stressing...

this is getting to be a bit much.  i don't know what the fuck is going on, if its me or everyone else, but i know i'm sick of it either way.  i've already stated that i know everyone else can't be the problem and therefore it must exist within me, but that don't mean i instantly understand all this bizarre shit going on.

i'm at home at the moment.  i had to come home, having had to cancel a doctor's appointment.  i didn't get out to see Syd and LZ, i didn't get out of work on time because someone is riding with me, learning my route for when they have to take over, and it's not easy.  still, i could use some regular shit, some normalcy coming down this path for a moment or two. 

as it stands, the day began well enough.  i got up with the alarm, i got my meds in me and a light breakfast, got my books read, got dressed and out the door.  at work i had a rider today because i'll be out thursday and friday, so someone has to drive my route.  that didn't impact all that much in the morning but it was so slow in the afternoon.  and it was hot, hot as hell.  and i went to see my parents between runs and my mom was still in some weird space, and trying to figure out what's going on is senseless when everyone says, 'i'm okay.'

i'm waiting to see if Lonnie can bring me a bar of chocolate for my chili for tomorrow, and if he can't i'll go with plan B.  i wish it would rain, open up and just pour liquid hell for about 36 hours, and then it'd be cool and everyone will chill out.

my mother seems to be of the impression that unless i come by every day that i'm not there at all.  i can't do anything about that, because that's not the itinerary.  my dad doesn't seem to much care, but i'm sure it's because he has his autonomy when i don't impose on his regimen. 

spending time with De'ja was good.  having someone to talk to, even for the limited time and receptiveness that they could engender, was good too.  seeing the city i once loved turned more into s fucking strip mall was not good.  i didn't go by the old houses, didn't ride the old streets.  i went to see YW because i didn't want to hear her mouth and i didn't really want to speak to her on the phone.  i'm tired of being the sounding board, tired of arguing my emotions with people who are in denial about theirs.  i'm weary. 

i have to call my urologist tomorrow and make sure this thing is going to be doable on Thursday, as i'm only going to be stopping my Xarelto tomorrow.  don't know if that's enough time for the clotting to be restored.  but i want the biopsy done.  i want to get all this over with.  and i want to get my life back on track again.  we'll see how it turns out.  meanwhile, i need to get ready for tomorrow, and i need to log my food intake at the Dining Room.  so, thank you, Jehovah, for a day of work and a day of thoughtfulness.