the drag of the day

what a strange little face.  he looks like he knows a bunch of shit and is just figuring out how to dumb it all down so we stupid adults can get on his level.  always did love that about babies.

you know, TOTI, the Tim on the inside, is pretty miserable these days.  but why? 

yes, there's the year come round, the loneliness, the phone that never rings except for collections.  there's the empty house, the old and worn decor, the feeling of being a ghost trespassing where the real ghosts live.  there's still the truly unnerving feeling of this being me watching my life flashing before my eyes as i am currently dying.  that is the one that gets me the most.

but why the heavy duty depression?

it's summer.  i've done practically nothing.  i've watched my activity dwindle back to complete isolation.  i don't grill, i don't make soup, i don't go to the gym.  i work; i'm pretty faithful about that.  but aren't i always good at being there for other people?  i come home, i eat, i lay in this bed and play games or reblog pictures, whatever gets me closest to passing out for another day.

i pray, i read, i take my medicines.  i look at the huge amount of gabapentin i have and i think.  and i push the thought back down in its container and shove it back into the back of the closet. 

i'm not writing.  i need to work out these lyrics to this song i wrote, but i somehow refuse to.  i don't draw.  i just work and eat and sleep.  and sometimes i feel really, REALLY sad.  and i push that to the back of the closet too. 

why am i feeling this way? 

how acute can Rachel not being here really be after a year.  an immovable object vs an irresistible force.  if she really wanted to be here, she would be.  if i really wanted her here, she would be.  we are where we are supposed to be.  granted, in the big and small picture. 

the aloneness, grieving parenthood prime ending, grieving my child growing up, grieving how my friends have all gone on with the world.  sure, i am. 

then there's the world itself.

nothing makes sense anymore.  people place money over dignity, over honor, over self-respect.  people believe whatever lie makes them the most horny.  people disregard laws and structure just because they haven't gotten caught doing so...yet.  everyone seems to be smoking weed, yet we complain because another culture is doing the work we're either too stoned or too lazy and egotistical to do.  we are watching the butchering of black men, but sports are more important than black lives, so do they really matter?  everything is artificial, everything is bullshit and we've got a liar and treasonist for president and this after white america spent 8 years calling Barack Obama everything but a child of God. 

i can't turn it off anymore, can't tune it out.  my filters are all fried, and it's like just about every visual and audio top-level stimuli comes right into my head, 24/7.  that's got a lot to do with it too. 

you know, i do the regular every day.  even when i was out of town, i prayed, i read, and i took my meds. 

but there's got to be something, something that i can unearth so i can look at it and dispose of it properly.  meantime, just stay on auto pilot and try to get over a body of water, i guess.  i'll be okay. 

thank you, Father, for getting me out the house earlier.