well.  it's sunday night.  time to shut it down, almost.  a productive day?  mostly.  i didn't clean shit but the dishes this weekend.  i wrote, though.  i worked on my music though.  i had guests on friday for dinner, got food put aside for Da Boss, went to visit my parents and got to a meeting, though.  i feel pretty good, ain't complaining.  i could.  but i'm not, because it don't make sense.  somewhere in this fucked up city a father went after his daughter with an axe, because she stabbed him with a knife.  am i blessed?  absolutely.

hard getting up today.  spot of gout, took a prednisone with the allopurinol and colcrys, trying to get the jump on it.  took a gabapentin tonight, so sleep is on it's way.  it's some better, but i've had that happen before; feeling okay through sunday, then monday i can't walk without my cane.  kinda not feeling that right now.

i am thinking about some things.  thinking about how to start the day should Jehovah bless me with ambulation tomorrow.  thinking about getting up and taking a shower, since i shaved my head and face tonight.  thinking about getting on the damn floor and doing my exercises before i take my shower.  thinking about how i want to get a good mix on this song, and it's coming along, and i really want to get this one right.  i see no career in this, but i see that creativity is wanting to use me, and i love being in that state.

i must be accountable.  i must be disciplined.  most of all, i must love myself.  i must love myself.  i must love myself. 

should i awaken tomorrow, it begins.  thank you, Father. 

FUCK YOU, TIM, says toti

practically how i heard it in my head today.  fuck you, Tim.  fuck this bullshit you're doing to yourself.  fuck your depression, fuck your inertia and your excuses to come home and eat and just lay in bed like some kind of fucking invertebrate. and i have no real argument for this.  so i have to write, and i have to get started.  and to tell the truth, the start began with hearing that. 

but it started earlier today, at my endocrinologist's office.  there, i found that from my ER visit of a couple weeks ago to today, my weight has crept up to almost 400 again.  and i have allowed this.  in fact, i perpetuated it. 

now, don't get me wrong.  the depression is real, the lethargy is real.  i've got a bed right next to my front door, for heaven's sake.  but that's beside the point.  i have conditioned myself to be a corpse on layaway, and i'm wondering why i feel like my life is just spooling out in real time before i see the day i die.  what ego...what utter, contemptible ego.

today i saw that i have been excusing every damaging thing that i've been doing to myself.  and what's the rationale for that?  because i'm sad?  because i'm lonely?  because Rachel's not in my life anymore? 

it's not bigger than that, but there's some parallel shit there too.

thing is, it's easy to give up.  oh, so fucking easy.  it's easy to buy the dessert, to eat the bread and starches, to not exercise, to discard an item of clothing.  it's so easy to go to the fast food, to just cut away the world that doesn't fit like a shirt of a pair of pants. 

it's so easy to make excuses, to pretend that it's only so bad, to not really face today. 

but i'm killing myself by doing that.  i'm killing my future, and my past is now a hostage to my self-pity. 

i'm not really writing. i'm not trying to sell my works.  i've got ideas galore, and i'm just letting them lay in the dust while i whine about my lot in life.

Fuck you, Tim.

i'm not going to be cheated this way. 

but i'm not going to just throw myself under the train of emotional statement, either.

i'm going to come up with a plan, that will be decided on in prayer and will receive action and discipline.

and when i have that plan, this is going to become, once again, a tool.

but for now, i am thankful for discernment, and thankful that i haven't yet died of my own stupidity, because i've been fucking trying hard enough. 

Weary, Sad and Faithful

well, i went to the urologist for my follow up from the biopsy.  there are, as i think i said before, 2 spots of cancer in my prostate, not bad but, fuck, no cancer is really 'not bad', right?  my doctor is a good guy, he's good at being a doctor.  he's got a good manner, i should say.  he gave me facts, he made sure i was okay, he outlined the options and encouraged me to get a second opinion if i wasn't sure of his results.  i have no issue with his findings.  i just find the whole thing a bit...much, at the moment. 

i listened to him break down the side effects of a surgery to remove the prostate (strangely, lack of erection is not one of my concerns there), and the same with radiation.  i eventually asked him if he could arrange a sit-down with the radiation oncologist, and he said he would. 

i sat, listening to him, and i was aware my eyes were watering.  he noticed it as well, and handed me a box of tissue, and something in the kindness of the gesture caught me off-guard and i started crying, with my hand holding my head and covering my eyes, of course.  classic Tim-cry, as VF likely could attest (you'll have to read back to find out who that is...as if there was anyone reading here at all, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)
and what were the tears about?  because, its a lot.  a lot to process.  a lot to deal with, and i've been dealing with it.  day after day, with lethargy hounding me and depression making me coffee in the morning, with loneliness my bedpartner and a bunch of voices in my head for conversation, it's been weighty, solid and a burden.  and this was just one more thing, and i keep having one more fucking thing to deal with.  all the past year, one more thing, one more gauntlet that i run alone, one more life change, one more reset. i was overwhelmed.  and his kind gesture, which it was just a gesture but it was incredibly human also, just shook me off the side.  but i'm okay now.  well, i'm not, not really.  but i'm home, i'm in bed, i'm about to start shutting this noise down for the night.  i've eaten, dishes are done, and i'm ready for work tomorrow. 

i just want to stop having hurting things come to me while i'm trying not to fall apart, that's all.  but, that's not life on planet Earth, not now, not for me.  thank you regardless, Father, for i was not there when you created the Earth. 

Day Off Tomorrow (Yay!)

picture positioning will have to do.

attempting to get back to it, I guess.  it's Tuesday night.  work was okay.  had to train a new guy on my route, as I am off tomorrow.  I didn't request the entire day off, but it was given to me, and I guess i'll not complain or look a gift horse in the mouth.  \

it wasn't a bad day.  in fact, it was fairly ideal.  but there's an air at my job, a discomfort that isn't easy to deal with or shake.  one of the clients told me the ops manager told him another driver was about to be fired, which would be a serious breach of etiquette, at the very least.  and it leaves a great deal of uncertainty.  like, did I just train a dude to take my position when they fire me?  hard to say.

anyway, i'm working on my song, it's getting good to me so i'm going to get back to it.  i'm thankful that I was able to write this, thankful for the day regardless of the apprehension, and thankful for the things I don't know passed me by.

Out of Whack

...troublesome admission, but necessary.  i'm not regular here anymore, and that's some bullshit on my part.  but it is truly unfathomable to me.  i have time.  i get in from work, i make my dinner, i eat, and i watch anime and pass out.  that's still my life.  i'm not overly depressed at the moment; the heavy cloud cover has lifted.  but i am not structured still; i have no regimen, not exercising, not doing anything more than usual. 

i did go to my boss' house on Saturday, out of the ordinary but to no real good purpose.  i hung for a bit, went to the store and came home.  Sunday, i went to my meeting, came home, had dinner with my brother and a friend of his and then went to sleep.  yesterday, pretty much the same.  the waking routine was okay, work wasn't bad, washed clothes at my parent's house, made my mom and dad chicken at my mom's request for their dinner, finished the work day, came home, cooked, watched anime.  the weather has gotten chilled, the days are short again, it's dark when i get up, dark when i roll out.  i start my route in morning gloom and before the third pickup the glaring sunrise is in my windshield. 

i'm not complaining, mind you.  i am okay, but this is a Journey, to be documented regularly, and i am failing to do so.  this is not something that i jot a note from time to time.  i'm not going to beat myself savagely, ain't that kind of party.  i'm going to try to do better, apologize to Jehovah, to toti and to my external self (as well as any concerned parties who may read here) for my lack of discipline, and try to do better.  and i am going to remain grateful for the days, as much as i can, so that i can keep moving forward. 

thank you, Father.  i appreciate this time to get this stuff out. 

Saturday Morning

well, it's a new day, another weekend, and i'm trying to be productive.  it's not easy; it's cold enough today that my furnace kicked on by itself, and it's a dreary and sullen day.  but i'm going to keep on pushing; got a thing to do tonight and some things to do before then, so it's not a day for laying in the bed or sitting on my ass either.

yesterday was okay.  I felt good anyway.  I got up sluggish, which is prone to happen anymore.  I said prayers and got my day started, skipping breakfast as I do lately.  I read my books and got my ass dressed and got to work, but I stopped and got donuts for the people there at Walmart first.  \

the morning run was okay, picked up all but one, got them to the workshops safely, got back to the shop and got to counseling, which I was able to do an hour early.  I went to my parent's house afterward, made my mom an omelet, talked with her for a bit, same stuff as always, and I got myself some TB for lunch and went back to work.  the tone of the day changed a bit at that point, as I continue to watch from the outside of the dog and pony show that goes on at work.  it sounds judgmental, and it is, and likely ungracious, which could also be true, but that's what it feels like.  we're so busy there trying to find ways to help the corporation get bigger cuts from the Medicaid pot that we don't even take care of our own basic shit.  and I watch as people vie for hours (that, I learned recently, they don't even get time and a half for), not so much to augment their own checks, but just to stay in the loop with the ops manager.  but that's their affair.  I tried to be myself and be friendly; maybe the two concepts just aren't compatible.  \

regardless, I got the 2nd run done, got gas in my bus to start the week, got back, got my hours calculated and made my way home.  I had stuff at home to cook so I didn't bother with the store.  I cooked when I got in, ate my dinner and mostly laid around for the rest of the night.

at some point Lonnie called, but i didn't answer.  at some point, Yvette called, and i definitely didn't answer, not having heard from her since she got in the habit of hanging up on me and acting like i was inconveniencing her when i called.  tired of people's shit, and since i'm tired of my own i don't have a problem with that.  i slept brokenly, woke horny and cold and got the day started. 

so far, i've recorded some vocals, about to start on the detective fiction i started, i've had breakfast, got dishes washed and am contemplating going to the store.  have a thing at the ops manager's house this evening, i'm going to stop through and keep it moving mostly.  just to be sociable, not to be a part of.  and that's about where it is today.  i am grateful to Jehovah for life, and for letting me finish Job, understanding that mine is NOT to question why...

Adventure Time! (not the cartoon)

 so, yes, it was an interesting day yesterday.  while it was normal in most aspects, it had a storybook middle. 
i got up and got it started with the readings and the medicine, got out the house, got to work, did my first runs, easy enough.  i came home and rested and ate and got back to work, feeling okay.  got out on the streets, picked up my clients and started to do drop offs.  before the first drop off, we heard on the bus a warning about possible tornado activity in Ashtabula as well as somewhere close to Akron, so i figured better get them home, but no big deal.  after i got the first client home and was rolling toward the second, i got a call from the office, asking if i was okay.  i thought i'd done something else wrong in someone's eyes, and the call went dead.  i called back and was told that there were reports of tornado activity in Newton Falls, which is where i was heading with 3 of my clients.  i hadn't heard anything about Newton Falls, but i said i'd stay in touch.  i got the 2nd client dropped off, and i had told all of them about what the office had reported, because i didn't want them driving into any surprises, finding anyone they cared about hurt without knowing the possibility.  but, in entering Newton Falls, we found no damage at all...not even signs of rain.  i got the last three dropped off, contacted the last one's parents to make sure they were home, and i got on the road.  then i heard the accurate report:  possible tornado activity in Trumbull county, in Champion, Warren, Howland, etc.  I got on 82 coming back toward Girard and drove into an increasingly dark sky. 

now, what's interesting is, on my way to Newton Falls in the morning, i encountered a fog bank almost exclusively over Newton Falls.  it encompassed my entire route, to an extent.  it lifted by the time i'd got them to their workshops, but i found it strange, an isolated, all encompassing fog.  so, to hear that there was tornado possibilities in Newton Falls, i thought maybe there was just increased pressure in that vicinity. 

but, in Champion, it was like a black tear in the sky, a rip through a summer day of dark material.  the wind increased, the rain increased, the bus was rocking and visibility decreased.  i'd been told the schools and workshops had locked down for the kids and client's safety.  i rolled steadily through, my vehicle empty, saying only "Your will be done, Father", until i came through Champion and by the time i was in Warren, it had mostly cleared up again.  i made it back, thanked God, turned in my bus and finished my day. 

i am glad that i was watched over, and i am glad that my clients made it home safely.  it was a stressful adventure, but it is over and the new day has begun.  thank you again, Jehovah, for bringing us through.

Forgetting...

I'm not sure what the problem is, but there is one.  there's nothing i can do about it right now, so i have to accept it until clarity comes.  but to pretend it doesn't exist is foolishness, and i will not voluntarily be anyone's fool.  not anymore. 

i've not written in a few days.  on tuesday i was feeling sick again.  yesterday i had a visit from my child, her other and my grandson.  but those things don't preempt discipline.  i also have yet to resume on my book or finish my song.  so there are things going on internally that require some attention.  but since i know there is love that worries about me when i am silent, a word before work.

somehow, in my mind, i got it mixed up that my appointment with my urologist was on Friday, when in fact it was on Tuesday.  i was in my bed, laying down feeling pretty shitty, when the alarm sounded for the appointment.  i don't know if it's just not wanting to hear anything more about this situation or if it really was a huge slip in my mind.  anyway, my new appointment is on Wednesday, the 26th, at 3pm.  i've requested the afternoon off that day to tend to this.  it made me feel truly bad to have forgotten, mostly because it makes me question my mental stability.  but time goes on. 

i've been praying, i've been eating better.  i need to get back to some physical activity still.  the weather continues to change, and i continue to try to keep up with it.  work goes well enough, though i've had some rough moments in the past 2 days, but it's all been dealing with other people.  sugar's been running a bit high, but i attest that to a need to be more physically active.  the loneliness lingers, but i don't feel it as a heavy weight right now, just a presence in my life.  i guess i'm doing okay, therefore. 

it's Thursday morning.  my plan is to drive this morning, come home for a rest and lunch and finish the day.  it's a good enough plan for today.  i thank God for life and thought today, for the presence to put this down and be grateful before i roll. 

Elderly Time Skips

yeah, feeling pretty dumb.  i been logging on the wrong page.  thought i was putting down my movement on the Journey, but it's been on the Dining Room.  guess there is some truth to senility being a sneaky bastard.  but anyway, if you want the results of my biopsy and all that, go to the Dining Room, linked here, and you can find them on the entries NOT related to my eating habits.  sorry about the confusion. 

ANYwhooooo...

past couple days have been restive.  i've been out, will be out shortly, but i've mostly been trying to do creative shit and thinking.  the song is coming along, i need to get back to work on my serial fiction, and i've been sort of aching lately, but that's not really anything new either.  one of the things i'm curious about is how much this cancer thing is going to take from me.  as i stated before, my main deterrent is knowing how hard the prostate removal was on Lonnie.  and he had people to help him through his day to day changes.  i would have to do this pretty much solo.  but the trade off is a question that makes it all seem stupid in reflection:  what is your life worth to you?  would you die to fuck, die to keep your pride for a few months or years longer, die to avoid immediate discomfort? would you die for lack of close friends and acquaintances? what would be worth my life to me?  and i can't say any of those things have a great value to me right now.   i can say that i want time with my grandson.  but i have no control over any of that anyway.  THY will, not mine, be done. 

so, for now, i'm going to keep trying to make this all mean something, keep searching for the deeper roots in this field of flowers and weeds called 'life', and keep on keeping on one day at a time.  cause what the fuck else is there?

i'm up, i've eaten, i've prayed, i've read and i've medicated.  i've added to the song, watched some anime, and am about to type for a few.  then i'm going to my meeting.  i am so grateful for this day, and that's all i have to be grateful for today.  thank you, Father.

The Hang

Want to get this in before i leave today.  it's Tuesday morning now.  I should have done this yesterday evening, but i shut down early, tired, still struggling with this cold.  yesterday was pretty textbook, except for the exhaustion.  i got up and said prayer and ate and took medicines and read meditations and bible.  i've been working on Job lately; i love the realization that it is a story that Moses was telling rather than a tale of an actual person.  i got dressed and took trash out and clothes to be washed and my bag with my notes for the route and got to work.  i was tired and annoyed, but i didn't let that get in the way.  i was also thinking, to be honest, about how to get out of this job and into something else, just because the weariness i'm feeling seems to be trying to dictate something to me.  but i did the route, i remembered my directions from four days prior and got everyone there on time.  that made me feel good.  we had a meeting after the morning runs; things changing again for no real good reason, but da Boss raised the point of us needing real policy on stopping at railroad crossings, as well as some idiotic notion that someone has espoused that we can strap wheelchairs in sideways in order to 'more efficiently utilize space', is what it sounds like to me.  i listened, interested, but only slightly.  i'm not going to buckle anyone in sideways to make room for additional chairs when we don't even have aides to help with the people we already have to drive and look out for.

i got to my parent's house, got clothes into the wash and talked to my mom for a bit.  she was worried, which is what she does.  strange things happening there as well, something with my sister and her daughter, but i'm not asking for details and am staying out of it. my mother, as so many of us, seems to need drama to thrive, and i just refuse to partake in that.  i got my clothes into the dryer, got most of my turn by turns done on the house computer and i gathered my things and got back to work.  the afternoon was longer, having to work with my wheelchair client who is very specific in his needs from his driver (really could use an aide with him) and a train in Lordstown that blocked the tracks for the better part of ten minutes going backwards and forward.  then i got moving, got everyone dropped off, didn't get lost getting home this time.  i came in, got my dinner done, watched an anime series i've been into and eventually crashing. 

it was just a tiring day, getting back into my rhythm.  i'm not sorry for the time off, nor has it taken as much away from me as i was afraid it would.  i'm glad i'm enjoying working, and think it is beneficial to me mentally.  but i do believe it's time to look into moving on.  so that's going to become a part of my doings at this point.  still have other things to tend to as well.  i'm immensely grateful, however, to Jehovah, for the provisions of the days prior to this one, and this one especially, as at this moment it is all i have, and all i need. 

a long 4 days

i know.  it's been a little while.  this is Monday morning, September 10th.  it's cold, i have had to turn my furnace on.  i think the last time I wrote was on Thursday.  a lot has transpired, and even on Thursday a lot was going on.  a recap, but only briefly, as today i return to work. 

so, thursday, i went in for my prostate biopsy.  i did give a description of that, not going to embellish on it.  i spent the remainder of that day in bed, trying to get over the procedure.  it wasn't as hard as i'd imagined it would be, as hard as my friend told me it could be.  at least, not on Thursday it wasn't.  i rested, watched some stuff on Hulu, ate and used the bathroom.  pretty much the itinerary.
Friday was more of the same, with the exception of going to counseling, which was cool, as i got some apples and tried some h'challah bread for the first time, dropping in to see my parents (mom, anyway), though i still have not and have no plans to tell them of what's going on in that arena, and i got to the store, as i needed some things for the house, not many thankfully, because the money is short this month.  otherwise, i was home, doing my thing, living my life and trying to keep recovering from the biopsy. 
Saturday, now.  Saturday was eventful.  the temperature had dropped, another of those 'Fall will arrive on a specific day, so prepare yourself' kind of things.  i woke with a headache, which i thought was the cold i was still nursing from last week.  i took some meds, went back to sleep, and woke with chills.  i did the usual stuff, not sure what was going on, and i got my downstairs cleaned, which needed it.  i felt worse as the day progressed, and i recalled that i was supposed to call my urologist if i had flu-like symptoms, as it could indicate sepsis from the biopsy.  by evening, the chill was more pronounced, i was hurting in my joints, and in the ER at ST. E's.  that was just after 7 that i checked in.  it was after 12 midnight that i left after signing AMA papers, as they told me early in that the blood and labwork found no infection, that the ekg found nothing irregular and the x-ray did not show anything wrong, as my blood pressure, though high when i'd come in, had normalized, my heart rate was good and they were running another bag of 80 dollar salt water into me.  AND wanted to perform a CT scan to determine if i might have a blood clot.  i declined with an attitude.  not the best thing to do, i'll admit, but the truth.  i stopped at Taco Bell, got some food, went home, ate and went to bed.
yesterday, i did nothing.  i'd told Marc i wasn't going to be at the meeting, so i took my time getting up.  i ate, i watched a series on Hulu i've been digging, i nodded in and out.  the chills were (and are) gone, the furnace has been turned on, i've done what i could to minimize movement. 

it's now Monday.  work is ahead.  i've prayed.  i wanted to get this in  i'm going to start my routine now.  but i had to get something down here, as you have to resume when you can and stay in good habits, cause they're so hard to come by, so easy to break and so much harder to resume (re: gym).  i'm grateful to Jehovah for watching over me through a very long weekend, and grateful for whatever the day brings. 

Friday Morning (time to move)

Wednesday morning, misty fields,
mysteries the day will yield,
with a treasure boarded snug,
across lands with birds and bugs,
to the destinations laid,
for this journey, poorly paid,
waiting for invasive hands
to pillage my personal lands...

a small ditty about wednesday morning.

so, it's friday now.  i feel okay.  it's morning, so that could rapidly change, but for the moment, i'm not complaining.  i woke without pain, which is nice considering my prostate is perforated now.  i went through most of yesterday without much pain either, which was a blessed relief.  i don't intend to yield my extra day off, as my doctor told me to rest.  but i'm going to work on some things today, and i'm going to start getting caught up on the missing days. 

like, i have to admit, yesterday was nerve wracking early on.  i was scared, and i admit that freely.  scared of the procedure, scared of the discovery (still to come), scared to go through with it.  everything in me just about was screaming to just cancel, just not go.  but God is smarter than me, every day.  he sent Lonnie with me to make certain i would have support.  funny how it never even dawned on me to ask anyone for support.  but i knew it was out there.  I knew the Boss was praying for me, i knew Vera would be asking about how things went.  I knew Deja was worried.  i didn't tell Syd; feel like potentially horrible news is the eldest child's burden to bear and disseminate when the time is right.  and i knew Lonnie would be there through it all, as he always is.  best friend right now. 

but i was still scared, because it wasn't any of them up on the table, it was me.  the enema was weird, administering one's own enema is a strange and unholy business.  i did it and had bubble guts for the rest of the morning.  i didn't turn off my alarm, just as i didn't turn it off today either, and i also didn't eat or have any coffee, just half a glass of water to take my medicine with.  then i laid around until it was time to go. 

the actual procedure was fairly quick, but it all happened in my ass.  that was a funny sentence.  i was numbed, scoped, ultra-sounded and perforated.  i joked, the doctor joked, and he calmed my fears nicely.  it was done, i cleaned myself up and Lonnie and i went to breakfast and then i came home.  spent the rest of the day on the toilet, but not with any huge amounts of blood.  i had dinner that evening, i felt pretty good, slept pretty well and am up starting the new day.  i have counseling in about 5 hours, have a 12th step to do with a pigeon, and am going to get a few things from the store this morning.  so, a typical day, with it's ups and its down, with some new sensations and experiences added in.  a new day, blessed with breath, and excited for the possibilities this day brings.  i am grateful that part of this procedure is done, and i place my gratitude and the results in Jehovah's hands, because he is always looking out for  my best interest. 

been sick...

sorry, legitimately this time.  got a summer cold/flu, fucking me all the way up.  all i can do to keep working right now.  i'll catch up asap, but i got to keep it moving.  i'm grateful to Jehovah for life, though it is through a clogged filter at the moment.  laterrrrr...

Autumnal Prelude

 i've been busy, by God's grace.

let's start from Friday, since i didn't log then.  i worked, got through the work day without another incident, i had counseling, which i'm pretty sure i slept through most of, i saw my mom and dad and now have plans to grill on Monday at their house, i contacted a mechanic about my car, and made plans to go out to see him on Saturday.  i slept, but again, not long enough. 

yesterday, i got up with my usual rituals, i had breakfast, and i made plans to go to PA to see Scott, my nephew's mechanic.  still having this 'hesitation' thing, where i know i have to do something and my mind and body resist movement.  it's actually happening at this moment, so working on this is part of changing the momentum.  anyway, i went to Scott's house, nice land, pretty country, found changing the ball joint and control arm may not really be the issue as to the loudness of my car, but the ball joint boot (rubber sleeve, i'm assuming) and the bushings are likely the culprit.  the brakes, however, were dangerously bad, so i did get them done, and i'm happy about that. 

i went to the store in Struthers, got some ribs and some greens and stuff to augment what i had for a pasta salad.  i got home, rested as i was tired, put together the salad for my meeting today and my parent's house tomorrow, eventually got my broth for my greens on the stove and the greens into a wash and i ate dinner and nodded out. 

this morning, i'm up, the greens are cleaned, cut and cooking, i'm going to go to the store after my meeting, find my chicken, beef ribs, maybe a couple bundles of turnip greens to toss in my pot with the collards.  i'm going to prep my meat.  i've got to make sure there's charcoal at the house.  i'm going to my meeting, going to get some more writing done (been working on my book this morning).  didn't get an abundance of sleep so i'm going to take it as easy as i can.  last whole day off before i got to prep for work.  i feel okay, just a bit lethargic.  i want to move on some things, but i'm waiting for the inspiration to come on most of them.  but it's a meeting day, a pot luck, cooking, some creativity and feeling blessed.  so i can't really ask for much more, you know?  i thank my Heavenly Father for the blessing of life today.