thoughts

it's pretty early on thursday, in the evening though.  i've been pretty quiet today.  i couldn't really get to writing, as i am trying to get into R's mind and write a section in what would be an accurate voice for her.  i've done the gym, said prayers, had breakfast and lunch and i'm in some pain in my left knee, arthritis from this creeping cold that just won't let go.  i don't really feel bad, and i'm not celebratory.  i'm just thinking.

i've got two jobs coming.  i have been unemployed for about 9 years now.  if they hadn't fucked me at West, I would have happily kept working for them.  but it was in the end my fault.  not because i did wrong on the job, but because i didn't take my health more seriously.  if i'd been vigilant before West, the CHF would likely not be an issue now.

i've been talking to Syd's mother again.  not heavy, just exchanging pleasantries.  she asks what i think about Syd's boyfriend.  i have nothing to say, it's not a conversation she should attempt to engage in.  because though she's biologically Syd's mom, she has done nothing as a mother except pay child support.  if she wants to know, she should ask Syd.  but she also tells me she's leaving for Arizona in January.  i wonder if i'm supposed to care.  i only know that i don't, except as to the difficulty in keeping her paying her support.  but again, i'm not concerned right now.  i wish there was something more between us.  feels like there should be.  we made a child, but she made two with other guys and i guess there's nothing there for her either.  how lonely that must be for her.

i listen to R, and she's kind of all over the place.  she fusses but it has no legs beneath it.  she talks about how her mother runs her all over the place, how her daughters do as well, but she is constantly on the go.  she is going to Jamaica and she's spending money she doesn't really have, and she's still sleeping on a couch.  i know her cousin dying and turning 40 are weighing on her mind, as well as the revelations she's experienced being around her father last year.  but it seems that sometimes you have to just let go, put the good foot down on the solid ground and get ready to walk as hard as you can.   i'll be here for her though.  she's good people, she's just not really there for herself right now, and you can't expect more of a person than they give themselves.

i have paid my main bills.  i've ordered literature and anniversary chips for wednesday's meeting.  i am on the hunt for 12 and 12's at a cheap price.  i go to counseling tomorrow.  i'm going to get to the gym and do the elliptical, because i have a feeling it will be easier than the treadmill.  but we'll see how we feel in the morning.  i guess it's just doing what comes next.  i'm very blessed, and i'm thankful to Jehovah for the doors that are opening...and the ones that are shut.  i just wanted to get this in.