast.  i got dressed and got out the house.  when i got to work, i started doing the things that i had to do as a driver today, like the pre-trip on the vehicle i was driving and the gathering of paperwork.  then i was gone, on the road with a neurotic blonde who never shut up the entire short trip.  i did try to talk her off her talking/nervousness jag all through the day, but after a point it was just easier to tune her out while i did what the job called for.  we were done with first run early, so i went to my parent's house, made coffee for my mom and breakfast sandwiches for them both, then i went to a meeting at work.  from there i picked up Syd and we went to Walmart.  i took her to get brunch, took her home, got my oil changed, and my car washed and i went back to the job. 

second half of the day was mostly uneventful, with the sole exception of trying to back a van into a driveway and nudging a plastic trash can, and Syd texting me from the hospital because she was having contractions.  on that note, she is back home, having not dilated so of course they sent her home, and the runs went okay.  tomorrow should be closer to business as usual, except another visit to the urologist, likely another finger up my ass...brrrrrrr...and now the beginning of the baby watch.  official now.

regardless, i'm blessed with life and mobility, and thankful to God for that and so much more.  Aspire Higher!

Weekend Update

it's about a quarter after five, Monday morning.  all the morning things are done and i'm waiting to go to work, start a new week.  i didn't write yesterday, though it was on my mind, so i figured a recap to begin the week is not a bad idea, in the few minutes i have left.

i guess part of it was there wasn't a whole lot that went on.  i had a power outage on Saturday, but so did most of the east side of Mahoning county apparently.  i had my brother by for dinner, grilled some burgers and sausages, and i got a couch for Syd and Joe but i have to get it delivered to them.  that was Saturday, no big deals.  Sunday wasn't much more involved than that.  i prayed, did my usual morning stuff, was up earlier than i'd have liked to have been but programming is what it is.  i went to the CA meeting but not to the Hall, didn't go see my parents either.  i called them several times over the course of Saturday's passing, and i found out yesterday that my mother wasn't even home on Saturday.  but i didn't go over, that was the point.  i made chili and corn bread for dinner.  i watched some anime, i talked to some people that i had been neglecting because i know there's not a lot of time left.  i debated on a shower but that didn't happen until this morning, and that's okay too. 

how i feel?  i'm not sure.  right now, i'm weary still.  the loneliness has become a part of me again, and that's good and not good simultaneously.  i don't like it, but when it's a part of me it's not unbearable.  it's like carrying my own weight rather than carrying my weight AND having another me on my shoulders.  too much. 

my new friend asked me to come to some kind of religious event downtown, but i laid in my bed instead.  part depression, part just not wanting to lead someone to thinking church is going to be my thing, cause it's not. 

i think i'd like to meet someone completely new.  someone not on my current radar, someone who was into some art stuff and who didn't mind talking about hypotheticals and spiritual shit.  that would be nice. until then, however, i may have a new run today, i won't know for sure til i get to work.  i am planning for Columbus for the weekend, but Syd i suppose could deliver any time now.  right around the corner and i've no real affect yet.  i guess maybe i felt more from the Syd raising thing than i've allowed myself to acknowledge.  regardless, time has passed, this is what time it is now. 

i am grateful, Jehovah, for another day of life. 

ReStore to sanity

so today i didn't have a lot to do, and i chose not to manufacture things to fill in the large swatches of blank canvas.  i got up and got my prayer in, and i got my meds taken and my books read and had coffee.  and i waited, as i had a breakfast date today and they were slow rolling this morning, as any sane person would have been.  but it was someone who i felt kind of bad for not staying in touch with and so i had consented to breakfast and i try to stay up on my word these days.  so from the 5 in the am that i was up to the almost nine-thirty that we were seated in the restaurant, it was just marking time.  but breakfast was good, the company wasn't bad and i got on with my day afterward.

i had a list for the store so i went to get some things.  i was in Struthers, so i went to the ReStore and purchased a sofa for Syd, and i went to IGA and Family Dollar and got some things that were on my list, everything for the most part.  on my way home i stopped at a thrift store on Jacobs but their lights were out, which i attributed to nothing right away but did in a few moments.

i'd gotten stuff to throw on the grill and i got home and unloaded my things and came in the house to find the power out.  attribution, i know.  a huge power outage apparently, at least as far as Campbell and Coitsville and maybe further than that.  i got my stuff as put away as i could, wanting to keep the fridge and freezer doors shut to preserve the cold, in case it was dark longer than i anticipated.  it wasn't though, which was cool.  i did my prep, got things started and got the grill lit and my meat on.  the power came back on but i was already in motion by that point.  then i finished my cooking, ate and my brother came by and had a plate and we had a good conversation.

i have spent this day doing leisure stuff, and i'm okay with that.  tomorrow is the meeting, and getting ready for the work week ahead.  today i am grateful to Jehovah for allowing me to continue growing and changing.

The Dining Table

Let's Get It On!

feeling none of the exuberance of the title, but since i missed yesterday it seems to warrant it.  besides, i almost missed this one, and therefore a bit of aplomb is not a bad thing, is it?

a strange day, but it is getting close to time for me to be moving on from Person Centered Services, i believe.  more on that in a bit.

this is Friday.  i woke from a very deep sleep to very deep sleepiness.  but i got up, i had my readings and my medicines and my breakfast.  i put clothes away, i got dressed and i got my ass to work.  i did the pre-trip inspection myself today, and i drove out for our first runs.  i missed one turn, not even a bad miss, while we were doing our pick ups, and i made a wrong turn in Niles heading back to the shop, but that was alright; the clients were all at their workshops and i know how to get out of downtown Niles...eventually. 

anyway, i went to counseling.  it was an insightful session, as i was made to look at the way i resist healing at times, and how it maybe manifests itself in my picking at scabs and never just allowing them to heal.  i also spoke on Brian, an old amigo from the early CA days in this area.  how i am sad that he's gone but i was not a fan of his later years, as he abandoned the recovery rooms for a so-called 'normal' life.  but as i reflect on it now, what is so wrong with wanting some normalcy?  i keep thinking about the end of 'The Elephant Man', where he died because just once he wanted to sleep without a mountain of pillows, like a 'normal' man.  is normalcy worth dying for?  i can't answer that. but i guess it's worth sacrificing the work of a recovery program for, because an awful lot of us do that these days.

anyway, i went to my parent's house, hung out there, got a call from work about possibly doing a part-time route in addition to my aiding duties and i rode shotgun on that to learn what the run entails.  it is a pickup and delivery of 2 individuals for now.  i think i'm going to accommodate it, but i can see the end much more clearly now.  we are foundering, we have overreached and are being smacked around for our perfidy.  and there's not much of a damn thing we can do about it.  but those are the problems of some much more invested in this show than i am.  i just want to keep moving in a good direction until i can't move anymore. that's just about my desire today.

anyway, i'm supposed to do breakfast with TP tomorrow. i elected not to aid TF in the rental of another vehicle this week.  just didn't seem like a thing to do.  i want to relax, maybe grill some shit tomorrow and just enjoy my time off.  will that be possible?  only my Heavenly Father knows for sure, but i thank Him for this day drawing to its close now. 

hurting...

sorry about yesterday.  it was rough, driving for the first time in a long, long time.  haven't done any employed driving since Menendian's, back in Columbus, and that was likely close to sixteen years ago.  but that's not the hurting i'm talking about. 

when i got in, i managed to get my dinner cooked and eaten, i sat to watch television but ended up just laying down and passing out.  i woke long enough to call Lonnie back and was then out for the night.  seems that's my itinerary lately, work and eat and sleep.  no book sales, no readers, no recreation in my life.  i'm not exactly complaining about a lack of life, just about a lack of energy and a pain that lingers.  i did get straight on my counseling appointment on friday, and i will be going to get bloodwork done this afternoon. just wanted to jot this stuff down so i would not be too negligent at this point.  i'm sorry for complaining, and i thank my Father for my life.  one of my recovery brothers, from all the way back, 3 months longer in the program than i, just died this week, 63 years old, and i know there are no guarantees from this point.  even an extended warranty runs out eventually. 

Moving On...

I'm in my office, working on some poetry.

that is such a cool thing to be able to say.

not a clue as to how cool the rest of this will be, but it has to be put down.

i am going to start training, such as it is, to drive tomorrow.  it is something that i said i would do, and i have a plan that this is a part of.  so it's not unexpected, but it is going to change a lot of things. 

so, the day started pretty normally.  i'd done my thing in the evening, and i was ready for work when i woke up.  but i took my time, i prayed, i ate and took my meds (though i completely forgot my water pill) and read scripture and meditations.  i ate more responsibly and i did crunches and stretches and i dressed and gathered my things and i got to work early.

the run in the morning was as pleasant as ever.  no trainee, no one but the Boss and i and the clients.  a good morning, good laughter, good humor.  at the break, i went to Austintown and took Syd to brunch and we talked and i took her home and went to my parent's house to visit and nap.  i was tired, i was still sore from the gout flare and my body was still aching.  i made my way back to work without eating anything else (significant) and i got in to find they were scrambling because 3 people had called off.  i knew about one of them this morning, but i don't know how they anticipate anyone simply deciding not to call off if they're not feeling well.  anyway, i made my way back out and finished the day and came in to be asked if i still was willing to train to drive.  i clarified that i would, but that i wanted my main focus to remain as an aide, and i was assured that would be the case, that i would be a sub driver, but that is a lie.  but these are all lies of a sort.  they're not going to let me continue to aide, but i'm not going to remain in their employ for much longer than the training takes place, unless there are some radical changes. 

regardless, i am at home now.  i have written some poetry for my new book that i'm going to release in July.  i have one more song to dance to, part of my routine when i don't get to the gym (along with the crunches and eating as i'm supposed to eat...put weight back on, not acceptable).  i have to contact someone because i likely won't be at the meeting tomorrow.  i have to reschedule my counseling on friday, as i will likely be training during the break that day.  i'm not crazy about the whole 'hang out all through the day to train to do something like this' shit, but if i say something, it is my word and therefore i try to make it inviolable.  that is my first time using that word in a writing session, i like it.  'inviolable'.  anyway, i'm getting this done now because i've got trash to take out, poetry to write, got to resume editing on THE LAST RECOVERING MAN and get showered and shaved for work tomorrow.  Moving on...

thank you, Father, and may this be your will for me, and may Your will be done, and if it not Your will, may i discern this and move on to Your will for me. 

Day Off, No Rest for the weary...

oh, what a day off.  i almost can't believe that i had it.  it feels as if i have had practically no rest at all. maybe i haven't.  i got some stuff done, stuff i've been wanting to do.  that's always a good feeling. and i'm going to work tomorrow, and i have been to the doctor, so there is that. 

let's start from the morning.  prayer happened but i was so groggy and aching that i don't really think i did much more than mail it in.  i laid in bed for a good while, because i was off work.  then i went to the kitchen.  i made my breakfast after i took my meds and before i did my reading.  only read the bible today, from 2 Kings and Ezekiel.  i don't know why i skipped the meditation books, but i did.  then when i was done i plotted the course for the day.  it wasn't complicated. 

i am proud to say all my monthy bills are at zero, YAY!  except my phone, but that's not really the deal-breaker.  i went to lunch with Lonnie, had enough of a meal that it was lunch and dinner today.  i went to the grocery store, got some needed supplies.  i came home and put groceries away and went to the doctor appointment i'd made this morning.

the gist of the doctor thing is, i've been low-level hurting all over for days and days.  head, neck (off and on), shoulders, lower and upper back, thighs, arms, wrists, hands, fingers, feet, ankles and shins.  just levels of discomfort.  i could sum it up to a bunch of different shit, and they'd all be likely contributing factors.  but they're going to screen my urine and blood for things like fibromyalgia and rheumatic arthritis, for lupus and some other things.  and i'm okay with that, where probably when i wasn't 50 i would have balked a bit.  it's cool though.  i am what i am, it is what it is and it's all good.  got a prescription for Prednisone i have to pick up tomorrow.  going to brunch with Syd tomorrow.  ready to get back to the gig, i missed my friends/clients today.

so, doctor, bills, gout flare treatment, lunch with a friend.  a good day off?  i think so, yeah.  and i'm grateful to my Father for allowing me to have it.  i'll sleep tonight, by His grace.

Progress, not Perfection

this Sunday is almost done, for the best reasons, i suppose.  i'm weary, my body hurts, i have to remind myself to call my doctor's office and get in to get checked out soon.  can't keep wondering and putting this shit off.  also can't keep waiting for something else to happen, because nothing else is going to happen except me continuing to disintegrate until i know what to do about it.

today was nice.  i did make breakfast for my mom, also for my dad because i neglect no one.  i ate with my mom and my brother came by and had a plate as well.  the meeting was okay, though i heard some disturbing things about a member that i'm still processing at this time.  i came home and the stuff from Amazon was on the porch so i got my computer finished and also got my stereo set up in the office.  it's so weird having two computers, but my mind is starting to encapsulate what work i want to have done, and so it is a needed thing. 

as well, i've had dinner, i'm going to clean up my kitchen, i'm going to take some meds because i'm having a gout flare in my left foot and don't want it to explode into an inconvenience.  i am thankful that this was a peaceful day and am hoping a peaceful sleep will be the culmination of it all, but Jehovah's will be done. 

putting in work

is it done?  not even close.

is it an improvement?  absolutely.  and it's going to keep getting better.

sorry i didn't write yesterday.  i have said and continue to say that not only have i lost some ground in my letting go process, but i've been experiencing some heavy-duty exhaustion lately.  i have monday off, and i'm going to rest and reset as much as i can over the weekend, but i feel i need to catch up and get and stay on track as best i can. 

start with a summation of yesterday.  all started fine, and the runs weren't bad, but there was some static in the communication between the Boss and myself.  i wish i knew what the cause of this was, but i don't, and i can only say that even the best of friends, which we are not yet,

sometimes go through changes that necessitate some disagreements.  it happens.  it most certainly does.   and when it does happen, you just do the best you can to move through and get to the other side, which we did by the end of the day.  that don't make it fun, though.

so we got through the day. and i told the office supervisors that i am considering the driving training.  mostly because it would be foolish to plan to move on without having something more substantial in my dossier.  so we'll see how that goes when the time comes.  i came home, decided on a fish sandwich down at the food cart, ate and went to sleep not long after, knowing that today would be a personal work day.

i was up this morning at the usual 'too damn early for a weekend' time.  i did all the usual stuff, and by seven o'clock i was starting on my cleaning.  from the front room to the bathroom floor, with no particular hurry.  i vacuumed, swept, threw away, mopped, wiped down.  i got the stereo from upstairs and the speakers out the door and off the porch, giving them to Jones who helped get the place cleaned out initially.  i have everything for the new computer except for the ethernet cable, which should be here tomorrow, and a suitable desk, of which i am still hunting.  i went with Lonnie to Austintown on a chore he had to do and i finished with the kitchen and the bathroom when i got home.  i had a bit of company while i tried to arrange the upstairs to use the stand the record player was on as a computer table, but it is far too small.  or the computer is too big, one of the two.  i am leaving it for tomorrow, and i'm going to try to find a table i can use.  meanwhile, i've watched some anime, i've eaten dinner and dessert, and i'm laying in bed.  if i am blessed with a tomorrow, i'm going to go make breakfast for my mother (and by proxy, i suppose, my father) and i'm going to the CA meeting.  then it's back home, after the store, to chill.  i need to make a list of needed things.  i am still looking at Rachel and missing her, but i still have not stopped living yet.  looking at some future projects, if i am blessed with enough future to get them started at least.  etiher way, i am grateful to Jehovah for a productive day.  

The Undertow

another day done.  sleep has crept upon me, swept me under like a castle on the edge of a beach at high tide, but i am awake and must maintain continuity.  i have not resumed 'The Dining Room' yet, as i am still wrestling against myself for that discipline.  but something is going on, something is out of congruity within me.  as i am now coming home, eating dinner and going into a deep sleep.  it's been happening that way for the last couple of weeks at least.  i need to address it , and i shall, but there are things to deal with in the course of a day and they shall be dealt with as well.  at least i am logging as i should here.

prayers said this morning, breakfast eaten and medicine ingested.  the day was a good one, moved through it smooth enough.  saw my parents and fixed breakfast for them.  saw my brother briefly, but i've been going through the sleep thing on the bus as well.  guess i'm just not under deep enough, just not free from this lethargy since i can't get back to a more healthy intake of caloric matter.  anyway, i did the day, i made it home, i am in my bed.  i shall do the gym tomorrow should i be blessed with life.  i shall work on my house, i want to get the living room done.  i think, if i get one room done, the rest will come together. 

i've had to remind myself that i have a commitment to the future here, that the past can take care of itself as it always has.  i can't keep longingly looking backward, not at Rachel, not at old friendships, not at any of it.  people are strange, whether you're a stranger or not, that's the truth.  so i move on from here.  i say thank you to Jehovah for discernment and guidance, and i return to sleep once more, i'm pretty sure. 

small 'b' implicit

a warm day in the end.  a cool morning.  waking slowly, groggy, reluctant.  but i woke, and i'm grateful for that.  i prayed, i turned it all over as it is a huge prerequisite right now.  i made my way to the kitchen, took my medicines, my insulin, read from 2 Kings and a nice scripture from Romans about love being the fulfillment of the law.  i made a breakfast sandwich.  and then i was out. had coffee, water, the usual. 

i went to work.  trepidation, anxiety.  i checked the roster; still on my regular bus.  one more day, but it's all one day at a time now.  i relaxed as much as i could.  i doubt if i'll ever really feel a part of what goes on there, and i'm not exactly sorry about that.  i got on my bus after checking the lift...still janky. 

a plush blonde hopped on the bus before we departed.  she is a new driver, a trainee, riding with us today.  i close myself off.  i don't know her.  most of the new hirees are damaged people, i throw myself under that same bus because i know my chi.  but i am not rude, not exactly.  just quiet.  we pick up our few people.  many haven't been there for the past two weeks.  so many changes.  eventually i warm up slightly to this new girl, and the Boss is seeming a bit off her feed today.  not a good combination, but i've lived through worse recently.

i have a conversation with one of the office superiors.  i get their version of events, which still only corroborate my sense that my time is growing short.  i file this information, allow my brain to process it, and thank them for giving me what stability they were able to, though that is not much and really non-existent.  then i go to the Re-Store.  i find a computer screen for the parental computer, and a few books.  i find no file cabinets, and they always have doors, so there's no hurry on the 'diy' desk idea.  i go to lunch, What's Cooking in Boardman.  i get a call from Harry, brusquely asking if he can get a ride to the meeting.  i correct him, tell him to start with 'hello'.  i'm sure he didn't like it but i don't give a fuck.  the meeting was small.  we got rent money together for April, but it took two weeks in May to make up the needed difference.  not good.  i give the envelope to SN, new friend, closer than that maybe, ask if she can take the funds to the clinic and pay our rent for April, get a receipt.  Harry rides with her.  Good.

i go back to work.  afternoon is easier, tension is gone, familiarity and caffeine.  feeling more like myself.  make it back, want to talk to one of the bosses again (small 'b' implicit) as i've decided to accept the training to drive, as it should come in handy in my job search.  but she's busy so i leave.  i want to just go home.  i have finished most of the leftovers in the fridge.  i'm thinking about dinner.  but i have a computer screen and it needs to be tested.

i stop at the parent's house.  mom is cooking.  i change screens and the computer works.  happiness.  mom tries to talk me into staying for dinner.  no real reason not to, but i decline.  i want some space, i see them very often and sometimes i still need not to see them.  i'll be over tomorrow.  the computer works though.  i give her a bag of broccoli from the freezer, drink a glass of water and i'm gone. 

home now.  clothes in wash, about to go in the dryer shortly.  cousin pulled into my driveway and out again.  think he was fucking with his car, but i don't care.  i'm going to put an application in at Siffrin as well.  checking other vehicles, just letters of inquiry and applications.  one at a time, lines in the water, i'll catch what i'm supposed to eat, if i'm supposed to eat something different. 

i'm missing Rachel but i'm living life on it's own terms.  i'm grateful for the day, and i thank my Father for everything. 

A Day of Inconsistencies

well, this was a day.  i've said that before, i'll have said it again before much longer, i'm certain, but it was a day indeed.  i have to start this one official like, to stay on track with my promise to myself.

see, i was up early, but i passed out early last night.  around 7 i'd have to say.  old man crossed into my body on the 15th last month, is all i can say to that.  so i prayed and i got my ass out the bed and i read and took my pills and insulin and had coffee and got out the house.  but first, i danced. 

YES.  i put on 3 songs that ran about 15 minutes and started my dance routine again.  i have to put some work into this shit, have to make an effort to move forward or i'm going to lose the ground i've gained.  so i danced.  and i got dressed and i went to work. grabbed some crap for breakfast along the way, because i don't like to start a work day without something in the gut. 

now, the first thing to remark upon.  last week, friday to be exact, the Boss and i were informed of a change in personnel.  as in, i would not be the aide on our bus any longer.  it was a switch for secret reasons.  whole lotta BS, as the old Funkadelic song said, but regardless.  other aides were switched as well, to try to cloud the issue, and there was some cock and bull story about how it was a problem with one of the aides, and things had to be worked out, and anyway Dee (the Boss) was on a bus that was slated to lose its aide anyway, and blah blah bullshit.  so yesterday, Monday, i was on a different bus, with a different driver riding a different route.  it didn't bother me so much, not the driver or most of the new clients.  what bothered me was the fact that once again i was being lied to.  whether directly or by omission, it was a deceit.  and i don't want to keep just putting up with that bullshit. 

but we informed the office people the parents were not going to be happy with the change, and of course they weren't.  as well, there is a client on the new route who has trouble keeping his hands to himself.  he has hit not only the driver and the previous aide but his father as well.  i was only willing to put up with exactly one day of that, and then i was going to file an incident report because i wanted to pre-emptively cover my ass for when i snatched a knot on this young man's carcass.  nonetheless, it wasn't yet required...

because today i was switched back to my regular bus. 

and no one had been informed about it, it was just on the new schedule.  which was posted after hours apparently.  and that is more of the kind of stuff that you just get tired of.  again, i have my theories as to what is going on, but no point speculating when the explanation is just one conversation away. 

and i have no idea where i'm going to be in the morning either.

so, that was my day.  and the night has again ended in exhaustion.  not only danced but i did weights at the gym.  i've eaten and i've done dishes and taken trash to the curb.  i think i'm about done, but i wanted to write, and i hae to thank Jehovah for watching over me. 

Very Sorry...

fight against it, everything in me tells me.  fight against what?  my emotions? my history?? my HEART?  but it's what is screamed at me from the top of my lungs, inside my chest.  FIGHT.  and i do.  i fight from within, and i keep my legs moving.  it's what we were taught to do as young men in the inner city.  keep moving, don't stop til you have to.  doesn't matter the scenario, situations are alterable, but philosophies have to cross borders and boundaries.  fight.  keep moving.  don't give up.  and when you find that despite this wonderful philosophy, despite the profound wisdom of the ages, you have stalled out, hit a wall and are once again a quivering mass of nerve endings firing non-sequentially, you realize sometimes the old wisdom is bullshit.

but its still wisdom, and it has it's place.

i'm sorry i've been gone for awhile.  i tried to keep it going.  but i'm not Superman.  i'm not invulnerable, i've no powers that allow me to not refresh hurt when i'm seeing something that has left a hole in my heart.  i don't have that kind of skill.  i saw Rachel, i've been looking backward since, and i've stalled out inside.  i have felt the weight of my want again, the burden of desire, and i have not written here, and i've been eating to numb, and i've been lonely as fuck.

but the old wisdom...i keep moving. 

i've missed no work.  i've not been close to quitting this job.  i've not isolated too terribly.  i've seen parents, brother, child.  i've spent time.  i've been moving toward whatever there is to keep moving toward.   done ads for the new books.  it has been a good thing.  but i have been burdened by desire and memory again.  those things can co-exist. 

so can sadness and productivity, then.  as above, so below.

i'm going to start working on my screen play idea.  i have some people who want some editing services, so there's money coming in from that.  i'm looking for another job because these people are slowing going crazy and i don't want to keep being affected by their insanity.  i'm praying still.  today i did crunches on the floor and stretches before i had breakfast.  tomorrow i'm going to do my utmost to hit the gym.  my brother brought me a computer chair, for which i am so grateful.  i have my medicine.  i haven't had a gout flare this week.  i feel okay.  i hurt, i miss Rachel all over again, never stopped to be honest, but i'm okay. 

i'm going to try my best to stay diligent to this, to this and the Dining Room.  discipline is not supposed to be easy; it is supposed to strengthen and develop character.  thank you,Father, for your discipline, and may i accept it more gracefully. 

Drinking the Poison

there are times when i wonder if maybe i'm just a closet masochist.  that would explain so much.

i got an email yesterday.  i was exhausted from a lack of sleep on sunday, and struggled to get through the day.  the email said there was an update on Rachel's facebook page, that she'd added an image. 

i never went through my old pages and removed people.  i have pages that i don't use, pages that i barely visit and one that i'm currently addicted to.  the update came through a 'barely visit' page.  so i looked it up and there was this picture of her. 

now, on one hand, i know she's okay, because this was from sunday.  i'm glad about that, and i thank Jehovah for letting me know.

on the other hand, other than a sighting of her in her mother's car a couple times last year, this is the first time i've seen her since July, and i am quite undone, though i continue to function.  again, i thank Jehovah.  but it really makes me wonder about learning. 

i still love her.  but i'm not doing anything, don't worry.  i just have to process the feelings that this evokes for me. 

meanwhile, i pray and i read, i work and i conceptualize this screenplay i'd like to get done.  it's been a good first part of the workday and i hope it continues.  i'm not going to visit her, though i am sending her a birthday card, as i always have.  i've just got to remember...life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone, as Mr. Mellencamp once sang.  and it's true.