Weary, Sad and Faithful

well, i went to the urologist for my follow up from the biopsy.  there are, as i think i said before, 2 spots of cancer in my prostate, not bad but, fuck, no cancer is really 'not bad', right?  my doctor is a good guy, he's good at being a doctor.  he's got a good manner, i should say.  he gave me facts, he made sure i was okay, he outlined the options and encouraged me to get a second opinion if i wasn't sure of his results.  i have no issue with his findings.  i just find the whole thing a bit...much, at the moment. 

i listened to him break down the side effects of a surgery to remove the prostate (strangely, lack of erection is not one of my concerns there), and the same with radiation.  i eventually asked him if he could arrange a sit-down with the radiation oncologist, and he said he would. 

i sat, listening to him, and i was aware my eyes were watering.  he noticed it as well, and handed me a box of tissue, and something in the kindness of the gesture caught me off-guard and i started crying, with my hand holding my head and covering my eyes, of course.  classic Tim-cry, as VF likely could attest (you'll have to read back to find out who that is...as if there was anyone reading here at all, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)
and what were the tears about?  because, its a lot.  a lot to process.  a lot to deal with, and i've been dealing with it.  day after day, with lethargy hounding me and depression making me coffee in the morning, with loneliness my bedpartner and a bunch of voices in my head for conversation, it's been weighty, solid and a burden.  and this was just one more thing, and i keep having one more fucking thing to deal with.  all the past year, one more thing, one more gauntlet that i run alone, one more life change, one more reset. i was overwhelmed.  and his kind gesture, which it was just a gesture but it was incredibly human also, just shook me off the side.  but i'm okay now.  well, i'm not, not really.  but i'm home, i'm in bed, i'm about to start shutting this noise down for the night.  i've eaten, dishes are done, and i'm ready for work tomorrow. 

i just want to stop having hurting things come to me while i'm trying not to fall apart, that's all.  but, that's not life on planet Earth, not now, not for me.  thank you regardless, Father, for i was not there when you created the Earth.