didn't start out that way, but it works out and who am i to look a gift horse in the mouth?
it will kill the hours that i stayed on Monday, but it will also mean i lose no regular time. and you have to find the right perspective in things, that's what mental health is about.
so i didn't write yesterday, and i'm not sure if i wrote Tuesday. but i'm not going to go all the way back. i'm starting from what comes to mind now, as i have to get ready for work this Thursday morning.
i know yesterday was a good day. from the runs at work to finding out my route is about to increase in size again, which will mean more time, more hours, more pay. from the meeting, which was on our 9th tradition of non-organization and the need for structure, and the privilege of bringing cheap pizzas to the meeting for anyone who might be hungry. from finishing the day to having an attitude sitting at the One Health medical center and being called last from the waiting room, after people who came in after me, and finding some respite from the attitude.
as well, i filled out their questionnaire, honestly stating about the severity of my depression lately, and no one asked me anything, which i found unusual, except that i'm likely on record as refusing help previously. it's good to extrapolate from time to time.
i have been eating, i've been sleeping, i have a bit of a flare up in my left foot this morning but i'm walking okay. the gabapentin i took last night was a mega-dose by my doctor's suggestion, and it knocked me on my ass. i have no doubt this is abusable stuff. keep thinking about all the inmates at CCA who have scripts for this stuff, and the way the admin have to know they're getting high on it. its easy to see the people in the system there have very little chance of finding recovery when they're already getting high from jump in the halfway house.
regardless...
tomorrow i'll be off. i have another doctor appointment tomorrow, and i am going to go to it. i was given the day off, and i'm taking it. i've been very regular at work, i don't believe in missing work anymore. and it's much easier when it's something you enjoy doing, i can freely admit that. i like driving, but i love aiding. i get up, as today, and though i'm sleepy, residually from the gabapentin still in my system, i am ready to start my day. i can't recall the last time that's been the case with my employment. of course, not being employed for so long is part of that, but my work last year did not make me feel that i had to be there no matter what. it's a nice feeling.
i've prayed today, taken my medicines, read my scriptures and my meditation books. i'm almost dressed and i'm about to roll out. i am thankful, my mind seems to be letting some of this darkness go. i'm looking forward to my day off, to a three day weekend apropos of nothing at all. thank you, Jehovah, for the provisions.
the Dining Room
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