good morning

3am or so.  Tuesday.  been a minute, sorry about that.  strange kind of place i find myself in, mentally, emotionally.  strange kind of space, strange kind of time.  but the details first. 

it's been okay, but i'm not physically active enough.  need more self-discipline, i admit.  the eating has been on point.  i have been praying, been taking my medications, been reading my scriptures (into the book of Jeremiah now), been reading my morning recovery meditations.  i've been to work on time, doing my job.  i spent the weekend with my family, my mom and dad and brother and great-nephew, did my sunday meeting.  i have cleaned up mouse shit, mopped my kitchen with bleach and cleanser solution.  i've been writing.  it doesn't make more hours in the day, but it makes the hours worthwhile.  but it is still trying to structure an abundance of things into a minimalist reality.  hard to do.  close to impossible. 

for instance:  i came home from work yesterday, put the few things from the store away that i'd brought in, ran dish water.  i threw out some things from the fridge, took out the trash.  i made my dinner, which was the work of a few minutes, honestly, all the prep was done.  i ate, i got my dessert, i watched the rest of a movie i'd started over the weekend, and then?  i was in bed.  i should have written, but i was nodding already.  i put on a very good binaural video and was out.  until now, pretty much.  didn't write, but i had the computer open to my story.  didn't do anything else.  and that's okay, because going to bed was the act of responsibility.  but at the same time, the only way to get MY stuff done is to sacrifice something responsible.  and that's not right.  not a good this or that scenario, not to me. 

i've seen much more of Syd and Timothy.  i intend to continue that.  i've been feeling better, incrementally.  that's not a bad thing.  i look at things like this very day, for instance.  i have breakfast stuff ready.  the coffee should start to brew right about now (at 340, in about 5 more minutes in fact).  i'm going to wrap this up so i can do some floor exercises. i should take out something for dinner, but that means coming in and cooking, that means having to burn writing time later.  on the other hand, not cooking means chancing eating some bullshit that i shouldn't eat.  but then i can come in and write before the energy and time is gone.  sacrifice of the responsible thing.  and the thing about responsibility, it's just the ability to respond.  what's in front of me right now?  car decisions.  calling my mechanic again.  looking for the car i want,f finding financing.  getting my bills paid.  those are the chores.  and if i do them,, my life will go on, secure for another span of time. 

i'm going to exercise now.  i didn't want to keep not writing.  i am grateful to Jehovah for the capacity to think and discern things like this.  ''the answers will come if your own house is in order''.  later.