ANYwhooooo...
past couple days have been restive. i've been out, will be out shortly, but i've mostly been trying to do creative shit and thinking. the song is coming along, i need to get back to work on my serial fiction, and i've been sort of aching lately, but that's not really anything new either. one of the things i'm curious about is how much this cancer thing is going to take from me. as i stated before, my main deterrent is knowing how hard the prostate removal was on Lonnie. and he had people to help him through his day to day changes. i would have to do this pretty much solo. but the trade off is a question that makes it all seem stupid in reflection: what is your life worth to you? would you die to fuck, die to keep your pride for a few months or years longer, die to avoid immediate discomfort? would you die for lack of close friends and acquaintances? what would be worth my life to me? and i can't say any of those things have a great value to me right now. i can say that i want time with my grandson. but i have no control over any of that anyway. THY will, not mine, be done.
so, for now, i'm going to keep trying to make this all mean something, keep searching for the deeper roots in this field of flowers and weeds called 'life', and keep on keeping on one day at a time. cause what the fuck else is there?
i'm up, i've eaten, i've prayed, i've read and i've medicated. i've added to the song, watched some anime, and am about to type for a few. then i'm going to my meeting. i am so grateful for this day, and that's all i have to be grateful for today. thank you, Father.
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