had some time with my grandson over the weekend, which was nice. he wasn't scared of me, and big as he is, he shouldn't really be scared of anyone. he is serious, which is drawing more comparisons to me. but he only really seems like himself to me. just like Syd seemed like Syd as a baby, though i can see a lot of me in her now.
i had a really sad moment today. i think that's some of the absence about now; not knowing what the feeling is that stays right at the edge of my feeling. but i got a piece of it today. it was while i was driving, and i thought about seeing all my siblings this past weekend. seeing the eldest, the youngest, the youngest boy. seeing my sister who lives here and my brother that i see the most. and realizing...there was only one missing. and realizing why he was missing. and finally realizing that if he wasn't missing, i wouldn't have seen all the others this weekend. and knowing that it's not the same without seeing him...and that's what death is about. things change because the gatherings continue, maybe they get the semblance of something a bit more attended to. the laughter doesn't end, but yours is not a part of the cacophony any longer. the ruminations don't end, but they center around you for a while, and then they go back to the life that runs on and on... and you're still not there to take your place at the table. i'm crying a bit while i'm writing this.
so, i have seen my mother go to the emergency room yesterday, exhaustion most likely. i've seen my dad struggling to maintain his composure, and i still wonder how bad it is when he sleeps. i know my brother Jerry is hurting constantly. i know my other sibs have to be going through similar changes. and i know the band plays on, don't they? the Tempts got it right...the fucking band plays on. anyway...
i'll be off next week, a goood thing indeed. and i am grateful that Jehovah kept my family safe coming and going, and i'm blessed with his love and care, as i always have been. good night.
the Dining Room
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