but it started earlier today, at my endocrinologist's office. there, i found that from my ER visit of a couple weeks ago to today, my weight has crept up to almost 400 again. and i have allowed this. in fact, i perpetuated it.
now, don't get me wrong. the depression is real, the lethargy is real. i've got a bed right next to my front door, for heaven's sake. but that's beside the point. i have conditioned myself to be a corpse on layaway, and i'm wondering why i feel like my life is just spooling out in real time before i see the day i die. what ego...what utter, contemptible ego.
today i saw that i have been excusing every damaging thing that i've been doing to myself. and what's the rationale for that? because i'm sad? because i'm lonely? because Rachel's not in my life anymore?
it's not bigger than that, but there's some parallel shit there too.
thing is, it's easy to give up. oh, so fucking easy. it's easy to buy the dessert, to eat the bread and starches, to not exercise, to discard an item of clothing. it's so easy to go to the fast food, to just cut away the world that doesn't fit like a shirt of a pair of pants.
it's so easy to make excuses, to pretend that it's only so bad, to not really face today.
but i'm killing myself by doing that. i'm killing my future, and my past is now a hostage to my self-pity.
i'm not really writing. i'm not trying to sell my works. i've got ideas galore, and i'm just letting them lay in the dust while i whine about my lot in life.
Fuck you, Tim.
i'm not going to be cheated this way.
but i'm not going to just throw myself under the train of emotional statement, either.
i'm going to come up with a plan, that will be decided on in prayer and will receive action and discipline.
and when i have that plan, this is going to become, once again, a tool.
but for now, i am thankful for discernment, and thankful that i haven't yet died of my own stupidity, because i've been fucking trying hard enough.
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