to start, the last few days have been active. wednesday i had an inservice at work, and i ended up missing my meeting. i didn't really have to, but i wanted to support the Number 2 in her presentation on trauma that she had to give, and everyone else was bitching about it and i didn't want to just be one more employee bitching about what was going on. so i stayed. needed the hours anyway. and the day, as they've been, wasn't bad. got fed, got to help out a bit, got to see my parents after work and make sure they were doing okay. then home, eat and crash, as has been my wont lately. thursday, yesterday, i got through the day the same, easy runs, easy afternoon, but i came back from 2nd runs to some tumult at the office, and i ended up having coffee with the number 2, letting her vent and trying to sort through some new information from her. i won't go into detail about it, but i learned quite a bit about her and i was glad for the information, as i had given her a ton of data about me over the weekend and i hate an unreciprocal situation of information. regardless, that was the night, and i came home, ate and ended up sleeping. par for the course.
i'm off today, and i'm going to make the most of the day, so i'm getting this journaling in, getting some clothes washed, have counseling and a lunch with Lonnie scheduled, and i'm going to try to keep from worrying overtly about things i can't change. and i guess that brings me back around to what i was saying earlier.
i went to my urologist tuesday and explained the mindstate and physical ramifications i've been dealing with lately. he suggested a 3rd alternative, brachytherapy, and i am going to see the person who will do this procedure. so the treatment goes further, and my number has increased slightly as far as my PSA, i guess it it? i don't know why i don't care more about these things, but i don't. i just want to know if i'm going to live and get okay (i don't think i'll ever get 'better') or not live. regardless of the coin toss, i'm just ready to be done. but it again gets me to thinking. what's next?
i have money going out now. i have to get a car. have to take on a car payment, likely. this surgery will cost. meds will cost. regular monthly bills. i'll have to work, to work more, actually. i'm waiting to see if and/or when the axe will fall concerning my disability. ain't gonna not be a diabetic. but i know i'm working in an arena that is dangerous for a diabetic to work in. but what choice do i have?
yet, i don't get lost in this kind of thinking. i don't feel overwhelmed by it. I think about Rob. I think about Johnnie. i look at their faces everyday, first thing before i get up, last thing before i go to sleep. its interesting. i could use a sponsor right now, someone to help me get my thoughts in a linear track to follow along, like connect the dots, to get to a beneficial conclusion. but i don't encounter people who do that well anymore. used to me more of them, even aside from my sponsor. now even he's gone. and my brother...i have the thought that i have to remember him, as if i'd ever forget him. but it's not just that. i think of Rob, and i think of Rick and Ryan and Jerry, my other 3 brothers. i think of them because Rob is gone, though Jerry stays on my mind daily anyway. but the other two, more now because Rob is gone. and had Rob not died, would i then think of them less, or not at all? it makes a person consider and reconsider, with my own cancer treatment ahead, knowing that my brother died as a complication in his cancer treatment. hell, knowing that my sponsor had 4 years of misery and deterioration as a result of them botching his initial cancer treatment. but what a choice: the possibility of death from the disease versus the possibility of death from the treatment.
anyway, i'm into this day. i've altered my morning ritual slightly, i listen to a reading of my scriptures online, just so i can take it in as i'm doing things. i don't want to get up earlier, and i am not going to stop taking in spiritual food. my clothes are in the wash now, i'll dry them when i get home. i just finished eating breakfast and i'm going to write in my book and take some time to search for a car before i leave for the day. i know Jehovah has blessed me, and i don't doubt that at all. but i feel what i feel, you know? you can have faith and still be depressed. those aren't exclusive modes of being. and though i sometimes forget that, i know my Creator does not, as i've not yet been condemned for my fears. time to do the day.
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