Probably should have written this last night, but i didn't. should have done several things, but beginnings can be as traumatic as endings, in their own way. some know what i'm talking about. don't care one way or the other, for real.
i thought about a lot yesterday, as indicated by the Journey entry from then. Last day in April. another year older and deeper in debt, to paraphrase. and i knew i had a choice. stated, not to be reiterated.
i've chosen to live, i believe.
i don't mind self-disgust. if you can't be disgusted by your own selfish, self-serving and self-destructive actions, you're either enjoying them or you're mining a profit of some sort from them. i am not feeling that kind of shit right now. so i decided it was time to do some things differently. thing is, it never requires all that much. move, for God's sake. just move. what's sitting in front of you? deal with it. what's that over in the peripheral? if it's not right in front of you, it doesn't matter at the moment. deal with what's in front, then deal with the shit on the side if you can. MOVE. should be an acronym for something. Momentum Overcomes Valueless Expressions, or something like that. anyway...
so, yesterday i went to work. i got in and got it started. i did NOT go to any fast food place for breakfast, though i heard the voice telling me to. nor did i go to a gas station to buy fast food breakfast on a heating rack. i got the first part of my run out of the way. then i made my way to my parent's house.
i had a plan to walk. half hour, fifteen minutes one way, fifteen minutes back. damn the miles, just walk the time. on my way to the folk's house, my car went down. reminiscent of when the wheel mount broke last year. but it was something in the engine mount, and the hood popped up, and it wasn't going nowhere. stopped it right at the intersection, called triple A for a tow, let my mom know i would be delayed, had the car towed to my house and got my brother to take me to my parent's house. cooked dinner for them for that day, and perhaps the next, and had lunch while i was there. protein and vegetable. then i got to work in enough time TO TAKE MY WALK. of course, i thought about not. good excuse. but that's how demons operate. shake the resolve; dying is preferable when there's a good reason to do it slow. i chose to live, if possible. so i walked. HARD. been so inactive. had to sit at the apex of the walk, for a minute. breathing hard, sweating hard. but i did it.
finished the work day. came home, had the last of the leftover pizza. no problem acknowledging that. i have nothing here to make a responsible meal, so i ate what i had on hand and will hit a store today. other issues as well. have to see what's what with the stove, since Lonnie cleaned it out. went to make breakfast today but it wasn't lighting. i'll check it when i get home. then, i have to look into a car. thinking about a lease, but i have to call my credit union, see where i stand.
best thing is, when the decision was made, i felt good about it. through everything happening yesterday, there was no panic, no sense of doom and gloom, no screaming or cursing or feeling like the world was just a shit place. it was stuff to deal with. it IS stuff to deal with. i'm going to deal with it.
today i have to get cards for TF and Rachel, who have birthdays coming up. going to see Syd and Timothy. have chicken marinating, but i have to find a way to cook it. might be the first grill of the year for me. that would be nice.
i am grateful today. i have to walk today as well. i know that Jehovah has blessed me, and i feel His strength and I want to be true to it, not undermine it and then cry that i feel weak. gotta go now.
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