it is the dawn. in the ensuing time, one of my brightest north stars, Prince Rogers Nelson, has died/been murdered. I include the slash as i'm not prepared to believe the media on such things. however, death is the inevitable conclusion of life, and that he lived and studied and was baptized Jehovah's Witness, I know his hope in the resurrection into a new and perfect system of things, and I grieve but at the same time, i don't fear his safekeeping. he is in Good Hands now.
this is the dawn. this is the beginning. the orbital trajectory has been recalculated, the calibrations are in place and we begin. first section: the gym.
it's Monday, April 25, and I went to the gym this morning. I was on the phone with TP so I spoke to her until I couldn't wait any longer and I told her I'd call her back. today was a cardio day. I've been away from the gym for about two weeks, a bit longer, so that i did a mile on the treadmill and wasn't falling apart was a good thing. tomorrow will be weights. assessment: my knee is twinging, has been since yesterday. could be a recurrence of gout, so I will treat with Colcrys and cherry juice today.
menu for today:
breakfast will be two boiled eggs and one piece of toast
lunch: spinach salad with a boiled egg, cheese, tomato, onion and half a grilled chicken breast, with six crackers.
dinner: leftover chicken and dumplings.
will know snack once i get out of the house, likely sugar free jello tonight.
primary entry -
i woke up well, but i could feel the reluctance to start the day at the gym. inertial is a demonic construct, to be sure, but having bad habits and a poor or waning work ethic does most of the demon's work for it. I didn't listen to it, but i did hesitate while i was on the phone with TP. i have to focus on getting done what i need to get done. TP attempted to engage me in a conversation about not answering my phone, but i don't get into discussions about why i do what i do anymore. not with friends anyway, unless we have at least a twenty-year foundation in place.
the creativity is high right now, and things are going well. R has come by, and i've spent time over the last two days. we spoke about some things yesterday, with her allowing me to know that there are still reluctance moments for her concerning intimacy. i had been thinking on that in the previous days, as in writing my new book of which my friendship/relationship with her is the core theme, i've found that i'm writing a love story that doesn't have any sex in it. it is a strange realization, an odd metamorphosis to discover about oneself. i told her that her significance to me has evolved, developed and formed without a structure of overt sexuality in it, and that i am not now inclined, at 48 years old, to try to develop a new sexuality. i am not becoming impotent, but my libido is nowhere near what it was. the years of inactivity, the weight gain and the sickness (chf, diabetes, etc) have wrecked havoc on my sexual desire and momentum. and it's not such a big deal. i can take care of myself, in every way, and i love just having people in my life in the capacity of good friends. to have individuals to break bread with, to create art and music and poetry, to have discussions and to share laughter and sadness...i've had more than enough sex in my life, but there's never enough culture or art. so, i shared with her than i want her for exactly who she is. but i also said that if she doesn't want to kiss me then she shouldn't have shown me she's such a good kisser. strange dichotomy.
anyway, i am going to find Todd at the Help Hotline today and see about a job. i'm going to deliver extra chicken and dumplings to my family, to Lonnie and i'm going to get to cleaning my utility room later in the day. i think i'm feeling pretty good. i'm glad that i am blessed with life, and I need to begin to show more gratitude for this state of existence.
day's end:
it was a good day. snack ended up being salsa and tortilla chips. ate as planned otherwise. went to HH to do a training on a phone job. would be easy work but it is basically volunteer and not many hours. but. everything begins somewhere, and there is great nobility in simple work. someone famous said something like that, can't remember exactly who right now. talked to TF, talked to TP, talked to R. checked on when my title arrives so i can get my tags for the car. nothing much on the agenda tomorrow. i feel pretty good about the new trajectory. I know Jehovah had blessed me. i'm going to sleep now, as it's getting late and i have to get up or the gym. good night.
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