Good Sunday

i'm tired.  it's about ten-thirty and it's time to shut it down.  but i am going to stay in the discipline of this orbit to the best of my ability.  and on a day like today, its important to stay on point.
it was a good day.  i got up with prayer, and i started in to writing.  i worked on editing chapter three for Felecia and i had an egg sandwich for breakfast.  i debated slightly about just blowing off everything else today, dedicating myself to editing and writing.  But i went to my meeting, though not the Hall.  it's time to do better with that as well.  My dad stopped by for a visit but i was already en route to leaving for my meeting.  I told him I'd stop by after the meeting, which I did.
the meeting was okay, but i am easily annoyed there now.  we have more people, but most of it feels like a dog and pony show, for the most part.  i keep my piece, because it's not about me, i'm not the center of the universe.  and you want people to come to the meeting, to be there and get something from it.  so i life, i went to my parent's house, visited briefly and came home to have lunch.  soup and a sandwich was what i came up with.  i got back to writing, talked to Lonnie, decided on dinner and began doing prep for that.  got a call while Lonnie was on the phone; it was R.  i clicked over and talked to her for a good while.  she's still running family everywhere, she's under a lot of stress and her sugar is off.  we spoke, and she said she'd get in touch soon and maybe she will and maybe she won't, but she called.  i kind of got out of the way and she called.
on a related note, i got paid a hundred and fifty, half my pay, for the editing work i've done thus far on Felecia's book.  nice to do genuine business.  what's so cool is that by getting back into the process so many avenues, so much information has come available to me.  i am going to put more effort into getting the books into physical form, and i'm going to have Old Lazarus done very soon.  i can't say how good this day has been.  i'm going to crash shortly, and i'm going to get up and get to the gym.  i feel better, and it's just remembering who's running the universe and, importantly for me, who is not.  good night.

illusionist

i'm editing a book for a friend.  i can't give any details about it right now, but it is a powerful read.  it's a journey of insanity that i can relate to.  it is a lot for me to do, as it touches so many of my still raw nerves, but i am honored to be asked to do this, because it is an advancing of my own work in a way.  i'm happy about that part.

today, saturday, that is, was boring as hell.  i did nothing of worth, except write and edit, which are both good things.  i got up with prayer, had breakfast and got to editing in my friend's book.  i had to delay that as yahoo was acting up and i had to email from one account to another just to get started and just for yahoo to start acting right again.  it was a day of not good reflection, and i ate all wrong out of the emotional ride this has been, but i got it together later on.

i try to accept the boredom as part of the impending future.  Syd is almost grown.  i don't expect her to be here in her adult life.  i don't know if she'd be welcome, but in her genetics is the need to do things the hard way.  i need to experience not having her around and i need to begin adjusting my life to accommodate her departure as well.  i guess it's for the best.  but its an adjustment to be certain.  i never thought this would be my reality.  i think about that often now, about being a single father, about the journey with no destination that parenthood really is.  if you are trying not to emotionally cripple your child, then you might choose a trajectory but you can't map in coordinates.  they have to fly and find what they want to land on.  and sometimes that's wonderful, but it's fraught with anticipation and that sucks.

i think about her mother often.  i wonder if she realizes that she ended up with the life we would have had if she's been stable.  it doesn't matter, but i wonder.  as i get older, as i feel my ending being scripted, i don't have the same resistance to people that i've had, but i believe it's too late.  i believe that i've allowed far too much water to run under that bridge.  but that's life.  yesterday is stronger than tomorrow's hands.

i don't know what i'm doing sunday.  meeting, maybe.  Hall, maybe.  but i'm going to write.  i'm close to Lazarus' finish.  i have an option to investigate for paperback print.  i'm watching doors open and i'm happy with them.  this orbit is beginning to get interesting.  despite my boring day.  Thank you, Father.

the crazies

things change, and as they change they become lessons.  in counseling today, VF said that 'nothing is scarier than change'.  i'm inclined to agree, in the overview.  i believe most humans are terrified of something new taking them out of their comfort zone.  but there has to be more to it than that.  there has to be something that says 'change might be just the thing I need to get away from all  this shit i'm constantly sitting in'.  at least, i'm hoping so.

today's journey has been different in subtle ways.  i got my prayer in, and i slept very good last night, but I was up early anyway.  I had breakfast before Syd left for school.  I wrote some and worked on my cover picture some, and my dad called and said their heat was off as there was a leak somewhere in the gas line, and he asked if I'd come by and go to the store for heaters for them.  I told him i'd come by after counseling and i did.  at counseling i tried to verbalize what has changed in me over the past couple of days, but i wasn't able to with any great success.  all i could seem to get out was that it is a spiritual journey, that things are happening and that i need to be more mindful of what I allow to come inside me at any given time.  but it was a good session.
i went to my parent's house and saw my dad and mom and i went to the store for heaters for them, for a rotissere chicken for my mom and a few things for the house.  i took the heaters back and came home.  i've been here since.

i ate pretty well today, an omelet for breakfast, soup and a sandwich for lunch and two burger patties, a salad and more soup for dinner.  i am full, i feel pretty good.  i don't feel an urge to fill my face with things just to assuage a hunger that is more emotional than it could possibly be physical.
I talked to my friend Felecia today, am working on editing her book that she's working on writing.  it was good to speak to her, it's been a while.  but i have been worried about her state of mind and i was right in my fears.  she's undergone bariatric surgery and has lost an abundance of weight but she is not yet over her crazy and her life is just as insane as before.  i spoke of my concern and she gave me the finger so i know we're still friends.  i am glad to be working on something by someone else.  i still want to publish.  i told VF today that if I ever do make it as a writer, if i'm ever financially successful, i will make a way for new writers to get published without having to jump through burning hoops for no reward.  i think that's a worthwhile goal.

i am tired, but i've got things to do.  cleaning tomorrow, and seeing to the conclusion of Old Lazarus.  i am glad to be alive, and i thank Jehovah for that blessing.

doing things

this was not a stressful day, and i am appreciative of that.  i had some issues with my blood sugar level, but i suspect i may be on the verge of another cold, as opposed to actually having my levels so far out of whack.
i got up with prayer, tested my emotional waters and decided to stay in and do some catching up on things.  i saw Syd off to school (new phrase now that her friend is taking her to school) and i had breakfast.  i wrote quite a bit today, did some of the paperwork i've been slacking on and got my cover for Old Lazarus fleshed out.  it always surprises me; i used to draw, then i started writing, now the writing is easier than the art but the art is there.  it makes me feel good, like i can take care of things from one end to the other.  in the same token, i applied for and guess i was approved for a low credit line card.  it will be enough to start doing my books the way i want to, and will allow me to generate better credit.
i have been thinking about the traps that are still a part of my thinking.  i realized today that there has never been a time that 'nobody' was there for me.  there's always been someone somewhere in my life who was there when i really needed someone.  i know this is true, because i'm still topside rather than planted.  my nature is depressive with a strong dash of suicidal.  if i haven't pulled the plug, its because God's timing is perfect.  case in point, SL, whom i mentioned yesterday.  she did me a great service.  she could have just rightly told me to go to hell.  she could have just faded.  but she made sure that i knew it was just not something she wanted to do.  i never should have been moving in that direction.  she has a man, has someone on the side as well.  that made it just another complication waiting to happen.  so, God did for me what I wasn't willing to do for myself.  i am grateful, but can i start focusing properly?  can i walk the way i need to, to feel the way i want to feel?  i ate much better today, that's a start.  i cooked dinner for Syd so if she and her friend choose to eat leftovers tomorrow they can, and if not, then it'll be there whenever she wants to eat it.  tomorrow i go to the gym.  i have counselling.  been a little worried about VF, haven't heard from her in a bit.  but i'll see her tomorrow.  thank you God for a peaceful and productive day.

Lemons

it's funny, sometimes you have to go deep into the shit to find the nutrients you only swallowed but never chewed up, broke down and digested so they could do you some good.  and as horrible as that may sound, what's worse is that you then have to wipe them off, chew them up, break them down and digest them or they still won't do you any good.  waste not, want not.  it's like the cliche 'when life gives you lemons, make lemonade'.  my uncle George used to take it further for me and its one of those god-things i should keep at the forefront of my mind.  he'd say, 'life gives you lemons, and they say make lemonade, but they don't say that life gives you water or sugar.  so if all life gives you is lemons, eat the lemons.  eat them, suckle them, savor them sour or not, so that when life gets around to giving you oranges and apples and grapes, you'll appreciate them all the more because you'll remember when all you had were lemons'.  isn't that much more poignant, more powerful?

wednesday was good.  i got to the gym.  i ate better.  i wrote like a fiend.  gout was and is still on me, but i got around.  i got to the store, got some things in case we get another big snow.  i got a text from R on tuesday night, asking if i'd rsvp'd for her mom's book club meeting with an author.  she said she thinks about me every day and asked how i am. it made me feel good.  i told her i hadn't rsvp'd because i really was only going to be with her.  and that i was feeling better and that i was thinking about her more.  i saw SL, coaxed a sweet kiss from her and gave her food.  she called me later to tell me that she valued my friendship and wanted to stay there.  i am very cool with that.  i thought about it through the night, though.  why would i go further?  loneliness?  rebound?  hostage mode activated?  she's a sweet girl, something about her both innocent and guilty as fuck.  but she's good people.  i can always use another friend.  lemons to eat are good at warding off scurvy and a vitamin c deficiency.  as good as oranges.
i don't know what i'm doing today.  need a cover for Old Lazarus.  need to do some paperwork.  but i wanted to get this done and forgot earlier and now it's done.  thank you Father for love and motion.

good day

it's Tuesday.  the day has started well, emotionally and mentally, though i am having a bout of gout (haha) and it's making walking troublesome, though not impossible.  I've been taking my medicine and cherry juice, but it's holding on and flaring and so i didn't go to the gym today.  I got up with prayer, had a very responsible breakfast and have been doing quite a bit of good writing.  i portioned out some lasagna and lemon pound cake for SL in case she should come to pick it up, but that's up to her.  My dad asked if i could take him downtown tonight, a meeting at the historical society, and i told him i would.  i won't put family on hold for anyone anymore.
my mind still feels sharp, but i'm tired and i'm sure most of that is just the strain of mentally dealing with this gout.  i wish i could have gone to the gym today, but i am going to go tomorrow without a doubt.  i have clothes to wash, i have a few things i need to tend to online and i need to keep my ass off social media.  nothing is going on there that won't be going on in the next year, so it's time to just see the universe.  such as it is.  more later.

thank you God

i feel a lifting.  I don't want to speak prematurely, but something inside me has shifted.  I felt it yesterday, i spoke on it slightly and i guess i'll speak on it a bit more.  i started this day off feeling blessed and energized.  it has been a while.  it has been a couple of months, at least.  but i felt it today.  and I am now going to start doing this in earnest again.

yesterday, i was at my meeting.  it is a big book study.  we were on the chapter in the big book of AA entitled 'there is a solution'.  it was exactly what i needed to hear.  in that chapter, they talk about the dis-ease of alcoholism, but the obsessive/compulsive nature of the alcoholic is the obsessive/compulsive nature of the addict, the eating disorder sufferer, the gambler, the depressive and so many other afflicted people.  they can't all be cured with 'abstinence' as it is written in the book for alcoholics to  begin their journeys, but it can be seen that we indulge in certain behaviors that take us to doing things that we don't necessarily want to do, actions that we are trying to leave behind.  and when this happens, there is no real such thing as 'will-power', there is no real such thing as 'determination', because once the cycle begins, it begins until the mind can effect a new level of acceptance, deeper than the level that was initially required to begin the journey in the first damn place.  in other words, even recovery is a form of dependency, which has a tolerance level that has to be superseded in order to restart the journey.  what has this to do with me?

i slacked off at the holidays.  i made happiness and comfort my guidance system instead of the goals i'd set in September.  I compromised the mission, as i've done so many times in the past.  and when i tried to get back on track without accepting that the lack of discipline was the problem and not what R was doing or not doing or what anyone else in my life was responsive or reactionary about, it didn't work.  that's the reality, that's the truth.  i lost my way because i put things in front of my goal and those things were not going to get me where i needed to go.

where am i now?

i went to the gym.  my son came to youngstown because i told him that it would be really good to see him.  i feel my acceptance has improved.  i am writing like crazy.  i saw how there are actually people who care about me at the gym, who were glad to see me back.  i know that i can allow my isms, my food fiend attitude, my actions against my own best interest to dictate the course of events, or i can accept that i believe in God, that God has a plan for me, and he doesn't need me to alter it just because there are parts that are 'too hard' for me to stay true to.  that's where i am right now.  and that's what i'm going to work on.

i don't know what tomorrow is going to bring, or if it will come at all.  but i know if it does, i'm going to turn my will and life over to God, ask that God's will be done in all things, and be obedient to the process.  and that i am grateful for the people who are always there for me, no matter what.

found wandering, lost in space

well, this is a curious crossroads i'm at.
you learn, if you pay attention, that there are more than one reality that you live in at any given time.  because though your life is the primary life you are living, you are always also living a piece of someone else's life as well.  it's the nature of interdependancy.  unless you live in complete isolation, cut off from every other human, you are influenced by and are an influence upon, every other living being you come in contact with.  and even in complete isolation, you were born, you have parents, and at some point they bore a great deal of the psychic weight that became part of your own conscious life.  so you can't get away from it.
i am not doing well.  i have allowed those interdependent struggles to define and undermine my internal progress.  i am acknowledging this because the time for change is nigh.
but i think the corner is about to be turned.
i don't want to go into detail about it, because thus far that's felt mostly like i'm whistling in the dark.  suffice it to say, i have allowed my spirit to be hijacked again, right under my nose, which is how it always happens.  i will go more into detail once i get my ass back in gear, within the next 48 hours.
thank you, Father, for showing me how to get the answers by cleaning my house.  later.

snowed in

it's a pretty day out today.  but there's a lot of snow.

i am in not good shape.  i am slacking bad.  i am not going to punish myself for that, but i am going to seek clarity and more effective action.  so that starts with full disclosure and as brutal of honesty as i can muster without self-damage.

first, current events.  i got up today and i don't believe i said my prayers.  the fact that i can't remember is the reason that it's time for a major overhaul in this process.  i got up, i was groggy and grumpy and lazy.  it is snowed under, so the gym is out, but it is an excuse, a better excuse compared to the poor excuses of this week.  truth is, i have used R as a way of defocusing, of being sad and therefore unproductive.  and she deserves better than that, but more importantly, I DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT.  that is the truth, but what's happening now is what i said.  i got up, there was no school, it was cancelled yesterday.  i watched the episode of Gravity Falls i'd been trying to catch, and TP called as i started watching it to bitch about stuff.  eventually i told her i'd call back, as i'd been waiting for two days for the season and series finale to come on and couldn't watch it yesterday as my dad was getting out of the hospital and my brother and i had to go get him and the second showing was at midnight.  so i wanted to see it, not wait until 4 and the next interruption.  i don't really feel bad for telling her i'd call her back.  she complains about everything now, and i'm seeing that between her and the guy that i used to sponsor who is trying to figure out how to get with her, i need distance because i only see bad things coming.  but that's enough of that.

i ate, i watched my show, i went back to bed.  i laid in the bed, knowing i needed to get my quizzes emailed,  knowing i have shit to do, and doing none of it.  i just lay back, on fucking facebook.  at this point, its closing in on noon, i've emailed my quizzes, i am starting on cleaning and i'm writing in my journal, so it's moving along.

as of late, i've been moody, irritable, distant and sad.  i've been lonely in an incredible way, and my mind just runs with it.  i can't blame R for that, nor am i.  i've known her for 10 years.  her depression is as unique as my own.  i can only say that love is a very complicated river to navigate, that it never gets easier and that regardless of your desire to not be in it, you always find yourself back there except by a force of self-will, of which i have no desire for now.  a friend came back yesterday and sunday, new friend, and that helped, and it showed me that what i really need is to get out of this seclusion and get back to what is going to work for me.  and that is what i'm attempting at this time.  i hate that i've been so easy to manipulate by my poor choices.  it has to get easier, self-discipline.  in the Big Book it talks of letting God discipline us as the steps suggest, but God is not going to do for me what i can do for myself.  if God says do these things and you can feel better and i say 'i'll try my own way for the millionth time, it may work this time, but thank you', then i get no results and i stay miserable.  that's the deal.  and i know that.  so why am i still living like i don't have to go to the gym, like i don't have to change my habits?  why am i still down when i know that if R could get in touch with me she would but if my depression changes my actions then depression has the power to change actions?  because i am still not willing to put the energy into the process.  and that's got to change.

this day is almost done.  i haven't had gout too bad today, which is a nice change of pace.  i talked to my new friend twice today, we'll refer to her as SL.  it's just nice having another grown voice in my life.  they are rather scarce these days.  i got some work done in the living room.  i've got to put in some more applications today, see if i can find some other peer support positions in this area.  once i have my certification i think that will make a lot of this easier.  i don't know.  i felt some better today.  i needed a day like this; do some things, what i can, and no reason to go above and beyond for the rest of it.  tomorrow, i'll see what the day brings, but i am grateful to God for a day of productive rest.  i'm done.

it doesn't end

it's been a few days.  I didn't mean to let it get away from me but between the training class and the cold, I just sort of burrowed into a persona that would keep me going and i put everything else on hold for a while.  i wish i'd stayed there.  i really do.  i have found that one of my oldest friends in this program, Mark Lewis from Columbiana County, died on the first of February.  I am near tears, but they're not falling.  i saw him last year, in Salem.  I'd gone to see if i could find the apartment he and his wife were living in.  they'd lived in Lisbon for years, in fact that is where they lived when i met him in treatment in 88.  but they lost the house, his addiction robbing them for the entire length of my sobriety, and his wife had a stroke and he had a number of illnesses that were killing him.  so i had a chance to see him, to sit and have coffee with him and talk to him.  I gave him some money for cigarettes at the end and promised i'd come to visit him in cleveland when he moved there with their baby girl.  but i never did, never got the chance, and seeing him sick i truly did not want to see his wife, Pat, crippled with stroke.  they were two of the best people i'd even known in my life.  and now he's dead.  I don't know how.  I don't know what exactly happened.  i only know his time came, and he's gone.  i found out about it on facebook.  i wonder how many other people have gone that i don't know about, that i will never truly know about.  one day i will be gone, and someone that cared about me once upon a time won't know about it.  but that's life for some of us.  the ones who live grieve the ones who die, and eventually we each get a turn in both roles.

i have work to do now.  i don't want to continue on in half tones and half measures.  i want to get it right.  i see the light ahead of me, i see where things can change and maybe my last years can be wonderful.  i don't know for sure; i'm not God and do not presume to know His mind.  but i know that i've been given some keys to some doors i'd not had before and i intend to use them.  so, i am going to get on with my writing, with my orbit.  it's been rocky so far.  it's been stop and start.  but i do believe i can do it.  i am going to grieve my friend for a few more hours, and then i'll get ready to get back to riding this thing.  it's all i know to do.

revelation

i am tired again.  tired of this world and the things it does for no reason other than greed and chaos.

the class is exactly what i knew it would be, tiny boxes to compartmentalize intelligence in enough fractured pieces that it disappears.

i wish i had counseling this week.

i'm not writing, because i am pretty disgusted.  but i will write about it tomorrow.  God willing, and the creek don't rise.

...you caught me smiling...

that's the title of a Sly Stone song that I love.  it's how i'm feeling this evening, I guess. my counselor informed me that 10 and 2 are no longer the correct positions for one's hands due to the proliferation of airbags in cars.  i know i am a dinosaur, feel it more acutely every day, and though i know it wasn't intentional, it was like she just casually carbon dated me and found me a fossil.  so i'm smiling, just thinking about how much things change, and how much they stay the same after all.

my back is still hurting, my gout has faded back some, and i'm tired but not like yesterday.  i got up with prayer and coffee, saw Syd off and had my breakfast, an omelet and the other bagel half.  I got to the training in more than enough time and liberated another muffin for Syd.  the classes were pretty much the same.  i am sure that i can pass the certification test, i'm going to put in study time every day to make sure that happens.  well, tomorrow and thursday anyway.  tomorrow morning, tomorrow when i get in from training.

I got in and called TF to see how she was, and of course she's still romancing the heaviness of her grief.  I don't mean to imply that she's not legitimately sad; hell, both her parents are gone from this world.  but i know she is into drama, though she pretends not to be, and i know for some people it just comes naturally.  i also called TP, who is very ill but that didn't stop her from talking for about twenty minutes straight about things i don't care anything about at all.  it's a strange thing, friendship.  that's what you have to do sometimes.  just shut up, let someone run until they've exhausted their crazy and then go on about your business.  it's all good.

i just want to crash, get up and get wednesday under my belt.  tired.  but i'm still smiling.  obviously i couldn't pass a driving test today if i don't even know where to put my hands.  and the really strange thing is, not being able to pass wouldn't even mean i wouldn't pass in a world like this.  Thanks, God, for humor despite the insanity.

oy...

well, i have survived day one.  and 'survived' is not an exaggeration.

prayed and chilled, since i got up waaay too early.  wanted to hit the gym, but my back has been in agony since saturday and is showing little sign of abating.  so i took trash to the dumpster, got a printout to the JCC center for ML to finish my re-app, and i came back home.  had coffee, sugar was good waking so i took insulin and meds and had breakfast.  i left early enough to find the trumbull county metropolitan housing, and i got to class early as well.  then there came the first day of the training.

first, its not so much job training as certification training.  so there's no pay.  the starting time is 8 but it ends at 430, not 5 because they close at 430 and we have to get in 40 hours this week.  i participated, as sleepy and irritable as i was.  most of the information i knew but a lot of it showed me where many of the weaknesses the recovery programs have been adapting have come from.  this is not so much a recovery movement as an endorsement of a person's right not to have to follow tried and true directions, as well as an undermining of the 12 Traditions.  but i just have to learn to drive the damn car.  10 and 2, 10 and 2.

by the end, sitting was rough, standing was rough, driving was rough.  had to stop at kmart for printer ink.  that was rough.  finally got home, after i stopped at kfc for something disgusting that i didn't want.  but i didn't have the energy to stand and cook anything.  so i'm kind of ruling the gym out until this is done, or until i can get my back to stop screaming at me.

it's hot, in my room.  i soaked in a hot tub of epsom and i took 3 tylenol and i'm feeling a bit better.  had a gout flare trying to start.  drank some black cherry concentrate, i'll take my meds in the morning.  getting old sucks ass.  but i'm grateful.  i know what i know, i'll learn what i don't and i have a great deal of practice in tolerating people whom i found irksome.  it's not the best attitude, but it lets me keep my hands at 10 and 2, and that's what i'm striving for right now.  thank you, Jehovah, for endurance and ears that work.

beginning (before)

i'm about to go to sleep, as i have things to do tomorrow.  i had a good day, a little busy, a little constructive, a little neglectful, but mostly in preparation for the coming day and the coming week.
i start training for certification to obtain the peer support position (recovery coach) at Neil Kennedy.  it's one of those things that grates against my sensibilities, but i am trying to see it as something that can be beneficial down the line.  reading through the material, it's apparent that the lunatics are in the halls.  but that's life in the new millennium.  so i can either learn the new ways so that my ability to be of service can be brought up to speed, or i continue being ineffective in an insane world and just hope that one day the pieces come together magically.  not much chance of that.

i went to the meeting but not the Hall.  i had to get stuff to prepare so Syd would have things here in the course of the week.  i got the meeting rent to Lester to pay at the clinic.  i started reading the course material, and its as bizarre as i'd believed it would be.  but it's a change of pace, it will put me in a position to do something different in my life and who knows where it could lead to?

so, one day at a time.  get up, say my prayers, get to the gym.  come home, have coffee, take blood reading, take insulin and meds, eat something and get ready to skedaddle to this training.  there from 8 to 5, lord.

Thank you, Father, for the opportunity, and please help me be grateful and open minded.

seems to be a sleepy kind of day.  i woke up and said my prayer but it took two tries to get it from my heart.  just sleepy to the point of being unfocused.  i gathered trash, had coffee and water and decided to go to the gym anyway.  it's nice there when there are people who seem actually glad to see me.  it makes a difference.  threw the trash out before i hit the gym, came home to see Syd off to school and checked my sugar.  higher than yesterday, got to have more discipline in my eating.  took insulin and meds, and am waiting to see about funeral stuff at an appointment i have today.  its moving along rather well, though i'm in bed and pretty sleepy.  i want to take a bath but i'm sure i'll be asleep soon after so i'm holding off on that.

(this one was from thursday, if i'm not mistaken.  i didn't finish it, but it was in draft form and so i published it so it would be recorded.  sorry about the slipping.)

...just a bit of turbulence...

i stopped today, and that was a good and a not good thing.  I stopped because i got some disappointment yesterday.  I didn't get the Kindle Scout publishing contract for Mechanical Jesus.  I did not get my hopes up, but hope is hope.  as a friend aptly put it, 'all hope has weight attached'.  that is the gospel truth.
i found out through an email, after a week of what was supposed to be deliberation on their part.  immediately i felt a coldness creeping on me.  I know it was disappointment, but was it toward myself or the event?  that's important to know.  because i did nothing wrong.  i see weaknesses in my foundation, but the foundation is holding.  the weaknesses are those i allowed to come in over time.  the isolation, the disgust with the world, the seclusion, losing touch with so many who could have brought in so many more votes.  there is sacrifice in campaigning.  i have to analyze for the next attempt.  and that is one indication that it is not a disappointment in myself.  there WILL be another attempt.  The Book Of Old Lazarus will be done next month and it is going up for consideration as well.
the event itself?  well, i can see, i have eyes.  four hundred plus people contacted Amazon, gave them a once over.  probably bought some shit while they were there.  emails go out to those four hundred people that say 'you will be notified if this book is made available'.  Amazon will get their pound of flesh.  it's loaded, and it's janky, but it is not unfair.  i knew all this going in.  it's a chance.  the door hasn't closed.  i've lost nothing but time, and there's only so much of that anyway.  so, i am feeling better.  i stayed in today.  i felt like not being bothered, but by God's grace, i didn't get my way.  my brother and his friend stopped by so i could get her laptop running.  brand new laptop, just plug it in, boot it up, fill in the blanks and there you go.  but my brother was checking on me.  my friend Bob stopped by, brought me a plate, worrying about me.  we talked for a long time.  i ate my dinner, which i cooked, and i have a plate for tomorrow, should i be so inclined.  i am again grateful, i am humbled.  there are always lessons if you are always a student.

I start training on monday for the recovery coach position.  i am sort of looking forward to it.  especially in light of the book not being picked up.  it's going to be a week long, 8am to 5pm, and i'm not sure if it's a paid training gig or not.  i have paperwork to go over, quizzes to fill out.  that's going to be a tomorrow thing.  i will give it my all, as i believe in doing now, when i give my word i keep my word.  but i am still dubious.  all this, just to secure funding that you had access to all along anyway.  we humans are kind of dumb.

i didn't text R today.  i didn't want to check up on her.  I did text TF, and she says she's still not doing well.  i don't expect her to be, but i'm not putting my hand any further out than it is.  i figure, if she needs me she knows where i am.  if she doesn't want to need me she has a right not to.

i don't know exactly how i'm feeling.  Syd's doing better in school.  my uncle Tommy, stricken with the same ailment that Muhammad Ali has, in now unable to walk by himself.  i have decisions to make about my end of life stuff.  a friend is about to get into a horrible marriage and i am not going to say anything because she's not going to listen to me.  the world continues on, and nothing changes.  but i've changed.  therefore, something changed, and therefore some things change.  too metaphorical.  i went to bed early yesterday, i woke way too early today and i am tired now.  so i guess i'm going to bed.  thank you, Jehovah, for the lessons, the opportunity, and the next time.

into a new light

a day of good vibes, i'd have to call this.  i got done the things i needed to get done, and i'm pretty well served and happy about that.  i started with prayer and meds and insulin as usual but i didn't go to the gym.  once syd was on her way i had breakfast and then started working on moving my couches out to the curb.  i was offered the couches from my back neighbor's unit as he moved, and i accepted them gratefully.  they're not new and they have wear, but they're in better shape than my old ones and they match.  so i slowly moved things so i could get the old ones out and i moved them outside.  my brother helped me, with his truck, to get the sofa bed to the curb but the plain couch i carried.  then i got dressed, got a money order for my rent and took donuts to my meeting.  it was a pretty good meeting.  i ended up chairing, which was fine, and we found a chairperson for the rest of the month, which was better.  i came home, got the couches moved into my apartment, and waited for my cousin so we could go get some dinner.  we had mexican, and we talked and it was nice to spend time with her.  she's still grieving her mom's passing, and it's just nice to make sure she's functioning if nothing more.

TF came to pick up her soup this morning, forgot that.  and i got notice yesterday by email that training for the recovery coach position starts on monday, Feb. 8th, so i start that, and that's kind of exciting.  i am not lost in the nuances of the thing; it is still a made-up position that allows someone to feel important when all that is required is sponsors to do their jobs and this wouldn't even be an option.  but it's an opportunity, and i'm not going to look that horse in the mouth.  i'm just going to ride it out.  i have to go to the facility VF told me about to get some info about their funeral arrangements.  if they also don't have the option for a green burial i'm going to just start calling some of the local places and compare prices on cremation.  i just want to have it in place so Syd and Deja don't have to worry about me.

all in all, productive and a good start to the month.  tomorrow, bills, writing, and keeping up the R texts.  no other return texts from her, but at least i know she is getting them.  life is strange.  thank you, Jehovah.

Better Day

i kind of enjoyed today.  i can't say it was perfect, but i can say i did better with the things i needed to do than i have previously.  that matters a lot when you're doing course correction.
i got up and prayed and went to the gym.  i did weights and did some time on the elliptical, then i came home.  i had breakfast after i took my meds.  i dozed in and out until it was time to go do my membership renewal.  i got that done, went to the store to get stuff for dinner.  made sloppy joes for syd and her friend, and i got stuff for a chicken stir fry for myself.  i had a two egg omelet with broccoli and cauliflower and cheese and a piece of toast for breakfast and i had soup and a salad and the last salmon patty for lunch.  i went to the Lane funeral home and met with the lady who's in charge of funeral planning.  i didn't get much information that was helpful as to green burial but i did get a good notion of cremation, and it would be budgetable.  i made my way home, sat down talking to Lonnie about some other funeral information he was finding online.  i got a text from TF asking if i would make soup for her as she's not been eating.  go figure.  i said sure, and i went over to get the funds to get the soup stuff.  i got back, worked on her soup and my dinner and got the soup ready.  i'm waiting now for her to come and pick it up.

there is a very heavy vibe to going through the beginnings of planning for your dying.  i am pretty much able to maintain my objectivity, but only by slipping into the gloves of one of the persons i've used inside me to cope in certain situations.  i was humorous, and i joked, but i was really feeling kind of sad, thinking about being at the point in my life of no longer being on earth.  i thought about what i would have to leave my children, about why i'm really trying to sell these damn books, so that i will have something of value that Syd and Deja can hold on to from me.  but really, it doesn't matter.  i'll be dead, either ashes or wormfood, and Syd and Deja will hopefully be behind me in that process.  so what is it, really?  all the expense, all the legalities.  if you don't do it by the book or by the law, you're still dead.  funny.  humans charge for things they have no control over.  charge for clean water, and arrest you for collecting rain water.  we're a sick species, to be sure.

tomorrow i've a meeting, and i'm going to take my cousin to lunch.  i have rent and bills to pay.  i have couches to put on the curb and couches to bring from the back apartment to my own.  it's going to be a busy day.  no gym.  i think hauling heavy furniture will be workout enough.  i hope R is doing okay today.  thank you, God, for all the blessings and the serenity.

just a day

sometimes it really is easier said than done.  and when that's the case, you still have to do it, best to quit talking about it and just do it.  then it may be easier said, but you're not talking about it.  and it might be harder to do, but you're doing it, and that's what matters.

i've not lost any weight in months.  i've not gained any.  i'm balanced at the weight i was last at.  i'm sure that means that i'm fucking up.  i don't like admitting that, but this isn't an orbit of lies and convenient sleight of hand.  i have to get back on my food plan, my food fiend is out of hand right now.  that's the last talk on that particular subject.

i got up and prayed and went to the gym.  i walked half a mile and did some weights.  i was feeling pretty out of sorts.  Syd's not doing well in math, and we had it out.  i'm not going to fight with her about her future.  maybe i should, maybe that's what makes a good dad.  but there is a saying that says, 'a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still'.  i know that applies to Syd because i know it applies to me.  she will have to learn.  but the extracurriculars are out.

i went to my doctor's appointment, obviously, since i know my weight is still what it was.  i like the new office and the new doctor.  she's profane and white trash, and she's smart as hell.  nothing not to like.  i went to my parent's house and i printed off the papers to take in to get my gym membership renewed.  i am wearied of so many things, but so what?  my doctor asked me about my depression due to the screening questions i answered.  i told her i deal with it by living.  that is a truth that i need to remember more often.

i came home and had lunch, and i got salmon ready for croquettes for dinner.  i began working on proofing the first half of Lazarus and my dad came over to talk for a bit.  i cooked dinner, thought about some things, talked to Lonnie and my son, and i'm in bed.

i am under stress.  it's mostly a waiting for shoes to drop kind of shit.  but that's not really it.  i am beset all around me.  i am dealing with this alone socially, not in reality. my mind is not always on board with what my spirit tells me must be done.  inner conflict.  i'm sick of it.  so i'm working on it, doing something about it.  but the main things are, pray more, eat less, exercise more and with more variety.  that's the deal.  and keep looking inside, see what toti is showing me, see what God is showing me.  what choice do i have?

i'm going to sleep soon.  i'm glad i got through this day, Jehovah, and i thank you for that gift.