Moving Forward

i'm not young anymore.  it gets to the point in life where you may not even remember what 'young' feels like.  it has reached that point for me.  i look in the mirror, i see this old man, graying beard, pouches under the eyes, grim, dour expression, and i wonder was there ever a kid with a head full of short hair culminating in a widow's peak, with bright crazy eyes that most girls thought were incredibly cute (paraphrasing slightly), thinking about a future that was still bright and shiny like newly stamped coins?  it doesn't feel like there ever was.  i remember doing things as a kid, but it's kinda like i remember smoking cocaine as information that i've stored in my brain, and not as a life experience that has somehow touched me.  yet, it has, because had i not done cocaine, would i be 30 years clean now?  if i wasn't a kid, would i feel as i feel today?  existential much?

i went to my urologist today, and we're going with a plan C, being that i've lost weight in reverse.  Hahahahahahahahahaha!  yeah, we're going to do the three metal radioactive balls placed in my prostate to release the rads slowly.  whatever.  we'll see what happens.  i have decided, since Rob died, that i don't want to deliberately take a son away from my parents.  not quite the same as wanting to live, but it's the best i can do right now.

work is okay.  having more conversations with the number 2 person than i previously was.  not bad people, never thought they were, but i am mostly inside my head there now, since The Boss left, and its good to have someone that i can kinda vibe with.  the clients are the same.  have to start working on learning sign language, time to start increasing the dimensions of my world, opening myself up to be able to know more.

my grandson is walking more now.  he is also an existentialist, in a baby way of course.  i am glad that Syd is holding on in her life, that she's being a good mom to Timothy.  it doesn't take a whole lot, just presence and patience, and a willingness to share your mind.  that's what i found to be true, anyway, and i was not a great parent, but i was there. 

i don't know.  i will keep writing, keep going, try to stay in positive space as much as i can.  i am blessed, and i know that i am.  i just don't know all the ways that i am, and do i really need to?  thank you, Father, for a wonderful day.