dreams and disillusionment.  images captured in a moment, a lie that becomes a sweet story in the eye of the beholder.  and what else is there, except to hope, and to pray, and to prepare for the worst in the meantime?

i was angry today, angry at my daughter, angry with myself.  i was angry because yesterday i accepted an invitation for lunch with Syd and my grandson, despite my better reasoning, and today Syd canceled it due to her housemate 'losing' the car seat.  i had stopped talking to Syd, because every time we would have a plan to do something or for me to visit, or for her to visit, she'd call beforehand and change the schedule, and sometimes just cancel altogether.  i didn't understand it, but i knew not to interfere; if i was meant to know what the fuck it's about, i'd be made to know.  but i was angry because i'd be damned if i was going to repeat the shit i'd just gone through.  so i went home instead, and had some lunch, and chilled until i returned to work.  after work, i called and explained all that to Syd and she said she and my grandson just occupy the space she is in, which is why i didn't get an invite to come visit instead of going out.  i don't know how much i believe that, but i believe i am not going to see my grandson for a good while.  and i've got to just get used to that.  i know it's not what i need after my brother's death.  b

other than that, a short, typical day.  i am grateful that i at least got to talk to Syd today.  the rest, the run, the day itself, went by and is at an end, and that's all i'm going to say tonight.  thank you, Father.