drag time

dawns on me, it's April.  this year is now officially 3 months old, and it has been as full of changes many groups of years clumped together in comparison.  yet, i feel the same distance between myself and the world i inhabit as i ever do. what the fuck is wrong with me, really?  what is the disconnect?  i mean, the year came in and i was alone, and for more than a month i cohabited with a woman that i love and a dog and i was as angry with her as i've ever been for the changes she imposed between us, though the dog did no wrong except to eat things that she found left in her reach by stupid humans like myself...in other words, she was a dog.  excusable in canines.  i have had my best friend on my job move to another state, i've changed routes twice and had my route changed again in the past week.  and i've lost my brother.  i don't know, but it seems this could be a rather tumultuous spring emerging from its nadir. 

i've lost contact with, and re-established it with my daughter.  i've seen my mother in the most profound grief i've ever seen her in and watched my father lost in his own head, only to emerge with a new level of seeming madness.  i watch my brother as his pain grows more debilitating.  i still grieve the loss of my sponsor last year.  and i have to get physically busy so i can deal with this thing that is slowly eating away at me.  it would help considerably if i cared more, i admit that here. 

and it's not that i don't care at all. it's not even that i want to die or have my time cut short or anything else.  i just feel...out of the loop of humanity.  i wake, i drive, i eat, i sleep, i shit and piss, i think all the damn time, i feel like most of what i encounter is not real, and i do it all over again the next day.  that's my life right now.

http://www.vindy.com/news/tributes/2019/apr/03/robert-l-thoma/

anyway.  it was a good day.  an easy day, an informative day, a low energy day.  it had its moments of tension, some entertainment and a little bit of anger, but it is now done, and it's time to start getting in gear for Thursday, should i be so blessed.  thank you, Father, for your kindness and love today.