...On the Verge

...factually, this has been the most stressful day up til now this year.  and this has been, all in all, a year of stressful days.  but today has topped them with chocolate syrup and whipped cream, and i don't really want the cherry on this sundae. 

it started well enough.  wake and do the waking things, even some breakfast because why not?  the readings were cool, didn't put a bunch of work into wardrobe, recycled clothes for comfort.  it was the change day; new route while my custom route went to a new hire driver.  there were epiphanic things in play, but i didn't know that until the route began.

got to work early, as usual, and was told that Jen, my boss, would be riding with me today.  i can tell you now, i was being egotistical, and that may very well have been part of the day's unfolding.  i did my pre-trip inspection, found the pill pictured up top, and took two pictures of it, trying to identify it.  soon enough, i gave up on identifying it and put it in my breast pocket til later in the day.  remember that.

so, the run.  it was in Newton Falls, mostly.  pretty far distance away.  and the first epiphany revealed itself.  it was the first run i'd ever been on in this company, way back in January, when no one wanted me to ride with them, but Merrie, the first driver i was with and who didn't mind me being there, had the route taken from her that very day.  i ended up with Da Boss then, but that's a different story for a different time.  we get out there, start picking up clients, and by the second pick-up...

a quick aside, the 2nd epiphany.  a driver, Monica, who i am fond of, was fired on Monday.  the story goes, some MONTHS ago, she hit something, a mail box i believe the story goes.  she reported it, and was told to file an incident report, which she did.  MONTHS later (like last week), local management is told by corporate that she did not get a drug test done, which is mandatory when you hit something, apparently.  no one told Monica that was a requirement, and i understand that.  if you haven't damaged a vehicle and you haven't hit another car, a drug test seems very overkill.  but this was a way for them to get rid of Monica, hence all the route changes in my life.  what makes it epiphanic, or even ironic?  she was fired because she hit something and didn't get a drug test, or so goes the rumour, she took over Merrie's route, who was fired for something else, the route that I STARTED OUT ON, and i was going to be driving her bus. 

needless to say, back to the linear iteration.  i scraped a pole.  i'd say hit, but i think that's a bit of an exaggeration.  while i was backing to leave a driveway, it felt like something was caught n the bus and we almost spun out as i was leaving this particular driveway.  thought not much of it, because there was no collision impact.  finished the pick-ups i had, got them to their workshops, and was on the last drop off when Jen got a call from the office, got off the bus to talk to me and tell me that the 2nd in command had got a call that i'd hit a pole at a specific client's home.  we both looked and she took a picture.  there was a scrape on the low back right corner of the bus, a reflecting sticker that was half gone, and two small chunks of wood in the framework of the bus.  and just like that, my day was shit.

i can't say i was actually scared.  i wasn't, but i was apprehensive as fuck.  i'd not hit anything at all up to that point.  i was very careful, to the point of obsessive with that.  i had hit something with the boss on the bus.  i was going to have to jump through the hoops to make sure i left nothing undone.  i was now on the block to be fired.  these were some of the thoughts that raced through my being during this.  i could''t even park the bus properly when we returned to the depot. 

i filled out my accident and incident reports, and i went to Austintown to get a drug test performed.  i went to lunch with Lonnie, got back to work and finished the day.  i was still self-conscious, but i got through it.  and i am worn out. 

i prayed about the new route before i went to work.  i think, this is my spiritual perspective now, i had gotten too comfortable, too cocky.  i believe i was in need of grounding, and i think this has grounded me.  and i am grateful, as no one was hurt and there was no huge damage done.  still, i felt bad and will need to remember that i'm not so special that i can't make mistakes.  it happens.  and i am now appreciative of the lesson the day contained. 

the pill? it is something prescribed, apparently, for symptoms of herpes. 

thank you, Father. 

Been A Minute, I Know...

...thing is, i don't exactly know why.  time tends to get away from me.  it's not even the depression right now, as the worst seems to have abated and i am kind of cruising on intent right now.  but i am looking at 4 days without logging, which indicates a bit of auto-pilot.  and i've been trying to DO better, which may have something to do with it.

anyway, i try to stay in the same place as far as my morning ritual; prayer, coffee and water, medicine, books.  i'm not going to continue to repeat that.  i want to simplify my logging to an extent, so that i can get to the essence of what the day is or has been.  and i'm going to try to capture some things from the past several days, to bring things up to speed, here and at the Dining Room.

so, the weekend.  i did some cleaning on the 2nd floor, but very little on the first floor.  i did work on music, but i didn't get to my story, but that is going to happen.  the weather has changed, it is hot again.  i didn't get around people much over the weekend, choosing to stay home instead.  just to give myself some me time.  i watched some television, some Hulu.  i decided it was time to start working on my meals, on the way i'm eating.  so on Monday i had a breakfast that was much more proportional to what my activities would be, which have been minimal, and my lunch was very good.  left room for some give for dinner (more on that at the DR).  same with yesterday, though i did better for dinner yesterday than Monday. 

today i'm going to grab some gym clothes, try to force myself to go to the gym with the Boss.  it may happen, it may not, but i've got to start moving my body.  i'm up quite a bit, shows in my clothes, in my face.  i've got to get back to being physical.  with the biopsy coming up, i'm afraid a lot of my impetus has bled away, fearing perhaps the worst and figuring what difference does it make?  but that's playing god, and that's not ever a good thing for an ego like mine. 

at work, i'm changing routes, because someone was unjustly fired, because local management does not have the temerity to stand for us and thus corporate does what they want to do.  it will have bad repercussions, but that has nothing to do with me.  i am getting a new driver ready to take my short route and am being offered a route in Newton Falls, that was the terminated driver's route.  personally, i hope she comes back, gets her old route back, i'll leave the other driver with my route and go back to being an aide.  that's the ideal for me, so it won't happen, but may as well wish, i believe. 

anyway, that's the deal at the moment.  i'm up, i'm about to get dressed, i got some work to do today, and i'm ready to do it.  shaved and showered, debating on breakfast.  blessed, but i always am up until now.  Thank you, Father. 

2330, Things to Do

yes, there is a point to this, though i'm not sure what it is yet.  this is my grandchild with both his parents.  it's not something that i expect a lot of, though it should be this way, surely.  but life doesn't always give us what should be.  we don't always allow life to give this to us, either.  sometimes, we take what we have, what grows in our dark places, we cultivate that negativity until it is bloated, fat and poisonous, ripe for picking, and this is what we give ourselves, what we cherish the most.  and i pray, in sincerity, that Sydney and Joe choose different for themselves.  there are more than enough unhappy people in the world. 

it's going on midnight, Friday, August 24th.  i could be sleeping, i could have knocked myself out.  but i napped, i am awake and about to work.  and that's cool.  because it's unusual.  it's not my norm, not of late.  and thus, i'm going to act on what i am feeling now.  part of that is getting this Journey logged.

today was stressful.  but it was okay.  i got up and out okay.  i got through the runs okay.  seeing my mom was cool, having lunch with Lonnie was cool, and counseling with VF was cool.  but the stress was there.  i woke with it, i went to bed with it and i haven't let it go yet.  and it has to do with a client, who is a troubled young man, possibly psychotic, definitely developmentally disabled, and very likely in need of a help he won't get.  it's been quite a while since i have had someone that i feel i should help, but have no idea how. 

i remember when i was still very fresh in recovery.  i mean, maybe in my first year.  my cousin, Vanessa, was an alcoholic.  i don't know if she still is; hell, i don't even know if she's still alive.  but then, she was an alcoholic.  she was one of my drinking partners, before cocaine closed off those corridors for me.  anyway, my friends Mike and Karl called me and said she was in trouble, that she needed help.  i wasn't quite the SUPERHERO i thought i was when i went charging down to Lisbon to try to 'save' Mark and almost ended up relapsing.  but i was still a young, stubborn idiot who didn't listen well and always thought i knew more than i did.  so i called Johnny, my sponsor, when i got to her house, had my friends bail on me and watch this woman out of her head in DT's, hallucinating, tripping badly, and knew i was in over my head.  my sponsor told me to call the paramedics while i was still there, have them come and get her and take her to the hospital, because if i left without calling them, she wouldn't open her door for them.  i couldn't do it.  i couldn't call to have my cousin wrapped in a straight jacket, taken to a psych ward.  so i sat with her...alllll night.  sat and took on her insanity, took it on until i could feel the bugs and hear the voices she was talking about.  i elicited a promise, once the sun rose, to get her to a meeting, and i went home, cleaned up, went back...and of course she didn't open the door.  and of course it was too late for me to call the paramedics, because she wasn't going to open the door for them either.  i went to the meeting we were both supposed to go to, and i cried while two of my friends held me, not just from the frustration, but from the insanity i had taken on that was still all over and in and through me, and i had to get it out.  i know my cousin did go back into treatment at some point after that, but that's all i know about her, as we've not kept in touch over the years. 

this is not the same thing.

in this day, what i saw was a young man struggling to be okay, and losing.  losing because something is eroding inside of him, but in such a way that he's not really going to get the help he needs.  eroding in his mind, and his mind wasn't really on a solid foundation to begin with.  he runs the gamut between his cat, who at one time is a lovable beast and at other times speaks to him, the snakes in his toilet, two of which had to be replaced, which he'll say were broken but not that he broke them.  he speaks of both God and the devil, and that makes me think there is more than psychological stuff going on.  he speaks of an abundance of restaurants he enjoys eating in, but in the next round of conversation every place is 'too expensive', cost too much and he'll never eat there again.  when he speaks, strangely, i think i'm listening to an old man, which gives me an idea of who is 'speaking through him'.  but.
but.
but.
but he is the edge that my bus is on.  he is the one who thinks all the attention should be his.  he is the one that is most needy, most angry.  he has thrown temper tantrums twice in my presence.  i am not inclined to patience with bad behavior, but i am on the job and there are expectations of me.  so i have to change things for the other clients, things that they don't really need to have changed, trying to keep this one client from 'losing it', though he's going to lose it anyway. 

this isn't the usual entry, but it's necessary.  i'm going to spend some time over this weekend thinking and praying on this, and trying to find some answers, if they are given to me.  but, it wasn't a bad day regardless. it was just...a day on the edge of thoughts i have to think.  i am grateful for a mind that works, for friendship and family, and for the ending of the day which has now taken place, as i listen to an Oprah Winfrey the Boss gave me to listen to and the time is 12:08 in the a.m.  Thank you, Father. 

Stressin...

...the eyes get worse, increase the font size and the page zoom, and it's like we're not an old man...kinda.

sorry about yesterday.  i ran a double run in the morning, took more out of me than i expected, and i had my meeting and the end of the work day and i was up early so i was beat up and  down when i got home from work.  i ate and laid it down involuntarily i think, and i slept until one in the morning...

when i woke up and couldn't get back to sleep.  so i am getting this started now, and i'm going to keep my ass up a bit longer so i can sleep with some authority tonight.

no recap.  today i was up too early, tried to go back to sleep but that didn't happen.  so i got up about 3, said my prayer, got into the kitchen and had breakfast and medicine and meditations and scriptures before 4am, and i got myself dressed and ready and was out the door by my normal time.  i got to work a bit early but not as much as on Tuesday, and Darlene was already there so i went in, got my paperwork and my keys and i got my pre-trip done.  no extra-runs today.  i worked on a bassline that i'd been wanting to get done this morning before i left as well, just want to include that as i'm working on some music when i'm done with this and the Dining Room.  speaking of which, my uncle Kenny got me new kitchen chairs and a new dining room table, courtesy of his auction and i am blessed abundantly by his kindness and love, thank you Jehovah.

so, the route.  early was easy, but one client, the one who's been rather troublesome lately, got on agitated and remained that way.  it's not hard to tell when he is:  he held poor A hostage with an unbroken litany of questions, and A is a pretty reserved guy, answers when questioned and tends to just watch the scenery pass.  C, the troubled one, is not.  but there is so much i don't know about him, though there's quite a bit that i do as well.  anyway, made my pick-ups and C was agitated, and T, my client in a wheelchair, was in some trepidation about picking him up, which was unusual for me.  but i remained cool about it.

well.  after the morning runs, i went to my parent's house, took the briefest of naps, took a meat loaf my mom felt was far from good and transformed it into a pot of chili.  she didn't want me to buy the groceries to make the chili but i told her they were currently struggling possibly more than i am, which is ironic, and that i was not going to spend a ton of money for that privilege, just 5 bucks or less, which i did.  two cans of chili beans, a can of kidney beans, a can of crushed red tomatoes, a box of Jiffy corn bread mix and a dozen eggs, came to 4 and some change.  not bad.  i went back, made chili, saw my niece Donna and her youngest child and i went to grab myself some lunch.  then back to work.

the afternoon runs.  what a difference a couple hours makes.  or not.  as i said, C has been winding up all week.  he's been more erratic in his conversation, more needy, more yelling/screaming than singing.  he's been overtalking my conversations with anyone else.  i have so many theories about this, but theories don't change situations.  today he went off, again, and this time i can say with assurance i did nothing to provoke him, though i'm now certain i didn't last time either.  he is terrorizing his family as well, and has been for days and days, so i'm sure it wasn't me.  but in the end, another incident report, another call to his SSA, and more meds.  and that sucks.  because though it does no good, my theory is based on observation and intake of the data C constantly expresses.  i think he has some damage between himself and his father, that he desires his father's approval if he can get it, his attention if he can't, and on that note he's winning but he has no boundaries.  he is not attention deficit; i don't believe he is. i believe he is getting for him a deficit of attention, and i believe he has crossed the border between being a spoiled fucking brat to being sociopathic, if the autistic can ever be truly labeled as such.  regardless, he is a treat, to myself, to the other clients.  and i'm sure they're going to end up having to lock him away again, which makes me sad in a way.  i just want him to settle back down.

anyway, the itinerary for now:  write this, work on music, possibly work on my new story today, if not, in the a.m., make my dinner, take my shower and shut it down.  i am grateful, i have done the right thing according to my office and C's dad, and i am going to keep him in my prayers.  thank you Jehovah, for a day coming to its close. 

Growth

nope, no attempt at faux gangster status, no braggadocio, no attempt to seduce someone into an ongoing and fruitless chain meme or email. 

this is $700 from my bank, now reduced to a five dollar bill, which was change for the repairs that were done to my car.  it is something.  it felt like something in my hand.  it felt like, FUCK THAT CAR, just take the money and go do something YOU WANT TO DO.  it felt that way for about 20 seconds.  i can admit that. 

thing is, this picture represents something to me, something that may not come again, something that may not last, but right now, i'm good with it. 

i'll get to it at the end.

so i got up this morning, groggy groggy.  i think it's the weather, this rain and shit is good for keeping me sluggish.  but i got up.  i said my prayer, i got out of the bed and got it started.  my ankle was hurting just as bad as it had been the day before so i was moving slowly and stiffly, and i only did the essentials.  except for breakfast, where i was a bit indulgent.  but i got medicine taken and books and scripture read, and i did eat and i did get dishes washed and was ready to roll.  i got to work, got my pre-trip done, got my paperwork together and got it moving. 

it has been a rainy day, off and on.  when i picked up my first client, who is wheelchair-bound, it was pouring and the experience was miserable for myself, for him and his mother, who brought him to the conveyance.  it took longer than usual, as his chair was not functioning properly and we were both good and soaked by the time it was over.  then the rain practically stopped.  i love the humour of nature. 

the other pick-up was fine, i got them there on time, my third guy was sick again.  i got back to the shop, got to my parent's house from there and passed out.  i woke up to return a call that had come from the shop that had my car, telling me it was ready.  i thanked them, contacted my brother for a ride there but he was hustling, so i asked my dad if he'd drop me there, which he did.  the total was $695 and change but he was gracious enough to just give me a $5 back.  amazing, anyway.  the car sounds like new.  some kind of strange knocking from beneath the dash board that wasn't there before, and if it persists i'll inform the shop.  but it got me back to work to finish the day.  it was nice spending time with my mom and dad for the past couple days and i thanked them both for helping me get things together. 

the end of the day went smoother than the beginning other than some kind of parking thing going on at Purple Cat, which may or may not be a real thing.  but we got loaded, got the 3rd from the one down the hill, i got them home and got back to the shop to find i have an extra assignment tomorrow.  no big deal. 

i've scheduled a payment for next month for King Size, as i forgot to make my payment and found they offered that as an option, though not one, perhaps, if you're slightly in the red already.  but i'll talk to them and let them know.  i had dinner, i have showered and shaved, i'm about to put clothes away and get my clothes out for tomorrow, and i'm going to take my night meds and shut it down. 

i haven't forgotten.

here's the thing.  my car's ball joint fell apart, and the control arm gave up the ghost.  fixing those things eliminated the clatter and whining and squealing the car had been making, which means they were bad the whole time i've been driving that car.  and i've driven it with my grandson in the car, and i've driven it to Columbus and back at higher speeds.  what if it had given out in either of those scenarios?  second thing is, i took the route that took me past my parent's house, and the car gave it up about six houses down the street from them.  i drove it on three wheels, with those breaks having happened, which shredded a wire panel in the front of the car, that had my emergency lights not working and one flasher stuck on, not even flashing.  but it got me to the church, across the street from their house, where i brought in my clothes to wash, asked my mom to borrow her car, and got out the door.  i wasn't even late for work that day. 

biggest thing, maybe, maybe not, is this:  I HAD THE MONEY. 
that money represents my saving, my not spending, my IN-come.  from work, from whatever.  i had the money to get my car fixed.  and that is by God's grace, because i have forever had to go to someone to get things done, the major shit anyway.  i considered it an honor to be able to make that payment, and i'm going to feel sad anytime a substantial amount just flies away from me.  but at the same time, i'm going to thank Jehovah for the provisions.  i am truly grateful.  and i've got a couple bucks left over too. 

so, enough for today, thank you Father, and i'm done. 

Stuff and Thangs

...wish i'd had a better phone.  this is a picture i got this morning of the sun.  the haze was so thick over route 82 that the morning sun was a blood ball in the middle of the sky, like a red moon.  it was marvelous to behold, and i'll likely edit the shot to restore the color to it.  that was the high point of the day.

the low part was coming to work.  not the job itself. 

there are moments, if you have even the slightest awareness, you know God is doing for you what you simply can't do for yourself, protects you because you're a baby or a fool.  you just know.  even if you're an avowed atheist or agnostic, you know it's beyond human power and/or comprehension to achieve the results you just got. 

that was this morning for me.  i got up, got dressed, gathered clothes, did a bit of writing, took my meds and read my stuff and got things gathered and prepared to head to work.  McGuffey is dug up so they are planning to resurface it correctly, but for now it is rough driving.  got through that though.  made it all the way to Goldie Road.  hit a small pothole, not deep at all, and next thing i know, BOOOOMP!! the car slouches like it had a stroke. 

i thought it was a blowout at first, hearing the car scraping the ground.  but no, something under the car broke, something i should have gotten checked out quite some time ago.  owning it.  i couldn't leave it in the street, so i had to slow drive it to the church lot across from my parent's house, since i had to go there anyway.  i took in a bag of dirty clothes, put them out the way and asked my mother to borrow her car. she said yes, and i made it to work on time. 

one client was a call off so the morning was sort of short.  i got the run done, went to my parent's house, called AAA, after i'd taken it to a shop my father suggested, and i arranged for the towing to the shop.  i washed and dried my clothes, made my mom and dad an omelet and grits, made a beef roast with cubed potatoes for their dinner, made myself a hamburger and had it with a bowl of applesauce.  i changed a basement fluorescent light for my father.  then i went back to work. 

i finished the day well enough, and came home.  i ate, worked on some music, had some dessert and am now laying in bed.  i think about what would have happened had i been on the highway when that ball joint and control arm went.  could have happened.  i think about how i need to be grateful for real.  could have been much worse, and wouldn't have been as bad if i'd dealt with the issue before.  but i know it is grace, i know i have been blessed and i am acknowledging that here and now.  but i'm getting tired, so i'm going to get it gone, and say Thank You to Jehovah for a pleasant learning day. 

Back To It (i suppose...)

it's funny how a song can bring the tears, regardless of your healing time, when it's the right song, and how a baby's crying can make you question your competence in every single aspect of life.  it's funny, and it's interesting and a bit sad, but it's life, isn't it?  go where we go, do what we do and if the creek don't rise (God willing) we get up and do it again tomorrow.

so, today.  well, i still didn't sleep in, so there's that.  i woke at 330, seems to be the new normal.  i did lay about for a bit, but not for very long.  i'd decided not to do the meeting today, as my child and her family were coming by for dinner.  so i got up eventually and i said my prayer and i took my medicines and read my books and i started the process. 

i had some breakfast, started pulling some things from the fridge and made a shopping list.  i went to Hubbard to the Sav-a-Lot because i didn't want to ride to Liberty.  i got gas while i was there, got the few things i needed from the store and came home.  i listened to the rattling my car does and made a fresh and useless resolve to find a mechanic (useless because it's not a real resolve until the car's at the shop, getting 'resolved'). i got back home, prepped and cooked and cleaned as i went along, listening to music. i got my dinner done, the kids came by and i played with LZ and fed him while they ate.  i fixed my plate after they were done, ate and put the baby to sleep.  he is perceptive though; by which i mean, he does what his mother used to do, watches things going on that adults are not able to perceive.  something woke him from his sleep, in any event, and it wasn't pleasant because he was crying after that.  he would not be consoled, and so the visit was over.  i 'gave' Syd a couple bucks for gas and they were gone. 

i did a bit of writing today, didn't work on the music though.  i have put all the food away, washed the dishes, coffee is ready to be heated in the morning.  Mrs Maher texted me that Alex is not riding tomorrow, which is cool.  i've talked to Lonnie and to De'ja, and i am now ready to shut it down for the night, having taken a massive-dose gabapentin for this flare up in my left ankle.  3 days off and no pain until just before i go back to work.  but i am supplied with what i need. 

i have made all i could out of my time off, i'm ready to get back to work, and i'm grateful to Jehovah for the blessing of today. 

today, yesterday...tomorrow?

so, it's saturday evening.  i'm recapping from two days, don't know exactly what happened yesterday, aside from being sort of put out by my doctor visit.  but that's neither here nor there, lots of excuses but no reasons, you know?

so, yesterday i was off work, and it was nice.  but i forgot to turn off my alarm so i was still up at 4am.  didn't matter, lazing around is never a bad thing when you can.  i got up eventually, had my breakfast and moved as much as i had to.  i had counseling still, so after my meds and readings and prayer i got dressed and made my way to my parent's house.  i went to the store first, got paper towels and trash bags, got my mom some decaf coffee and some liquid creamer.  i made her a pot of coffee, talked some politics with my dad and then went to counseling.  it was a good session, but something about being in VF's office relaxes me to pieces.  i was nodding to beat the band.  after that, i went to Scenna's where Lonnie, Joshua and I had lunch.  i worry about Joshua, having my own thoughts about his state of existence these days, but it's not my business and no one has asked me what i think. 

after that, i was very tired, so i came home, think i took a bit of a nap.  then i cleaned the surfaces in my bathroom and my kitchen, and i made myself some dinner later in the day.  SH came by and we did her 3rd step.  she did a good job on it, and i'm glad, and hopes she continues forward, but that's in her God's hands now.  she has a lot to offer the program, to offer those looking for a good heart and a sharp mind too.  but she has to clear out the closets of her soul.  it's not easy to want to do that.

after she left, i started shutting it down.  not easy as i had a late cup of coffee, but i got there, and i woke to today.  at some point during the night my dad called about the toilet being clogged.  he called back to say he had it unclogged, but i didn't listen to either message til morning.  i made a decision not to, to stay in bed,to lay still and be cool.  in the morning, i said my prayer, put on coffee and went north.  got to my parent's house, brought the paper in, turned on the coffee pot, saw the toilet was no longer clogged and kept it moving.  i went to wal-mart for some things i needed.  came home, had my own coffee and my medicine and readings, and i had breakfast.  i slowly worked on my song, on my cleaning.  i didn't rush anything; enjoying my time off seemed more important. 

i did make a soup, i got a drum track i am happy with and a bass line for the verses done, but i need one for the bridge that is eluding me at the moment.  Syd and Joe and LZ came by, and i spent time with them, playing with the baby and feeding him and putting him to sleep.  i had soup for dinner, am now laying in bed and i feel pretty good, not sorry to say.  i imagine i'll go to the meeting tomorrow, should i awaken, but i haven't made up my mind yet.  i only know i'm going to thank Jehovah for a good day today, and keep moving toward whatever comes after this particular moment in my history.  i'm done. 

fucking hornets...

well.  it's going on 9pm.  i don't have to work tomorrow.  so let me get this logged, and then it's off to dreamland, perchance to dream.  it would be nice, admittedly.

first of all, it wasn't a bad day, but i got stung by a hornet.  i knew it was a hornet when it crawled up me, and i should have just killed the fucker on sight, but i'm still trying to be a bit more compassionate to all life, being that i wouldn't want to be snuffed out due to my inconvenience to someone else's leisure time.  but this thing crawled up my leg, into my shirt, got scared and stung me on my torso, and it hurt like a motherfucker and still does to a degree.  life in the fast lane.  it made its way to my hat, where the ladies in the office knocked it and my hat off my head and executed it with prejudice.  and that was that for that insect.

today i prayed and read and medicated and got to work.  i drove my route.  i was informed that we'd have new clients on my route early as next week, so i took time during the split to drive and check out the new addresses and find the Purple Cat in Austintown.  it may not happen; it's so spread out it would mean changing everything, and some parents just aren't going to be happy with having their child's home time drastically revised.  but that's next week's worry now.  this week's worry is done, and tomorrow is an off day.  i'm going to clean and i'm going to counseling and a doctor's appointment.  i'm going to get some needed things, pay a couple bills and work on my book and my music.  i'm going to keep trying to extract my head from my ass, in other words.  and i'm grateful for the chance to do so. 

i feel some better still.  i am blessed that this is the truth.  and i thank my Father for the changes taking place.  that is all for now.

Mental Health Day, scheduled

Thursday.  last day of the week for me, huzzah!
didn't start out that way, but it works out and who am i to look a gift horse in the mouth?
it will kill the hours that i stayed on Monday, but it will also mean i lose no regular time.  and you have to find the right perspective in things, that's what mental health is about.
so i didn't write yesterday, and i'm not sure if i wrote Tuesday.  but i'm not going to go all the way back.  i'm starting from what comes to mind now, as i have to get ready for work this Thursday morning.

i know yesterday was a good day.  from the runs at work to finding out my route is about to increase in size again, which will mean more time, more hours, more pay.  from the meeting, which was on our 9th tradition of non-organization and the need for structure, and the privilege of bringing cheap pizzas to the meeting for anyone who might be hungry.  from finishing the day to having an attitude sitting at the One Health medical center and being called last from the waiting room, after people who came in after me, and finding some respite from the attitude. 
as well, i filled out their questionnaire, honestly stating about the severity of my depression lately, and no one asked me anything, which i found unusual, except that i'm likely on record as refusing help previously.  it's good to extrapolate from time to time.
i have been eating, i've been sleeping, i have a bit of a flare up in my left foot this morning but i'm walking okay.  the gabapentin i took last night was a mega-dose by my doctor's suggestion, and it knocked me on my ass.  i have no doubt this is abusable stuff.  keep thinking about all the inmates at CCA who have scripts for this stuff, and the way the admin have to know they're getting high on it.  its easy to see the people in the system there have very little chance of finding recovery when they're already getting high from jump in the halfway house.

regardless...

tomorrow i'll be off.  i have another doctor appointment tomorrow, and i am going to go to it.  i was given the day off, and i'm taking it.  i've been very regular at work, i don't believe in missing work anymore. and it's much easier when it's something you enjoy doing, i can freely admit that.  i like driving, but i love aiding.  i get up, as today, and though i'm sleepy, residually from the gabapentin still in my system, i am ready to start my day.  i can't recall the last time that's been the case with my employment.  of course, not being employed for so long is part of that, but my work last year did not make me feel that i had to be there no matter what.  it's a nice feeling. 

i've prayed today, taken my medicines, read my scriptures and my meditation books.  i'm almost dressed and i'm about to roll out.  i am thankful, my mind seems to be letting some of this darkness go.  i'm looking forward to my day off, to a three day weekend apropos of nothing at all.  thank you, Jehovah, for the provisions. 

the Dining Room

The Cookout

...because the term 'picnic' has quite a bit more to do with the southern, Jim Crow culture of 'picking a nigger', taking him to a mob scene and torturing and eventually killing him, we'll just refer to it as a 'cookout'. 

pictured is Neena and James, two of our clients i had the pleasure of transporting to their workplace for the better part of a month, a picture from yesterday's event.

i had a good day yesterday, and am glad to be able to say so, and glad to have experienced it. 

it was our company cookout for the clients, though that's not quite as magnanimous as it sounds, as it was just a way to bill for transportation, bill for an event and likely provide a tax write-off for the company.  nonetheless, it was fun, it was a very nice change of pace and it provided some levity for my spirit, seeing so many people who don't think in terms of numbers or avarice, but just enjoy having someone give a damn about them.  i know that feeling. 

but let's do this right.  i got up yesterday with some trepidation.  i wasn't really in favor of this, as it was planned as most of our things are; no word, no information except the base level, and still having to do all the things the job called for in the course of the day.  so, the first thing is prayer, which is first anyway.  i prayed, got up, got some breakfast in with medicine and readings, and i had some cereal.  i got dressed, got my green beans in a bowl and got to work.  i got a bit more information when i got to work, got my pre-trip stuff done and got my ass moving.  one client had called off for the day, so i only had two to pick up.  one, the 'problem' child, was agitated already, which is likely going to mean a bad week for him, but i just let him run his course. i'm not going to be the impetus for his behavior issues. 

after i dropped them at their workshops, i went to the park where our event was, helped tape down tablecloths, and eventually our clients and what families and caregivers had arrived as well and we were off and running. 

it was fun.  i played catch with some of the clients, talked with some of my work associates, ate and laughed and watched one of James and Neena's bus-mates, Donald, as he tried to eat and drink himself into a coma.  by the wind-down, the clouds had gathered and a heavy rain had started.  the pick-ups went smoothly though, and the drop-offs did as well.  i got my bus back, got my container, a container of watermelon which i cannot and do not eat to give to Lonnie, and i took off.  i thought i had a doctor's appointment yesterday, but it's scheduled for Wednesday, so i flew across to Wick avenue for nothing.  still, i was tired, not unhappy, not too sore.  Lonnie came for his watermelon, i ate my dinner (which was overkill; see the Dining Room) and i eventually just laid down, well- worn and in need of some rest.  i talked to YW briefly, Syd called to postpone my visit again, which agitated me slightly but not enough for me to lose sleep.  it's Tuesday now, and i'm about to do some writing before i go to work.  so, there you go. 

i am so grateful to Jehovah for a longer respite, and for the understanding that friendship is all around me, that people who care about me are always present, that it's other things (Satan, depression, societal awareness) that makes them seen few and far between.  time to make the donuts. 

Old Man Brain...or, OMB syndrome (new thing in 2019)

it is the end of another Sunday.  last week, i was in this bed, having driven for about 2 and a half hours from Columbus in a car with no air, running about 100 degrees the entire way.  this time, much cooler and no road trip, but i'm still sleepy.  i've been doing some things, and i'm pretty sure i'm going to do a couple more before the night is done.  but for now, let's log and blog and Journey.

start with getting up this morning.  it was one of those rough mornings, but i was determined it was going to be a 'get your ass out of the bed and move it' rough mornings, so i said my prayer and moved my ass.  i had breakfast, took my insulin and medicine, read my meditation books (just finished this evening with scriptures) and i put some dishes away, washed some others and shaved my face and head and took a shower.  before the shower and shave, i grabbed coffee and ice water and my bag of clothes from yesterday's laundry junket and i went upstairs to put my clothes away and work on some music.  i couldn't get anything done with the groove yet, but i started editing the lyrics for proper singing, and that was cool.  then i came down, groomed, ordered wings for our pot-luck today and i got ready for the meeting.  i also put a smoked turkey neck, red onion chopped and some chicken boullion in water with seasonings, cooked them down and turned them off so they'd be ready for my green beans this eveining for tomorrow's business cookout for the client's money (i mean, for the CLIENTS).

so, i went to pick up wings, got gas at that time, and went to the meeting.  we were doing the chapter entitled To Wives, which is always a bit sad and melancholy to me as it speaks of something that could have made my growing up a lot different, as does The Family Afterward.  regardless, the pot-luck was cool, the meeting went well and i went to the store afterward.  i got stuff not only to make my green beans for tomorrow but to make a chicken marinara for later in the week dinner, but left all but the green beans at the store.  embarrassing.  i called to see if i can come get my shit on Tuesday, as i know i'm not making it there tomorrow.  but i probably won't, it wasn't even five dollars worth of stuff. 

i got home, got to cooking, talked to several people, got my dinner and my meal for later in the week done, ate, got my green beans in the crock pot to be packaged and delivered tomorrow.  i'm tired now, but that's not unusual.  i'm glad that the day is just about over.  it's been productive, not in any great and unusual way, but activity is activity when your mind and body are on spiritual shutdown. 

apple for dessert.  thank you, Jehovah, for a good day.

Slow-Motion

I'm in Hubbard, at a laundromat. Washing clothes, 2nd time without my own washer. Not a bad thing but they haven't many dryers and even fewer blacks. But, life on life's terms, eh?

Quiet Saturday. Yesterday wasn't bad but I was exhausted, less than enough sleep and very long day. But not bad, and i'll live with it.

I had my confrontation with the woman at work who'said been assaulting my boundaries. Hopefully once shall be enough. The night wasn'the as bad and I slept well enough. Today the lethargy is on me but, i'm at the laundromat washing clothes.

It's about 1:30. I did my morning things, had breakfast and thought about cleaning but that didn'the happen. I watched some TV and was pondering a Syd-visit, but I don'the know. Catching up with rest seems intelligent right now, but that's likely the depression.

Counseling was good. I dig VF, she's always moving me towards practical resolution, where I tend to want 'right now' Gordian knot answers, which ain't always best.

Some things I've forgot, giving the homeless guy in Columbus a dollar, helping a woman unload her cart, helping a woman today get a pillow off a high shelf. No horn-solo, just observing my behavior and working on getting out of self. That's why I may still go see Syd & LZ, as I'd be out the house.

Got tension in my neck, base of my skull. Feeling fat and lazy. Pondering lunch. Got some choices here in Hubbard. Just doing a quick log on the Journey lately. We'll be okay. Or we won't. But thank you, Father, for all I have and all I look forward to .

thoughts and vibes, or whatever

change. 
it happens, regardless of your state of being.
babies change into people, the dead change into dust.  flesh moves to spirit, and sometimes, spirit moves toward fleshy things. 
change happens.  the one constant in the entirety of creation is change.

yesterday was a bad day.
got the prelims done, but i was feeling pretty rocky.  i'd already changed my appointment for the biopsy and my appointment with my GP, but when i woke up i had no energy, breathing was labored and my strength was negligible.  still, got my ass to work.  almost fell crossing the parking lot. 
i sent a text to the 2nd in command about how i was feeling and asked for a sub driver for the afternoon.  i was in no shape or mood to deal with bullshit on any level, and i knew it.  i got a text back that she'd see if she could find a sub.  i got through the runs and went to my parent's house, where i fixed breakfast sandwiches and dinner items for them both.  i took a low-power nap and went to my meeting, where i was late because my mom had several things she asked me to check out at the last minute. the meeting was already pretty well set up and i got our stuff from the locker and got the chair working on the format and i left early enough to get my ass back on the hop, being that i'd heard nothing about a sub driver...
until i got back to work, that is.  then the woman who rode with me on Monday said she'd been instructed to drive my route in the afternoon.  but no one had called or texted to tell me. so my temper ran high.  then i went to confront my boss about it and the crazy ))))) who seems to always get under my skin was jumping in the boss's face with some more arrant, trivial stupidity, and i said a profound string of curse words and stormed out to my bus and got the route finished.  i then came home, worn out, hurting with the onset of a gout attack as well.  but i talked to a driver before i left the work property, and that calmed me down some.  later i decided to call my boss and make an amend, which i did, and i received an apology in return, which was nice.  that was the meat of the day. 

today, i got up hurting,  started treating the gout but it is slow going, i'm beginning to acclimate to the prednisone, i can tell. anyway, i got showered, ate, read, took meds and got to work. i of course started it with prayer.  i stopped at Wal-Mart on my way.  i've learned that when i'm truly angry at people, it's hard to maintain it when you're doing something nice for them, so when i am angry at you and indifferent, you've really gotten far into my ass.  just so you know.  anyway, got the real Boss an ambrosia apple, got the idiots mini muffins, got to work and put on a pot of coffee and got my bus pre-checked and ready to roll.  the ))))) was in early and putting on her show, actually jumping in the middle of a conversation i was having, which tells me she's trying to find a way to compromise me.  but i have the answer for that already. 
anyway, the route was easy enough, it's my older brother's birthday, which i wished him a happy one, i came home for lunch because i had nothing else i really had to do, at some point Syd texted me that she was at her grandparent's house and likely wasn't going back to be with Joe, but when she called she was heading back there, i ate lunch and dinner here, and i'm about to go to sleep.  i managed to start working on a song, get an enlarged copy of our Wednesday format typed up, printed and in my meeting bag, and i need to wash some clothes.  i feel...altered, somewhat.  i'm not even going to fix my mouth to say i feel 'better', but i did do something different today, and it felt good.  so, we'll see what tomorrow brings.  but i'm so grateful for the day, and for the change to something...other.  that's nice. 

the drag of the day

what a strange little face.  he looks like he knows a bunch of shit and is just figuring out how to dumb it all down so we stupid adults can get on his level.  always did love that about babies.

you know, TOTI, the Tim on the inside, is pretty miserable these days.  but why? 

yes, there's the year come round, the loneliness, the phone that never rings except for collections.  there's the empty house, the old and worn decor, the feeling of being a ghost trespassing where the real ghosts live.  there's still the truly unnerving feeling of this being me watching my life flashing before my eyes as i am currently dying.  that is the one that gets me the most.

but why the heavy duty depression?

it's summer.  i've done practically nothing.  i've watched my activity dwindle back to complete isolation.  i don't grill, i don't make soup, i don't go to the gym.  i work; i'm pretty faithful about that.  but aren't i always good at being there for other people?  i come home, i eat, i lay in this bed and play games or reblog pictures, whatever gets me closest to passing out for another day.

i pray, i read, i take my medicines.  i look at the huge amount of gabapentin i have and i think.  and i push the thought back down in its container and shove it back into the back of the closet. 

i'm not writing.  i need to work out these lyrics to this song i wrote, but i somehow refuse to.  i don't draw.  i just work and eat and sleep.  and sometimes i feel really, REALLY sad.  and i push that to the back of the closet too. 

why am i feeling this way? 

how acute can Rachel not being here really be after a year.  an immovable object vs an irresistible force.  if she really wanted to be here, she would be.  if i really wanted her here, she would be.  we are where we are supposed to be.  granted, in the big and small picture. 

the aloneness, grieving parenthood prime ending, grieving my child growing up, grieving how my friends have all gone on with the world.  sure, i am. 

then there's the world itself.

nothing makes sense anymore.  people place money over dignity, over honor, over self-respect.  people believe whatever lie makes them the most horny.  people disregard laws and structure just because they haven't gotten caught doing so...yet.  everyone seems to be smoking weed, yet we complain because another culture is doing the work we're either too stoned or too lazy and egotistical to do.  we are watching the butchering of black men, but sports are more important than black lives, so do they really matter?  everything is artificial, everything is bullshit and we've got a liar and treasonist for president and this after white america spent 8 years calling Barack Obama everything but a child of God. 

i can't turn it off anymore, can't tune it out.  my filters are all fried, and it's like just about every visual and audio top-level stimuli comes right into my head, 24/7.  that's got a lot to do with it too. 

you know, i do the regular every day.  even when i was out of town, i prayed, i read, and i took my meds. 

but there's got to be something, something that i can unearth so i can look at it and dispose of it properly.  meantime, just stay on auto pilot and try to get over a body of water, i guess.  i'll be okay. 

thank you, Father, for getting me out the house earlier. 

stressing...

this is getting to be a bit much.  i don't know what the fuck is going on, if its me or everyone else, but i know i'm sick of it either way.  i've already stated that i know everyone else can't be the problem and therefore it must exist within me, but that don't mean i instantly understand all this bizarre shit going on.

i'm at home at the moment.  i had to come home, having had to cancel a doctor's appointment.  i didn't get out to see Syd and LZ, i didn't get out of work on time because someone is riding with me, learning my route for when they have to take over, and it's not easy.  still, i could use some regular shit, some normalcy coming down this path for a moment or two. 

as it stands, the day began well enough.  i got up with the alarm, i got my meds in me and a light breakfast, got my books read, got dressed and out the door.  at work i had a rider today because i'll be out thursday and friday, so someone has to drive my route.  that didn't impact all that much in the morning but it was so slow in the afternoon.  and it was hot, hot as hell.  and i went to see my parents between runs and my mom was still in some weird space, and trying to figure out what's going on is senseless when everyone says, 'i'm okay.'

i'm waiting to see if Lonnie can bring me a bar of chocolate for my chili for tomorrow, and if he can't i'll go with plan B.  i wish it would rain, open up and just pour liquid hell for about 36 hours, and then it'd be cool and everyone will chill out.

my mother seems to be of the impression that unless i come by every day that i'm not there at all.  i can't do anything about that, because that's not the itinerary.  my dad doesn't seem to much care, but i'm sure it's because he has his autonomy when i don't impose on his regimen. 

spending time with De'ja was good.  having someone to talk to, even for the limited time and receptiveness that they could engender, was good too.  seeing the city i once loved turned more into s fucking strip mall was not good.  i didn't go by the old houses, didn't ride the old streets.  i went to see YW because i didn't want to hear her mouth and i didn't really want to speak to her on the phone.  i'm tired of being the sounding board, tired of arguing my emotions with people who are in denial about theirs.  i'm weary. 

i have to call my urologist tomorrow and make sure this thing is going to be doable on Thursday, as i'm only going to be stopping my Xarelto tomorrow.  don't know if that's enough time for the clotting to be restored.  but i want the biopsy done.  i want to get all this over with.  and i want to get my life back on track again.  we'll see how it turns out.  meanwhile, i need to get ready for tomorrow, and i need to log my food intake at the Dining Room.  so, thank you, Jehovah, for a day of work and a day of thoughtfulness. 

home

i am here, it is morning and i'm' ready for work. 

it's nice to be back.  it has been a strange weekend.  i can do a quick recap, as i've wasted a bunch of time fucking around online rather than getting my shit ready to roll. 

so, i did the first day there, which is good.  on Saturday, i did hook up with my friend Vera, and we had dinner, where i began to cry publicly while speaking to her about my state of mind and affairs of late.  whereupon she told me her own stuff, which is sort of similar, and took me to a strange, crowded place where some local person was singing at a Gallery Hop event, which is when all the yuppies come out and peruse the streets of the short north area and campus to show how 'hip' they are.  it was miserable.  the singer was cool but i knew none of his material, everyone else being local did of course.  there was nowhere to sit, it was hot and stuffy and i felt isolated and an alien in what would once have been a comfortable environment.  i'm not daunted by crowds any longer; it was purely emotional discomfort within me leaving me feeling alone and outside.

i finally got back to my room and almost immediately went to sleep.  the next day, De'ja came early, we had some food, went to Wal-mart where i got his stuff he asked for for his birthday, and we went to lunch for the real meal, which was average. we went to the park and rode around the city.  i know he was worried about me, and i hate that i worried him.  the ride home was uneventful and i came in and went to sleep pretty much.

it was a sad adventure.  i really don't feel there's any good purpose to me going to Columbus anymore.  no one i know is doing anything, no one that was a recovery friend is open to me, and if i have to take care of people, i have enough people here to tend to without traveling to find more.  so, i guess i'll see what's east or west next time. 

i am grateful, however...i feel clearer about some things and don't feel as if the trip was wasted.  i do feel rested this week, so we'll see how things turn out, right?  thank you, Father, for a safe trip and a home to come back to. 

What Is This?

I don't know why I didn't write yesterday. I was tired, I was on the road in the evening, I was driving most of the day as it turns out. I did not bring a laptop, and writing on the phone is usually pretty tedious. But I want to update anyway. I'm going through something pretty rough right now. I have been down, in ways that I have not felt depressed in a long time. I have no doubt some of this is due to the upcoming biopsy. I have no doubt some of this is due to the past year and the anniversaries that tend to Echo in my mind. But I know that's not all of it.
Yesterday wasn't a bad day. But it would be bad. I got my stuff together in the morning and I got to work. I ate, prayed, read, and took my medicines. Work was not eventful, which is always a good thing. I guess from the middle of the day I started feeling the heaviness of it. Speaking to my counselor usually brings that on these days. And I don't mean to suggest that my counselor is depressing me. What I mean is, counseling is a place of being more honest and I seem to live at this time in the zone of depression management. That kind of ends when I start talking about how I'm feeling.
But maybe that's what I need to do. Maybe if I could pull more of the stuff out of me and bring it out into the open, maybe that would give me some relief. I don't know for sure. I know the end of the day I was sad, over thoughtful. I know I wanted to get here to think. And I know now, I feel like I'm thinking too much. I got something to eat, I'm laying in this bed, and it's like being at home. So it's time to do something different. I don't know what that is just yet, I have some plans for this evening, and maybe I'll find the answers in new activity. I am grateful, however, to God for all the blessings and for my life.

out of town bound...

next week it begins.  a new chapter, forced to be written by necessity of culture, color, age and health.  fear grows like mold on the inside of my spirit, but i continue on.  but i'm going to give myself a respite, even at the expense of some things i'd much rather do.  and that's where it's at right now.

i had a good day today. relatively pain free for the past two days.  slept well, got up sleepy but that was more due to the perfect sleep night than to any other factor.  i prayed, had coffee, ate a peach, read my scriptures and meditation books and ate leftover pizza and took my meds.  i got dressed, got to work and got the day done.  no more eventful than that today.  between runs, i visited Syd and LZ, i had lunch with Lonnie and i thought about my life.  much the same as yesterday, except then i did a load of clothes and i went to my meeting.

now i'm gathering up clothes for my trip.  i seem to be on the wrong side of most of my friends and family today, and i wonder if my apprehension about the upcoming tests is starting to leak out into my spiritual groundwater supply.  i would have to say, if everyone seems to have an issue with me, likely i have an issue.  but for now, i just want to get on the road.  i was going to rent a car, but i did reserve a room and dropping four bills off rip just to hang out with De'ja and maybe VB is wasteful and profoundly stupid.  so, keep the room, drive my car or borrow my mom's depending on it's availability.  but it's cool.  i just want to work on this song, have some dinner with De'ja, get some rest, think some thoughts, maybe do some writing and come back ready to be prodded and violated and tested.

for now, i feel pretty good.  going to tidy a bit, get packed and chill until.  counseling tomorrow, a good thing.  thank you, Father, for your patience with me.