Progress vs Success

1 Corinthians 13:12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

good morning. it's friday, and the life continues.

it's about 3 in the morning, little later. i'm up, about to get moving on the day. i haven't prayed yet, but i will. i have a lot to do today, not as much as i could jam into this day, but enough to keep me moving throughout the day. i'm grateful for the activity; i'm grateful for the life. i actually am.

yesterday was new stuff. not all of it, most of it was pretty standard. work was nothing out of the ordinary. full load, such as it is. prayer and meds (what i have left) and seeing my parents. my eating is off, i am going to get it back on. but for the most part, pretty much by the number.

but i went looking at cars with my father yesterday, and that zone was completely unexplored territory. went to 3 car lots in the Warren area. i hate car lots. I HATE SALESMEN. but i went, because i found a car that i really thought i'd like, i took my dad because he's a long-time haggler and i am not good at haggling, and he has a GM discount that i can use. and we had a good day, and that was REALLY the takeaway from the whole thing. but on the flip, it was a bust, because car sales people are car sales people. they want to get the most they can get out of you, instead of just doing their job to move their inventory. and i am not having it, not now.

i thought about going back out today, as it's the last day of the month and reportedly this is the time when the deals are the sweetest, but i'd like to get to counseling this morning, and i need to tend to some other things also. as i said, my eating has been off, so i need to get that shit back on track. and i need to pick up medicine today from UPS, as my pharmacy found it necessary to send it with a 'sign for delivery'. some things i absolutely need right now. been out of an agent that helps me pee for over a week, and i can tell, lawd can i tell...

anyway, saw Rachel yesterday, talked for a bit. don't see much of her now, but she has a fuckton of shit going on. i think i need to get my house together, and i need to start creating in earnest again. the book is slowly coming. i have gotten some things done this past week, and i can't moan too much about that. but i have to get back to me, and that's kind of important to the whole process.

i am grateful to Jehovah for the opportunity to spend with my dad. likely i'll go back out, after some preliminary work today, on Saturday. but i will find what Jehovah has for me, and it will be a good deal for me. i believe that. and now i'm done.

Moving on Thangs

 this is the fish i'm going after tomorrow.  2011 Buick LaCross, less than 81,000 miles, under $12,000. i have prayed, and i have turned it over, and i've begun the process.  whatever God's will is for me, may His will be done, and may I be blessed with the grace to accept it.

this has been a good day for me.  i started with prayer, and though the sleep was fitful, it did happen.  i got up and read and took the meds i still have (while waiting for my doctor's office to approve ONE LAST REFILL so my pharmacy can ship my entire order), and i got dressed and got in the wind. 

at work, the day went pretty easy.  i didn't expect any problems, but i didn't really expect one way or the other.  being prepared to deal with what comes is the best solution that i can live in, and i try to do that.  all my clients rode today, no incidents on the bus. 

i went to my parent's house at the break, made my mom coffee and made them both pancakes and sausage.  i asked my father if he would help me tomorrow at the car lot and he said he would roll out with me.  i'm not sure i need his help, not sure i don't either (same as above).  but what i do know is my father likes to help with things that he can, and it is going to hurt nothing to include him in this process.  he deserves to know he is loved and venerated on earth. 

i talked to Lonnie briefly, but not Rachel.  texted with Syd, talked to her for the briefest of moments, and did my noon meeting.  it was pretty good for what i could take in, long chapter on the 4th step.  i had to leave early, but not before i had a chance to comment.  got back to work and finished the day. bought myself and the 2nd in command some fish, went to my parent's house to do a couple things they'd asked me to, and then home, to eat, to clean up, to get myself geared up should Jehovah awaken me to a new day. 

i am nervous about the car. i've programmed myself away from things like that.  when i got the Grand Marquis, i could have gotten a more expensive car.  i could have put myself in a different situation.  but i went with the car i wanted, with what was budgeted to me by my credit union.  now, i'm trying to keep in mind that there is no way to get out of this life alive, and restricting myself and holding myself to a lower lifestyle ain't going to get me more years.  so if i'm not killing myself or anyone else, why not try?  why not succeed?  why not enjoy?  i have no answer to those things in the negative, so keep me in your prayers.  i'll let you know how it turns out.  regardless, Jehovah's will be done, and thanks for letting me do my thing.  

Home Again, Home Again...

it's fairly early, maybe 4:40.  just got in from work, putting some food together.  it wasn't a bad day.  i've not been keeping up with this, because i've been at my parent's house all weekend, keeping my mother company and keeping an eye on her in case something happened.  my father asked me if i could, and of course i could and did.  it's not really a whole lot safer with him there, but two can do more than one, even if it's just a little more.  and i'll be back over tomorrow before my meeting.

today i went to visit my daughter and my grandson.  that is always a pleasure for me.  he is always glad to have me around, and that is a good feeling.  and i can get into his ways, the little things he does as he's in the process of learning what assholes human beings are.  i know a part of my being here is to help him know that he can be more, better, wiser than the world around him, wiser and better than the world wants him to be.  and my daughter is doing the motherhood thing, under quite a bit of duress i might add.  i am proud enough of her; she has bad choices in her dossier of grown behavior, she could have chosen that, and still could to be honest. but for now, she's doing a stand-up job, and seems to be learning as she goes, and i can't exactly complain about that. 

i'm waiting for my medicines, they come in the mail.  i was told at my last doctor visit that all my prescriptions were renewed by her, but they called me this afternoon and said one that i really do need they don't have a refill for.  one of the indicators of aging is the NEED for a medicine and the simmering anger that begins when there's a problem with it.  and it ain't about no kind of high...just about functioning at a particular diminished level consistent to the one you were at, not going any lower than that. 

my mom was glad i was there, and i was glad to be there.  saturday was a good deal, grilling and cooking for sunday's dinner, and sunday was wonderful.  some family, not a lot of people so enough of everything.  i didn't really enjoy sleeping on the couch but i did enjoy spending time.  Joe came with Syd and the baby on Sunday, though apparently they almost didn't make it.  but i'm used to that too.

today was work, and things were okay.  just okay.  i haven't changed the shelves yet; i need to, and started to but i dropped the label maker and it is not functioning at this time.  i will get it done, though.  i need to do a lot of things.  i don't believe i'm procrastinating, not deliberately anyway.  i have to start the process of finding a car, and i only know to look, test drive and find financing.  i don't really know the nuances of car buying, because it's not a thing that i've done with any regularity or success.  but i will have to learn what it is about and get it done.
otherwise, prayed this morning, read my books, took the meds i do have.  i've been writing, and will do some more shortly.  i am going to crash and if i am blessed to awaken again, there's a meeting tomorrow at the FSH and i will take things one thing at a time, which is the only way to live.  thank you, Jehovah, for family and friends. 

well, the week is almost done.  i'm almost done too.  got just enough juice left to journal and crash.  feels like, anyway.  i'm a bit hungry, but i think that's mental.  anway...

today was a nice day.  the run was not bad, saw my daughter and my grandson, made dinner for my mom, stayed out of the way of foolishness and drama and had a good time of it.  but i'm weary; i didn't get in a nap, and the sleep at night is still not one unbroken block. 

had some things happen, though.  not a pristine week, though we're only dealing with the day overall.  realized a co-worker separated all our mailboxes, or rearranged them i should say, with all the black drivers relegated to the bottom of the second column, at the end.  there was no reason for this, as she was not asked to rearrange the mail boxes and simply took it upon herself to do so. but she did, and it took me a minute to notice, because you don't really look for obvious and blatant things, you tune yourself way in to try to perceive the subtle.  but i spoke with the head person about redoing the mailboxes, and i'll take it upon myself to alphabetize them, which would make much more sense.  i can't imagine the woman who did this doesn't realize how bad things should get for her, or for the company if enough of the brothers and sisters found it offensive.  but, i prayed and acted on my prayer, and that's the best thing to do, i believe.

i am going to go out to find a car at some point this weekend.  i've gotten far too used to driving my mother's car, and i don't believe in dependence when action is required.  we'll see what we turn up. 

i feel okay, eating needs to be tightened back up, i know and i will act on it.  that's it, no excuses will do.  i know, and i will act on it.

i'm grateful.  things are moving forward, and change is in the air.  i thank my Father for the provisions of the day and the blessings of my life so far.

shit, i can't even say what happened this time.  i have been living my life, best i can, is all i can say, and that's a poor excuse indeed.  i can't believe it's been four days.  and i think about doing this, i really do.  but not to the extent that it's 'front brain' stuff anymore.  like, yesterday i thought, when's the last time i Journeyed?  then i was sleep, then it was today, and i've been laying on this bed for the past hour and some change, thinking about taking a shower, fucking around on the FB, and not journaling.  i don't know.

it's been okay.  for the most part.  i mean, i did get my mechanic over to check the Gran Marquis, but i haven't gotten back in touch with him yet, so he can lift it up and get a better look.  i grilled over the weekend (on Friday, i believe), and i fretted about finances until i realized i had more than enough money (thank you, Jehovah).  i've been working, i've been taking care of my clients as best i can, i've seen my daughter over the weekend and broke bread with her, gave her some potatoes, some raw and some mashed.  i've been to counseling and stayed awake through it.  still driving my  mother's car to my consternation.  i'm ready for Memorial day, if only for another extended weekend.  we lost another driver due to managerial senselessness. i'm still eating okay, though i did stretch it a bit tonight, but i deprived myself through the day to make that happen.  i'm okay.  i miss my grandson, but i'll see him soon.  my dad is going to be out of town this week, so i'll be spending more time at their house to keep an eye on my mom.  just life shit.  but the tiredness has been present, no point lying.  and we'll just have to do something about that, but in Jehovah's time, not mine. 

i'm grateful for your patience, whomever you might be, and happy for the ability to share, thank you Father for that.   

Been Rough...

been a few days, i know.  it isn't intentional this time.  it's been more one of just not remaining conscious long enough to get anything else done.  but it's time to begin Journeying in earnest.  i'm down to it, change is upon me and i may as well get used to leaving the thoughts at the end of the line.  not talking suicide, sorry.  it sounds fatalistic, but i'll get more into it later.

to start, the last few days have been active.  wednesday i had an inservice at work, and i ended up missing my meeting.  i didn't really have to, but i wanted to support the Number 2 in her presentation on trauma that she had to give, and everyone else was bitching about it and i didn't want to just be one more employee bitching about what was going on.  so i stayed.  needed the hours anyway.  and the day, as they've been, wasn't bad.  got fed, got to help out a bit, got to see my parents after work and make sure they were doing okay.  then home, eat and crash, as has been my wont lately.  thursday, yesterday, i got through the day the same, easy runs, easy afternoon, but i came back from 2nd runs to some tumult at the office, and i ended up having coffee with the number 2, letting her vent and trying to sort through some new information from her. i won't go into detail about it, but i learned quite a bit about her and i was glad for the information, as i had given her a ton of data about me over the weekend and i hate an unreciprocal situation of information.  regardless, that was the night, and i came home, ate and ended up sleeping.  par for the course. 

i'm off today, and i'm going to make the most of the day, so i'm getting this journaling in, getting some clothes washed, have counseling and a lunch with Lonnie scheduled, and i'm going to try to keep from worrying overtly about things i can't change.  and i guess that brings me back around to what i was saying earlier. 

i went to my urologist tuesday and explained the mindstate and physical ramifications i've been dealing with lately.  he suggested a 3rd alternative, brachytherapy, and i am going to see the person who will do this procedure.  so the treatment goes further, and my number has increased slightly as far as my PSA, i guess it it?  i don't know why i don't care more about these things, but i don't.  i just want to know if i'm going to live and get okay (i don't think i'll ever get 'better') or not live.  regardless of the coin toss, i'm just ready to be done.  but it again gets me to thinking.  what's next? 

i have money going out now.  i have to get a car.  have to take on a car payment, likely.  this surgery will cost.  meds will cost.  regular monthly bills.  i'll have to work, to work more, actually.  i'm waiting to see if and/or when the axe will fall concerning my disability.  ain't gonna not be a diabetic.  but i know i'm working in an arena that is dangerous for a diabetic to work in. but what choice do i have?

yet, i don't get lost in this kind of thinking.  i don't feel overwhelmed by it.  I think about Rob.  I think about Johnnie.  i look at their faces everyday, first thing before i get up, last thing before i go to sleep.  its interesting.  i could use a sponsor right now, someone to help me get my thoughts in a linear track to follow along, like connect the dots, to get to a beneficial conclusion.  but i don't encounter people who do that well anymore.  used to me more of them, even aside from my sponsor. now even he's gone.  and my brother...i have the thought that i have to remember him, as if i'd ever forget him.  but it's not just that. i think of Rob, and i think of Rick and Ryan and Jerry, my other 3 brothers.  i think of them because Rob is gone, though Jerry stays on my mind daily anyway.  but the other two, more now because Rob is gone.  and had Rob not died, would i then think of them less, or not at all?  it makes a person consider and reconsider, with my own cancer treatment ahead, knowing that my brother died as a complication in his cancer treatment.  hell, knowing that my sponsor had 4 years of misery and deterioration as a result of them botching his initial cancer treatment.  but what a choice: the possibility of death from the disease versus the possibility of death from the treatment. 

anyway, i'm into this day. i've altered my morning ritual slightly, i listen to a reading of my scriptures online, just so i can take it in as i'm doing things.  i don't want to get up earlier, and i am not going to stop taking in spiritual food.  my clothes are in the wash now, i'll dry them when i get home.  i just finished eating breakfast and i'm going to write in my book and take some time to search for a car before i leave for the day. i know Jehovah has blessed me, and i don't doubt that at all. but i feel what i feel, you know?  you can have faith and still be depressed.  those aren't exclusive modes of being.  and though i sometimes forget that, i know my Creator does not, as i've not yet been condemned for my fears.  time to do the day.

Moving Forward

i'm not young anymore.  it gets to the point in life where you may not even remember what 'young' feels like.  it has reached that point for me.  i look in the mirror, i see this old man, graying beard, pouches under the eyes, grim, dour expression, and i wonder was there ever a kid with a head full of short hair culminating in a widow's peak, with bright crazy eyes that most girls thought were incredibly cute (paraphrasing slightly), thinking about a future that was still bright and shiny like newly stamped coins?  it doesn't feel like there ever was.  i remember doing things as a kid, but it's kinda like i remember smoking cocaine as information that i've stored in my brain, and not as a life experience that has somehow touched me.  yet, it has, because had i not done cocaine, would i be 30 years clean now?  if i wasn't a kid, would i feel as i feel today?  existential much?

i went to my urologist today, and we're going with a plan C, being that i've lost weight in reverse.  Hahahahahahahahahaha!  yeah, we're going to do the three metal radioactive balls placed in my prostate to release the rads slowly.  whatever.  we'll see what happens.  i have decided, since Rob died, that i don't want to deliberately take a son away from my parents.  not quite the same as wanting to live, but it's the best i can do right now.

work is okay.  having more conversations with the number 2 person than i previously was.  not bad people, never thought they were, but i am mostly inside my head there now, since The Boss left, and its good to have someone that i can kinda vibe with.  the clients are the same.  have to start working on learning sign language, time to start increasing the dimensions of my world, opening myself up to be able to know more.

my grandson is walking more now.  he is also an existentialist, in a baby way of course.  i am glad that Syd is holding on in her life, that she's being a good mom to Timothy.  it doesn't take a whole lot, just presence and patience, and a willingness to share your mind.  that's what i found to be true, anyway, and i was not a great parent, but i was there. 

i don't know.  i will keep writing, keep going, try to stay in positive space as much as i can.  i am blessed, and i know that i am.  i just don't know all the ways that i am, and do i really need to?  thank you, Father, for a wonderful day. 

Rough Wakings

my accomplishment today will have to be that i made it to my office.  i am here now, doing this entry into the Journey.  it is my accomplishment, including the tiny amount of writing that i could do, because i'm exhausted.  it feels like i'm going to pass out.  i have eaten my dinner, but that's not it.  this is an everyday kind of feeling now.  i'm sick of it, but it doesn't seem to change. 

anyway, the day was cool, got through it.  clients were safe, the one i thought i was losing to the other guys was waiting for my bus today and i felt a great sense of relief.  now i'm home and i'm ready to crash. doctor's appointment tomorrow.  just feeling like i'm going to go under.  and it's only almost seven.  but i feel like i feel.

i've nothing deeper than that right now.  grandson is walking when he wants to.  i'm blessed and grateful for time to spend with him, and i thank Jehovah for the blessing today has been. 

Waking Hurting

been a bit, sorry.  i've been getting over this bum ankle, feeling pretty good waking up this saturday morning, though slow motion is the word of the day. been pretty active, differently styled.  i am going to put in some work today, and i'll be getting up shortly to that effect.  but for the moment, reflection before prayer, and prayer before the day.

i can say that it's been emotional for me, last couple of days.  i lost a client to another company, and it's not the losing of the client so much as the stark realization that it is truly only about the money now.  the well-being of the developmentally disabled is not what it's about, and no one will ever be able to lie to me in that way.  it's about access to more and more federal money.  and each client that anyone has is just a chip, a casino coin representing a certain amount of cash.  knowing this is not new; experiencing losing a friend that i've known since i came to work for PCS is a whole different matter. 

then there's the return of the cold, even though it's temporary for the season.  it's cold this morning and my body is resisting activity on that basis.  i know that's the problem at the moment.  i've not yet been able to turn the heat all the way down, and that's really sucking right about now.  i don't want to migrate to the western states; i don't want to go where nobody knows my name.  but i would like to have a week of consistency.  but i've no right to ask Nature to do anything. most of this is due to us fucking up the ozone and the atmosphere around the earth.  we throw shit out of whack and then complain that it's fucked up. 

not much dialog with Rachel, but that's not unexpected.  have been speaking more to Syd and Deja, and that's nice.  money is kinda tight right now, and the search for a car must move forward. but i am not feeling too bad despite any of this.  eating well, exercising more and thinking on things in the coming day.  i thank God for a lack of worry and for needs that are tended to.  thank you for the day, Father.

...A life in the day...

all things considered, it could be worse.

i took a fall today, as i was ending my work day.  i had parked my bus, was the first one back, had gathered my things and put my charger stuff in my bag in the pouch so i could keep track of it.  i was walking across the lot and i hit a low spot, my ankle turned, and i had so much stuff in my hands that i couldn't gain my balance back.  so i went down on gravel.  ouchie. 

scraped up my left arm around the elbow pretty good, also my left knee got some attention.  right side okay, so i know which way i fell.  BUT.  it's the right ankle i rolled.  gonna be hell to pay in the morning, maybe.  i'm set to ice it down and rest it with some Tylenol before i crash.  nothing else to do.  i thought about doing the ER and filing workman's comp, but the ER is a nightmare with one hospital closed, and losing work to wait to get paid is senseless.  i'm not as young as i once was, no delusions about that.  but i'll see how i feel in the morning, if i can walk, if i can drive.  if i can't, i'm going to the ER then and deal with it at that time.

otherwise, a pretty good day.  i saw my daughter and her son and a friend of hers from out of town during my break.  i love my grandson.  he is so amazing to me, and he's always happy to see me, which is pretty amazing too.  it's funny.  i know he's no more grandchild than anyone else's grandchild.  i know he's smart for a baby, that he's cute and he's big and he's sweet.  but i enjoy him in ways that i can't even describe.  when i put my synth app on my phone and he works so hard trying to figure it out (until he did), when he tries so hard to share his thoughts, communicate what's on his mind, it's just a wonderful thing to me.  i can't really explain it any better than that.  i love him.  i love Syd also, and that's important because often parents get neglected in the shadow of their offspring. 

i'm going to log my food intake at the Dining Room, and then i'm going to put some ice on this knee.  coffee's ready for the morning, and while i'm up here i'm going to grab some clothes for the morning so i don't have to do the steps again.  other than that, it's good to be here in my office.  it really is.  i am grateful to Jehovah for making it necessary for me to be up here right now. 

good morning

3am or so.  Tuesday.  been a minute, sorry about that.  strange kind of place i find myself in, mentally, emotionally.  strange kind of space, strange kind of time.  but the details first. 

it's been okay, but i'm not physically active enough.  need more self-discipline, i admit.  the eating has been on point.  i have been praying, been taking my medications, been reading my scriptures (into the book of Jeremiah now), been reading my morning recovery meditations.  i've been to work on time, doing my job.  i spent the weekend with my family, my mom and dad and brother and great-nephew, did my sunday meeting.  i have cleaned up mouse shit, mopped my kitchen with bleach and cleanser solution.  i've been writing.  it doesn't make more hours in the day, but it makes the hours worthwhile.  but it is still trying to structure an abundance of things into a minimalist reality.  hard to do.  close to impossible. 

for instance:  i came home from work yesterday, put the few things from the store away that i'd brought in, ran dish water.  i threw out some things from the fridge, took out the trash.  i made my dinner, which was the work of a few minutes, honestly, all the prep was done.  i ate, i got my dessert, i watched the rest of a movie i'd started over the weekend, and then?  i was in bed.  i should have written, but i was nodding already.  i put on a very good binaural video and was out.  until now, pretty much.  didn't write, but i had the computer open to my story.  didn't do anything else.  and that's okay, because going to bed was the act of responsibility.  but at the same time, the only way to get MY stuff done is to sacrifice something responsible.  and that's not right.  not a good this or that scenario, not to me. 

i've seen much more of Syd and Timothy.  i intend to continue that.  i've been feeling better, incrementally.  that's not a bad thing.  i look at things like this very day, for instance.  i have breakfast stuff ready.  the coffee should start to brew right about now (at 340, in about 5 more minutes in fact).  i'm going to wrap this up so i can do some floor exercises. i should take out something for dinner, but that means coming in and cooking, that means having to burn writing time later.  on the other hand, not cooking means chancing eating some bullshit that i shouldn't eat.  but then i can come in and write before the energy and time is gone.  sacrifice of the responsible thing.  and the thing about responsibility, it's just the ability to respond.  what's in front of me right now?  car decisions.  calling my mechanic again.  looking for the car i want,f finding financing.  getting my bills paid.  those are the chores.  and if i do them,, my life will go on, secure for another span of time. 

i'm going to exercise now.  i didn't want to keep not writing.  i am grateful to Jehovah for the capacity to think and discern things like this.  ''the answers will come if your own house is in order''.  later.

Fuck the Fourth AND the Fifth of May...

there are things that i just can't abide by, even now.  i try hard not to judge, not an individual, not a world.  but i do, because individuals can be duplicitous, and the world is a sad, sick place that can fuck a person up without even trying hard.  i'm weary of most things, honestly.  so when i say fuck the 4th and the 5th, the sentiment and motivation are the same for them both.  individuals who slavishly walk behind whatever is trending at the moment.  may the fourth.  star wars freaks, some way to have some kind of mutual identity, rather than simply being oneself.  a moment of surrendering an individual identity for the privilege of being a part of the slow moving non-thinking herd.  and it seems innocent, it seems innocuous, until you realize that almost every day on the current social calendar is a day that brings 'awareness' to something or other, every month there's some commemorative day that you've likely never heard of, 96 percent of the time, and yet you are under the mores and mentality of the herd who fall under that day's onus.  pretty bizarre to me. 

far as May 5th goes, Cinco de Mayo. a Mexican independence day that americans commemorate by drinking too much, eating americanized Mexican dishes and pretending that sombreros and panchos are not offensive to Mexican people.  the greater irony is the grand hypocrisy of it in the last 3 years, with this stupid fuck rousing the other stupid fucks in a chorus of 'build the wall', giving vent to the inherent racist tendencies of the american whites against anyone who is not of that mongrel tribe, wanting to keep them out of this country, but yet let's eat tacos and drink shots of tequila and pretend for just one moment that we are cartoon Mexicans, like Speedy Gonzales or, God help us, the Frito bandito (remember that racist shit?)  only in america can a culture be appropriated and its people be villainized all in one fell swoop on one day in May. 

yeah, i judge.  and i don't want to, but i do.  because it makes me want to not bother with the world, not bother with people.  and i have to get past and over that, because that kind of thinking really is not healthy for me. 

so.  Friday was an easy day.  nothing too out of the ordinary.  work was typical, i'm still dealing with patience in the car resolution, counseling was productive.  i had a plan for yesterday, Saturday, and i got parts of it done, but i'm still not motivated toward a block of creativity.  i am writing on my book, though, and i am listening more to what is being said around me, because a lot of that is material for either this story or the next one.  i've seen my parents and will see them again today as we're having dinner at their house.  today is Rachel's and TF's birthday, and they both should have gotten the cards i sent them.  i know Rachel did, anyway. 

I'm tired but i have to get up now.  need a shower and shave, have to get my car loaded after i make sure i've gathered everything i need for our dinner tonight.  i feel okay otherwise.  i thank my heavenly Father for the blessing of another day of life. 

Will Get It In

Its almost 6pm. Its been an okay day. I have to get some exercise in, and i will. At the moment i'm grilling chicken and steak. My stove only partially works, but its 80something degrees out here. Why NOT get that first grill done?

I visited Syd and the grandchild today. It is something, i admit, to have him smile when he sees me. We seem to bond well. He is a busy guy, and he is very observant as well. Syd made coffee and we watched some TV. I went to the Iron Skillet for lunch and actually ate responsibly. Always a good thing.

The Girard prom thing is cancelled, which is okay. I keep wanting to let my mind chase a 'fix' for the car situation, but my spirit keeps making me wait. I am in prayer and ready to MOVE when the path is clear.

I'm very grateful for this day, blessed in abundance and thankful to my God for a day and a moment of peace.

The Dining Room

Better Day

Probably should have written this last night, but i didn't.  should have done several things, but beginnings can be as traumatic as endings, in their own way.  some know what i'm talking about.  don't care one way or the other, for real. 

i thought about a lot yesterday, as indicated by the Journey entry from then.  Last day in April.  another year older and deeper in debt, to paraphrase.  and i knew i had a choice.  stated, not to be reiterated. 

i've chosen to live, i believe. 

i don't mind self-disgust.  if you can't be disgusted by your own selfish, self-serving and self-destructive actions, you're either enjoying them or you're mining a profit of some sort from them.  i am not feeling that kind of shit right now.  so i decided it was time to do some things differently.  thing is, it never requires all that much.  move, for God's sake.  just move.  what's sitting in front of you?  deal with it.  what's that over in the peripheral?  if it's not right in front of you, it doesn't matter at the moment.  deal with what's in front, then deal with the shit on the side if you can.  MOVE.  should be an acronym for something.  Momentum Overcomes Valueless Expressions, or something like that.  anyway...

so, yesterday i went to work.  i got in and got it started.  i did NOT go to any fast food place for breakfast, though i heard the voice telling me to.  nor did i go to a gas station to buy fast food breakfast on a heating rack.  i got the first part of my run out of the way.  then i made my way to my parent's house. 

i had a plan to walk.  half hour, fifteen minutes one way, fifteen minutes back.  damn the miles, just walk the time.  on my way to the folk's house, my car went down.  reminiscent of when the wheel mount broke last year.  but it was something in the engine mount, and the hood popped up, and it wasn't going nowhere.  stopped it right at the intersection, called triple A for a tow, let my mom know i would be delayed, had the car towed to my house and got my brother to take me to my parent's house.  cooked dinner for them for that day, and perhaps the next, and had lunch while i was there.  protein and vegetable.  then i got to work in enough time TO TAKE MY WALK.  of course, i thought about not.  good excuse.  but that's how demons operate.  shake the resolve; dying is preferable when there's a good reason to do it slow.  i chose to live, if possible.  so i walked.  HARD.  been so inactive.  had to sit at the apex of the walk, for a minute.  breathing hard, sweating hard.  but i did it. 

finished the work day.  came home, had the last of the leftover pizza.  no problem acknowledging that.  i have nothing here to make a responsible meal, so i ate what i had on hand and will hit a store today.  other issues as well. have to see what's what with the stove, since Lonnie cleaned it out.  went to make breakfast today but it wasn't lighting.  i'll check it when i get home.  then, i have to look into a car.  thinking about a lease, but i have to call my credit union, see where i stand. 

best thing is, when the decision was made, i felt good about it.  through everything happening yesterday, there was no panic, no sense of doom and gloom, no screaming or cursing or feeling like the world was just a shit place.  it was stuff to deal with. it IS stuff to deal with. i'm going to deal with it. 

today i have to get cards for TF and Rachel, who have birthdays coming up.  going to see Syd and Timothy.  have chicken marinating, but i have to find a way to cook it.  might be the first grill of the year for me.  that would be nice. 

i am grateful today.  i have to walk today as well.  i know that Jehovah has blessed me, and i feel His strength and I want to be true to it, not undermine it and then cry that i feel weak.  gotta go now.