The Absence is Often the Indication

to deny the sickness that i've been living in and under is stupid.  it is a soul sickness, a spiritual ich, of a sort, that has been rotting me from the inside out.  it manifests externally as additional weight, but it also manifests as side effects from that weight; exhaustion, lack of energy, lack of libido, muddled thoughts, plans for activity that die in the brain they are conceived in (stillborn synaptic conversions).  i have been going down for the better part of the last year. 

did it start with the cancer diagnosis?  likely not.  i think it started with the realization that i may spend the rest of my life alone.  if i'm brutally honest with myself, i can admit that i hate this kind of life, though i don't hate life.  i hate waking and laying down alone.  i hate sitting in this space, no one to talk to, no one to eat with, no one to share the day's events with.  i hate having only my friend Lonnie to talk to on a regular basis.  it feels like i'm living in a vacuum.  and i hate that i put so much weight on my friend, so much responsibility.  it doesn't matter that friends tend to friends;  what happened  to me that i am so alone now?

so i think i can go back to when i had hope in a better future than i do now.  two years ago, i was writing, producing, learning, developing new ways of doing things, thinking of expanding the palate to include more ideas.  two years ago, i was with Rachel, i was thinking in terms of taking my art across the region, sowing seeds of the Z Esoterica and redefining myself again.  two years later, i'm closing in on 400 pounds again, my sponsor and little brother are dead, i've got nothing close to a finished book, no music, no new pictures, no new videos.  i work, i come home, i pass out.  i eat too much carb-laden shit, i don't exercise, i don't even masturbate anymore.  my life is the hollowed-out remnants of a once vibrant tree, struck by the lightning of my own fears and burrowed out by rats and squirrels.  it is a sad thing, and yet, i created it, so i must want things to be this way. 

i have been to the doctor yesterday.  what's so funny is, my numbers are good.  my blood work was great.  my blood pressure was nice, my glucose number was excellent for that late in the day and my A1C was good.  all i need to do is start changing the shit that i know how to change, and have faith that the rest will fall in place, and things would get better.  and i won't.  and i don't know why. and that shit is driving me crazy.  why won't i walk between runs at work?  why won't i go upstairs and turn on some music and dance?  why won't i use my office?  do i really believe that there is no point to it?  i gave a client's father my card yesterday.  it had my cell number written on the back, so he can call or text if the Friday situation happens again.  he would have been a great person to speak to; got money, got influence, love to read.  i couldn't even represent my work well verbally, it's been so long since i've spoken about my writing.  sad shit. 

something's got to change.  either die or live, that's the fucking choice now.  dying means pull the plug, stop dicking around with this half-life that i've engineered for myself.  living...ah.  living means do something, move something, write something, sweat, cum, breathe, walk, run, dance, sing.  DO SOMETHING!  that's living.  and if i'm not going to do that, then i'm going to do the opposite. 

call or fold, motherfucker. 

i love Jehovah, but i can see my lack of gratitude today, and i'll not hypocricize myself today. 

The Dining Room

UnDone

it's been a couple days again.  i can honestly say this time that i am just out of sorts, and the weather is mostly to blame.  i am not doing okay with this fucking 40 degree days, i'm currently hating this 30-something degree morning, and while i am grateful to Jehovah for life, i am not a hypocrite and won't be sanctimonious and pretend to like something that i don't.  i don't blame God for this strange weather, anyway. 

nonetheless, i am up, and i am grateful.  this has been a weekend of ups and downs.  last i wrote was Friday morning, and I was planning on updating that evening, but the weather had me near sleep through most of the day.  had everyone i knew feeling the same way, in fact.  i got through the work day, barely.  everything in me was wanting to call off, but i kept it moving.  i missed a cue from a client, the one wheelchair transport i have.  he doesn't usually ride on Fridays, and we have a signal that if the front house lights are on, he's riding and if they're off he's not.  well, it was Friday, on Thursday he and his father and i exchanged 'weekend salutations', and the lights were on the front of the house.  i didn't stop, because it was a total moment of 'what the fuck??' for me.  but he got brought in later, and we all apologized to each other.  mixed messages that started on Thursday and went on through Friday.  then the new gas cap on my bus didn't want to open, and i almost pissed myself literally, trying to get the damn thing off.  fun fun fun.  the evening was calm enough, and i was ready for Saturday's events.

i'd volunteered to do an earth day thing with the Ops Mgr of my place of employment, around Wick Park on Saturday.  it was an attempt at something different; change begets change, and i have nothing else really going on on the weekends these days.  i was up, half-heartedly trying to talk my way out of going, but not having an issue with showing up except for the cold.  i talked to Rachel and coerced an invitation to her house for coffee before going to the park, to make sure she was okay and to change her rhythm a bit.  my mom called while i was talking to Rachel, and when i called her back she asked if i could come by and cook breakfast for her and my father and dinner for the next two days.  my mom took a tumble on Thursday, hit her head, and she is now pretty uneasy about getting around the house, it seems.  precedence is precedence.  i texted my boss, apologized and told her what was going on.  i had coffee at Rachel's and talked her into coming with me and cooking a meal for them for Saturday.  we hung over there for awhile; i fed my parents breakfast, Rachel also, and i made their Sunday dinner and Rachel fixed a pasta dish for them for Saturday evening.  then i took Rachel to do her thing and i went back home.  i did no writing, no music shit, but i felt okay with the choices i'd made that day.

Sunday, i went to breakfast with Marc, did my meeting, checked on my mother, texted my oldest brother, got my stove cleaned out (thanks again, Lonnie), watched some anime and chilled.  did a load of clothes.  i talked to Rachel in the evening, and she is not doing so good.  thinking a lot, and her thoughts are not kind toward herself and she is taking them to heart.  it is not a good thing for her, but no one can control what another person thinks, especially about themselves.  she may withdraw soon, but at least she texted back good morning today.  meanwhile, i am worried about her.  i don't have an answer for her.  i can only make suggestions, try to be here if she needs me and keep trying to work on my own issues, which are varied and do demand my attention. 

that's a lot, i know.  but i have to get it down, because the ride of the week is about to start.  i've gotten up, prayed, shaved, showered, medicated, read my scriptures and my daily books and i'm about to lotion up and get dressed to start the day.  i don't want to do this cold, but at least the day will break earlier than it was last month, and that's something. 

i truly am grateful to Jehovah.  i have what i need, i have the things i require to get to work, and i could be in a much worse position than i am.  i will keep that in the front of my mind today.  time to roll.

quick word from Thursday

i didn't write last night, but not for bad reasons.  i actually came home from work, made myself some dinner (though shudderingly, i admit) and watched a show on television.  i took time to do what i needed to do, in other words, without jumping into bed after i ate, without sitting and waiting for unconsciousness to take me.  it was a good night, and the work day wasn't bad either.  clients got to work and home safely, i did too.  the downside of the day was my mom falling in her bedroom and having to call the paramedics to help her from the floor.  as well as her hitting her head in her fall and not wanting to go to the hospital.  it's part of the getting old process, sad to say.  new day has begun, and it's almost time to go, but i have to keep aware of where i am in this Journey.  i thank God for the life i have, and for the life that i don't have. 

Quiet Productivity? Maybe...

it's wednesday evening.  i'm tired, reasons outside my easy comprehension.  i'll live through it.  this is going to be an early evening.  i'm not going to try to do anything more than i have to do tonight.  it's been one of those days.  not bad, though.  just tiring and tiresome.

i didn't write yesterday.  there was nothing eventful about the day, i just didn't write on it.  i didn't do much, ate too much, pondered a situation at work that's not worth repeating here.  but otherwise, just mundane blah-ness.  there are days like that.  more than i like to think about, to be honest.

today, though, was okay.  i have to admit, i enjoy spending time with my grandson and my daughter.  the young man is a study in human behavior.  he is fairly happy, though you get the sense he is thoughtful as fuck.  he watches, he analyzes and he decides.  he's very existentialistic, but i come to the conclusion that most babies must be.  i think babies just learn about the nature of the universe they occupy until adults start forcing their focus onto useless bullshit.  then they become human do-ings, rather than spirits trying on skin to see how it fits.  but it was a nice visit.  i brought him some fries, brought Syd a small iced coffee and myself a regular coffee.  we talked and i played with him and eventually i went back to work, but meeting time was first.  i was a bit irritable at the meeting, hunger may have been part of it but more just being older and cranky.  rather not make excuses.  our reading was on Tradition 1 and two individuals took it upon themselves to speak way off topic.  and i corrected them in my comment, but was there a reason to?  it was a small reason, if there was any at all.  need to check that in myself. 

i took my day meds and i'll have to take my night shit before i shut it all the way down.  i'm done writing my songs, i've started work on my book and i feel creative, though still unmotivated.  i don't know how such a combination has come in to being, but life will have to go on.  likely this weekend i'll begin working more in earnest, with some recording time, some arranging time and some writing time.  and in between try to get some time with some kind of company.  that would be nice, but i don't count too much on it.  i called Rachel today but didn't get an answer.  there's no point hanging any great hopes upon her, that's not really fair to her and not even very smart of me to do so.  i have to just prepare to work, toward the goal i've set for me, and see where it takes me.

two more days of work.  it's going to be okay, all of it, by Jehovah's grace.  thank you, Father, for perspective and love. 

Return, Sigh...

it's just about time to shut it down for the day.  cool enough, i suppose.  i'm weary, my foot hurts, cramping a bit, which sucks.  i'm ready to sleep, to start tomorrow fresh.  but i got to get back into this rhythm, so i'm going to jot some things down that came along this Journey today, and i'm going to shut it down after that.

first, let's say that getting up at 4 sucks, but i can still do it and did it okay and that's a good thing.  i prayed and i took my meds and i read my books and i got my ass out the door in a timely fashion.  i found when i got to work that i'd lost one of my riders to another driver, his original one, but that isn't something i can do anything about.  money's going to just be a bit shorter, but i'm not really doing this for the money right now 

took me a minute to get my swing back right, i missed a turn, my timing was off as well.  but i got them there, and i got them home, and that's what's what.  that's the job.  the timing changes, the parameters of the mission do not. 

i didn't have any issues with anyone today that i could tell.  tomorrow i've got to make sure i've got all my gear together.  didn't have my car charging cables, and they weren't in my bag which they should have been.  but i know, like the $10 that i seem to have misplaced after i had the cashier ring it out for me on Friday, i have to start thinking more about what i'm doing, not just jump from thing to thing like my brain is just processing all this data instantly.  it don't work that way no more. 

i helped my mom with her bills, i took Syd and Timothy to his doctor appointment and i took them to lunch.  i ate better though i did have a piece of cake after dinner.  i am trying to find a way to get my parent's cable bill reduced, but it's not going to be easy.  everything is a pain in the ass these days.  simplification means complication to make more money for someone. 

okay, so that's the generalities of things.  talked to Rachel and Lonnie, texting with a couple people.  grateful, indeed, and thank you, Father, as i know this has been a good day and i owe that to you.  no bodies in the home war, but i've just begun to fight. 

that's it for now.  good night. 

Ready for...

It's 8 o'clock, Sunday night.  i've got as much ready for tomorrow as i can get.  it's been a day, and i'm weary.

i did my stuff, far as the readings, the medicine and the prayer.  i have to say, i'm glad to be back in the habit of praying, not only in the morning but also before meals.  i feel connected, and a sense of gratitude, and that is the motivation for me.  i did some writing, i wrote lyrics on a song that still needs a good chorus, and i went to the meeting.  i am having issues with my power steering, and i'm going to have to address that soon.  i came home with plans to grill but the weather never broke warm today so i baked my proteins and had my dinner that way.  a pause for the trauma...

when i went to start my dinner, i noticed the mice had been doing their thing in the last 12 to 24 hours or so.  the stove was peppered with their calling cards.  stove TOP, that is.  lawd... a can of honey roasted peanuts had the plastic lid chewed thru and shit.  i was on the verge of blowing a gasket.  now, it's on me.  because i know they still there.  i got one poison pack that had been down, but that isn't going to stop any family.  but the anger got to me.  it was the contemptuous way they just threw their, um... gauntlet down.  so i said, after a prayer, 'Challenge accepted, motherfuckers!!'
now, all traps are reloaded, with peanut butter under the trigger as well.  maybe they can sit and eat from the top, but if they try to get the last drop, sha-POW!  the other two fresh poison traps are out as well.  going to put out poison pellets in the morning.  their shit is cleaned up, and i'm waiting to see what happens next. 

meanwhile, i'm flaring with gout/neuropathy on my last day of freedom. how you like that?  so i'm medicated for that, and i'm about to go to sleep.  got to do some things tomorrow; meeting at work, help my mom with her bills, take Syd and the baby to his doctor's appointment.  so sleep and a lack of pain will be appreciated, but the day will move forward no matter how i'm feeling. 

i am grateful to God for the time off, for the means to take care of me and to share time with those who chose to.  i'm blessed and i feel okay tonight, and i'm done with this one for now 

Saturday and current Sunday Update

what will define the year so far for me?  what is the thing that i can say most stands out in my life up to this point in 2019?  the theme, if there was one, seems to be death and loneliness, and that is depressing as fuck.  but overwhelmingly, that's what is on the menu for any given day.

today is Sunday, it is Easter in the conventional world.  the so-called holiest day of the year.  but it's really just another day, another excuse to eat stuff and pretend that love is the undercurrent of humanity.  Sri Lanka just had a bombing in churches this morning.  Love, man, love.

yesterday i tried.  i really did.  i wanted to have some company, i wanted to get some things done, i wanted to enjoy my last whole day off before i had to start getting ready for work, which is what sundays are to me.  Friday i'd issued an invite to Rachel which didn't get any real response, so i didn't even bother yesterday.  i went to the store, got a card for a new member of the meeting we have today, got some snack stuff and went to BK and came home.  i cooked a crock pot of lima beans, which are very tasty, thank you very much.  i swept and mopped the kitchen and bathroom and i wrote a song and did some writing on my new book.  all good stuff.  then i was on my ass.  watching tv, watching videos, just fucking around.  it's what i do a lot of the time.  it would be nice to have someone to converse with, feedback ideas and thoughts from and off of, but i don't have that.  so i work from the parameters of my own consciousness.  and while that is sometimes spacious, loneliness tends to shrink mental space considerably.  or age does, or both do together.  anyway, that was the day. 

today, i've washed and dried a load of clothes.  i'm going to do this meeting.  i'm coming home to grill some meats, and to make my dinner.  i've got some more writing to do.  and then i'm going to shower, shave and sleep and get up at 4am to start my real life again.  and it will be back to the grind, and that's cool too.  the break was needed, it was welcome, but it was lonely.  and i'm not ungrateful.  it cost me a week's pay to have a week off work.  that's my current reality.  but i'll make up the money soon enough.  for now, i just have to keep moving forward.  i know this book is going to be great, in a storytelling sense, in a literature dimension.  i know the disc i put out to accompany it is going to be nice, and the philosophy it eschews will be both mind-gripping and ass shaking.  that's the goal.  and i'm going to get all this done while the weather is warm.  but there is still death, there is still loneliness.  there is still the presence within my body that has to be dealt with.  and there is still faith that things are going to work out.  that's what matters the most.  thank you, Father, for a new day.

Good Enough Friday

it's now saturday morning and i'm about to get shaking.  still have to say my prayer, but i want to log so i know what i'm praying for for today. 

yesterday was a good day, i felt.  good enough anyway.  its a bit after seven now, and i have to reset my alarm so i'm back to getting up on time for work.  have to also remember that i get up at 4, i'm out the door at 5:30 and i'm at work at six.  after a week off, it will be a bit of a restoration, but i'll function. 

yesterday though.  i went to counseling, and we talked about politics, and race, and things of that nature, being able to track down culture and what the lack of culture has done to my people.  it is refreshing, though i know from the outside many would think those sessions strange.  but to be able to speak on such things, to be able to range across the board, which includes religion, and find an intelligent outlet for myself...that means a lot.  you have to appreciate such a thing when you have it, because we live in a half-ignorant, half-terrified society, and subjects that have the most power over our lives are pretty much forbidden territory to discuss in an intelligent way.  how sad and strange is that, by comparison?

after counseling, i went to the store and got some breakfast stuff and went to my parent's house to cook for them and spend time with my mom.  she's not doing as well as i want her to be, but then again, i guess she never is.  she's doing the best she can, and Jehovah is with her and that's the most important thing for me to remember.  i got her tablet back online after resetting the wifi, and she watched a talk on the JW network while i cooked.  i took a brief nap after breakfast and then went back to the store to finish my list before i came home.

i'd tried to wait out Rachel, but she didn't call til i was in Hubbard getting dinner stuff for some point this week.  it was cool though, without her being here i just switched off from grilling.  dinner ended up being from Captain Fish and Chicken, which i'm growing increasingly unhappy with so i may just give up on them.  but it was dinner, and i watched some television, and i did a bit of music and i went to bed.  that was the day.  prayed in the morning, took meds, read, almost through the book of Isaiah, took my night meds and slept okay, though i had strange dreams last night.  faded now, but i remember the unsettled feeling of waking up from them. 

anyway, the video is Adolph Caeser in The Color Purple speaking after Oprah's character finally starts showing some activity.  it seemed a good Easter quote.  i'm going to pray and get started today.  i thank Jehovah for the day being born, and for waking me up to get started with it.  good enough, i think.

The Dining Room

...can't even chill right...

some days, it just moves of it's own accord, and all you can do is ride it out. they say if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plan for the day.  i don't really subscribe to that way of looking at it; to me, it's more a matter of learning to 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst', and take it one day at a time.  because that's all the control i have over any given day, hour, minute or moment in my life.

so today i got up a bit later, and i prayed and read and ate and took meds.  i moved some mail that i have to sort through on the weekend, and i prepared to go to the store by inventorying my fridge and my cupboards.  and then i talked to Lonnie, who reminded me i said i'd take him to his doctor's appointment this afternoon and that he was taking me to lunch first.  and that was the day.  went to lunch, went to get coffee, went to the store, took Lonnie to the doctor, took him home and came home.  i'm in bed, waiting for the meds to kick in as my gout was twinging, as well as my neuropathy.  i have a 9am with VF tomorrow, and i have to check on the parents.  it would be nice to spend some time with Rachel, but we'll have to see what the day brings.  again, no plan, just take it moment for moment. 

i'm a bit hungry, but i'm not going to get off into that.  i'm going to get some sleep and get up for the day, if that is God's purpose for me.  i am grateful and thank my Father for a warm and peaceful day. 

the Delay

it's been a minute, hasn't it?  i know, i got a reminder the other day, this very morning in fact. and the time has gotten away a bit, and i'm sorry for that, it was unintentional.  but i realize i'm very tired, inside and out, and this time off what exactly what i needed, though i'm losing money and will have a very short check next week.  having to make choices like that, sanity versus bill money, is trifling, it is the mark of a sociopathic employment situation.  and no one bothers to challenge such precepts in a way that might force a change to come about.  so it goes on.  but i am more important to me than any of the clients i work with, than any of the pay i might receive.  if i don't treat myself as that important, then i am just a thing to be burned out and disposed of, and i will not allow that to happen by my silent consent. 

in the days off, i've cleaned some, eaten, visited my parents.  i've cooked, had time with my grandson and my child and her other, with my parents and with Rachel.  i've talked to my baby sister, i've stayed in touch with Lonnie.  i've been to 2 meetings this week.  i'm going to rest and work on my own stuff tomorrow.  and i wanted to just drop some words and a picture here, to thank everyone for thinking about me and making sure i can't hide in the ether this time.  thank you, Father, for keeping me rolling in spirit. 

way too early

perspective is important.  sometimes, it's easy to misconstrue, to make things much more than they really are, based on a combination of factors that have all been mismanaged simultaneously, most often.  when they alcl sort of explode, a situation that might be of the smallest nature may seem absolutely gigantic.  like the spider pictured there, who is (or was) really a tiny guy but was shot up close for dramatic effect. he'll likely grow into a giant and kill me in my sleep, but he is not that at the time of our photo shoot.  perspective.

it's Thursday morning.  i'm going back to sleep shortly. yesterday was a good one. the workday wasn't bad, having dinner with Rachel wasn't bad.  the writing has been developing and i've been feeling okay, if a bit sluggish.  i am praying and reading daily, taking my meds and staying pretty much out of the way.  i have today and tomorrow to work, and then i'm off for one work week and two weekends, total of 9 days.  very needed. 

things are changing at work; the landscape is altering again.  i don't know exactly what is changing, but i know that some chickens are coming home to what they believe are their roost, and there's nothing much that can be done about it.  it's okay.  change is going to happen.  i just want to do my job and pay my bills, that is my objective. 

have been trying to get my mom to talk, to someone. she's immersed in her grief, and while such a thing might be perfectly natural, it is not the healthiest existence for her.  but it's her call, to talk or not to talk.  i keep it in my prayers and ask for the same.

my personal prayer is to be strong enough to act in my own best interest.  i hope i'm open to receiving an answer. i am grateful, however, for being blessed with this one day, and i thank my Father for that and so much more. 

OOOps...

not really sure what happened.  well, aside from the service for my brother and all the family stuff that's been happening, that is.  but it's time to get back to work on this shit, time to get myself Journeying again.

had some time with my grandson over the weekend, which was nice.  he wasn't scared of me, and big as he is, he shouldn't really be scared of anyone.  he is serious, which is drawing more comparisons to me.  but he only really seems like himself to me.  just like Syd seemed like Syd as a baby, though i can see a lot of me in her now. 

i had a really sad moment today.  i think that's some of the absence about now; not knowing what the feeling is that stays right at the edge of my feeling.  but i got a piece of it today.  it was while i was driving, and i thought about seeing all my siblings this past weekend.  seeing the eldest, the youngest, the youngest boy.  seeing my sister who lives here and my brother that i see the most.  and realizing...there was only one missing.  and realizing why he was missing.  and finally realizing that if he wasn't missing, i wouldn't have seen all the others this weekend.  and knowing that it's not the same without seeing him...and that's what death is about.  things change because the gatherings  continue, maybe they get the semblance of something a bit more attended to.  the laughter doesn't end, but yours is not a part of the cacophony any longer.  the ruminations don't end, but they center around you for a while, and then they go back to the life that runs on and on... and you're still not there to take your place at the table.  i'm crying a bit while i'm writing this.

so, i have seen my mother go to the emergency room yesterday, exhaustion most likely.  i've seen my dad struggling to maintain his composure, and i still wonder how bad it is when he sleeps.  i know my brother Jerry is hurting constantly.  i know my other sibs have to be going through similar changes.  and i know the band plays on, don't they?  the Tempts got it right...the fucking band plays on.  anyway...

i'll be off next week, a goood thing indeed.  and i am grateful that Jehovah kept my family safe coming and going, and i'm blessed with his love and care, as i always have been.  good night. 

the Dining Room

interesting things...

Gonna get back to the Dining Room today, so i'm not going to linger a long time here.  i am going to say that this has been a decent day, though short in work hours.  i got up and did my morning things with no issues.  i am in anticipation of my siblings and my son making their way here for my dad's dog and pony show on saturday.  regardless of my decision to attend, i can't help but think of it that way.  but it doesn't matter what i think. it is the way of the world, to celebrate death rather than  to honor the deceased.  but i am going to commit 2 hours out of my life for this, and then i'm going to get on with the things that i want to do, which makes a lot more sense to me than trying to make a point of not going. 

so, today i kind of learned what happened to my old boss, got a glimpse at just how deep the insanity runs on my job, and i got some things done that needed done, including washing and drying a load of clothes.  i found that things are closer to a meltdown than i thought, though i'm still surprised this company has lasted as long as it has.  and i am trying my best to keep moving on my work for getting shit together.  i did exercise this morning, and i plan to do so again tomorrow morning, if i'm blessed with breath.  i have nothing else right now, just observation and staying level.  thank you Father, for all your love and kindness 

drag time

dawns on me, it's April.  this year is now officially 3 months old, and it has been as full of changes many groups of years clumped together in comparison.  yet, i feel the same distance between myself and the world i inhabit as i ever do. what the fuck is wrong with me, really?  what is the disconnect?  i mean, the year came in and i was alone, and for more than a month i cohabited with a woman that i love and a dog and i was as angry with her as i've ever been for the changes she imposed between us, though the dog did no wrong except to eat things that she found left in her reach by stupid humans like myself...in other words, she was a dog.  excusable in canines.  i have had my best friend on my job move to another state, i've changed routes twice and had my route changed again in the past week.  and i've lost my brother.  i don't know, but it seems this could be a rather tumultuous spring emerging from its nadir. 

i've lost contact with, and re-established it with my daughter.  i've seen my mother in the most profound grief i've ever seen her in and watched my father lost in his own head, only to emerge with a new level of seeming madness.  i watch my brother as his pain grows more debilitating.  i still grieve the loss of my sponsor last year.  and i have to get physically busy so i can deal with this thing that is slowly eating away at me.  it would help considerably if i cared more, i admit that here. 

and it's not that i don't care at all. it's not even that i want to die or have my time cut short or anything else.  i just feel...out of the loop of humanity.  i wake, i drive, i eat, i sleep, i shit and piss, i think all the damn time, i feel like most of what i encounter is not real, and i do it all over again the next day.  that's my life right now.

http://www.vindy.com/news/tributes/2019/apr/03/robert-l-thoma/

anyway.  it was a good day.  an easy day, an informative day, a low energy day.  it had its moments of tension, some entertainment and a little bit of anger, but it is now done, and it's time to start getting in gear for Thursday, should i be so blessed.  thank you, Father, for your kindness and love today. 

dreams and disillusionment.  images captured in a moment, a lie that becomes a sweet story in the eye of the beholder.  and what else is there, except to hope, and to pray, and to prepare for the worst in the meantime?

i was angry today, angry at my daughter, angry with myself.  i was angry because yesterday i accepted an invitation for lunch with Syd and my grandson, despite my better reasoning, and today Syd canceled it due to her housemate 'losing' the car seat.  i had stopped talking to Syd, because every time we would have a plan to do something or for me to visit, or for her to visit, she'd call beforehand and change the schedule, and sometimes just cancel altogether.  i didn't understand it, but i knew not to interfere; if i was meant to know what the fuck it's about, i'd be made to know.  but i was angry because i'd be damned if i was going to repeat the shit i'd just gone through.  so i went home instead, and had some lunch, and chilled until i returned to work.  after work, i called and explained all that to Syd and she said she and my grandson just occupy the space she is in, which is why i didn't get an invite to come visit instead of going out.  i don't know how much i believe that, but i believe i am not going to see my grandson for a good while.  and i've got to just get used to that.  i know it's not what i need after my brother's death.  b

other than that, a short, typical day.  i am grateful that i at least got to talk to Syd today.  the rest, the run, the day itself, went by and is at an end, and that's all i'm going to say tonight.  thank you, Father.   

remembering what i never knew

...this is a card from one of the clients that i drive, or drove as of last week, when my route changed once again.  it had a gift card in it from DD, and it says that i was a great bus driver. it means a lot to me, so much so that i'm going to keep it.  it makes me feel good, as the young man who gave it to me didn't speak too much, and often seemed very moody and without affect, so i couldn't really give him much feedback on the things he seemed to be going through. but to find out that i did my job well enough...that means a lot.  it really does.

Monday is winding itself down now.  i'm tired from yesterday's travel and events, but i can't not get this stuff done.  i've shaved, and i might just shower in the morning, that would be okay.  i've got my shorts and tee shirt on, and i'm working on my dinner now.  i cleaned out some of my back seat today, and i'll do some more this week.  i have a lunch scheduled with Syd tomorrow afternoon.  some things are well, some things are just in limbo.  but yesterday...wow.  what a day.  what a come down.

the drive itself was murder.  i'm just not really up for that anymore.  i'm not sure what exactly i would do if i were actually trying to live in my car, from area to area, working to get my name out as far as my writing goes.  Lonnie was also exhausted from the road. it happens.  but it made driving today an absolute chore.  got through it though, and the new route makes it easier, as its a single route and right now the hardest client, work-wise, is on vacation for the next 2 weeks. 

i have been thinking about the service yesterday, though.  i am thinking that Jehovah's Witnesses have a different take on the rituals of dying, since their view of death is so bare bones different from other religions i've encountered.  but they did honor to my brother as one of their family, and they spoke of the hope of the resurrection, which i could relate to.  they spoke of some of my brother's characteristics, which i didn't know about many of them. i didn't know, for example, that my brother loved to cook.  i don't know why that surprises me, but it did.  and it made me cry a little.  i've never cooked with my brother. i've cooked FOR 3 of my four brothers, and all my sibs have at one time or another eaten my food.  but how nice it would have been to work in a kitchen next to my brother.  and it made me wonder what other things did i not know about him?  i knew he loved music, i knew he loved certain kinds of reading.  whatever i didn't know, i'll never know now. and that is a sad, sad thought.

regardless, my dad's thing is saturday.  another thing i did yesterday was speak to my father, and again assure him that i know grief is very difficult for him.  guess it's not so important to maintain anger or even just tactical silence.  none of it will ease any of our grief; none of it will bring Rob back.

so, i'm going to wrap this up, get my ass through dinner and start shutting it down to be ready for tomorrow.  i thank Jehovah for this day, and i'll try to stay consistent.