morning drifting

(this entry was written on April 26th.  I don't know why i didn't post it, but i am posting it with this notice because i'm trying to stay consistent and honest)

I started today as well as I should have.  I didn't kneel to pray, because in the early morning cramps were setting in, but i did sit on the edge of my bed and bow my head and give the day to God.  Then i got my gym clothes on and had a cup of coffee.  I opened the door to rain and warmth and felt, for the first time, that spring is here.  I went to the gym for half an hour, working on weight machines.  I came home and began editing THE GIRL BEHIND THE GLASS's cover, wanting to redo the cover that i did yesterday with different font.  after Syd left for school i had breakfast and began to plot out the rest of the day.

breakfast was:  two egg omelet with peppers, onion, diced ham and pepper jack cheese and one biscuit.

Lunch:  thinking a chicken salad (as I still have a breast prepared from yesterday) and soup.

Dinner:  pork chops, baked sweet potato and zucchini.

I did the butterfly press machine, the seated curl machine, the calf developer, the seated bench press and the leg press set at 350.  my knee felt a bit wonky but nothing major.

early speculation.  i now have two books pretty much in the can.  i have more books that i intend to write.  i am going to work on poetry for SOCIOPATHETIC while i get my promotional material and creations together.  this is going to work, but i have to do it in the way that people are accustomed to receiving information these days.  I'd spoken to VF about it a few months ago, that I knew how to do this but I just wanted for once to do things because i could and have someone respond to the quality of my work.  the adult part of me, accustomed to pain, wants to think that there is no 'quality to my work' and then i can feel sorry for myself.  but toti knows better.  i'm a good writer and i'm getting better.  so it's time to focus on becoming a good marketer, a good salesman and a good self-promoter.  that's when this will start to fall in place.  and there's nothing wrong with focusing on how to be successful, because that's the only way it's going to happen.

so, we'll see what the day brings.  waiting for cable guy, should be here by 10, about to run to the store for dinner stuff and lunch stuff and i'm doing the big chill.  more later maybe.

senility

I have a feeling this is going to be a well-used title for some of these upcoming blogs.  so maybe this is Senility 1, with more to come.  but i'll get into that later.

I didn't get back into my journal yesterday.  I spent the rest of the day in a contemplative mode, which lent itself mostly to editing The Girl Behind the Glass rather than writing.  and that was good, because the editing is done now and i have to focus on marketing myself, my brand and my books.  but i did stay pretty much on course with what i wanted to eat, and I did go to the gym.  I just made a horrible calculation and have to readjust many things so that i don't end up having a bad weekend.

case in point (getting the senility thing out of the way), i had made plans around the probability of being paid today, that is to say, my SSD and our SSI money being in.  Money THAT LANDS ON THE THIRD.  unless the third of the month happens to fall on a saturday or a sunday, in which case the money lands on the friday before the weekend.  so, i had plans to pay my rent early.  to get my tags for my car.  to go to columbus.  to get coffee because i'm almost out (GASP!) to do things that need to be done, in other words.  and none of that is getting done BECAUSE MY MONEY DOESN'T LAND UNTIL TUESDAY.  i also have to reschedule with Lane funeral home to come bring the initial check on Wednesday morning, very likely, as i won't have the money on monday when my appointment is.  wouldn't that be sad?  if my final plans were cancelled for lack of funds?  that's funny.

anyway.  i also was thinking of giving R some money, as she's going to Jamaica this coming week and she is broke.  but as we've been, for the past 48 hours, on eggshells again, i am not inclined to go out of my way on this.  we are fencing without swords, because i don't need one and i'm not going to let her cut me.  getting too old for this.  literally.

anyway...

went to the gym, worked legs and upper body.  saturday and sunday off, or i may cut the grass again.

meals today:
breakfast:  omelet and oatmeal.  i'm craving oatmeal.
lunch: leftover Tex-Mex chicken bake over linguine, i'm thinking.
Dinner:  unknown just yet.

my mood today is somber, it matches the weather.  i have to call insta-copy to see how much they'll charge to run a copy of my manuscript that I can give to R to read.  i have a feeling it will be more cost effective than printing it myself, and then needing to go buy more ink.  i'm going to run a bath with epsom salt, soak my legs as they've been sore for three days following the leg press machine (far too much time away from the gym) and i'm going to keep my running to a minimum.  nothing much planned for the weekend.  my younger brother will be in today, so i'll get around to seeing him at some point.  i guess i feel pretty okay.  middle of the road kind of emotions.

I'm going to work on cleaning my house today also.  just so i can more or less relax and not feel compelled to run away and do money spending things.  more later.

almost 10 at night.  i've nodded for a bit, so i need to get this finished before i go down for the big sleep.
it's been an okay day.  i didn't get much cleaning done.  i got what i needed and i got the manuscript printed for R.  i got a few supplies.  i have to finish making the adjustments so i can tend to my business next week.  i have to find some extra money to help Syd, as her prom is Friday coming.  dad stuff.
R came by, got the book, hung for a while.  we didn't do much talking.  i'm on eggshells again, but what i feel is in her hands.  if she runs, she runs for good.  i won't chase her.
i guess i just want to have some things i can count on.  i don't know if that's really too much to ask, but it feels like it is at times.
tomorrow i'll clean and i'll go see my younger brother.  tomorrow i'll see about money for Syd and readjust with the funeral home.  tomorrow.  if i am blessed to see tomorrow.  your will, Father, not mine.  good night.

steady as she goes...

Thursday morning.  I had some leg cramps last night, and the tops of my calves, right beneath my knees, are hurting, as they hurt yesterday.  likely from the leg press machine on Tuesday.  it's not going to kill me, i don't think, but it is a discomfort.
today is less running, but i'm going to start after I finish this entry.  discipline only happens when you stick to the script.  I have to go get my car title so i can get my tags tomorrow.  I have to go to the store.  Lunch with Lonnie.  I need supplies.  and I have to write today, work on poetry for the book.  I've not spoken to R yet, but I intend to.  decided I didn't want to feel any worse about something that I know nothing about yesterday, so i didn't call when i got out of training.  i just came home and finished the day.  but i can feel the urge to run.  sink or swim, feast or famine.  when you have, everyone wants to give you.  When you lack, no one answers the phone.  funny shit.

anyway...

breakfast was an omelet and a piece of toast.  used three eggs today, because i'm emotional.  onions, ham, mushrooms and a slice of gouda.

dinner is going to be chicken breasts, the rest of my zucchini, maybe some rice.

lunch is not known yet as i'm having lunch with Lonnie.

i went to the gym this morning.  i walked 1.25 miles.  burned just over 300 calories.

i feel sad today for some reason.  i guess i run this gamut over and over with R.  will she just let down her walls, let herself be with me and enjoy having someone who is not going to try to fence her in?  or is the hurt so great that it simply has to happen in the most painful way possible?  i can't keep doing this is all i know.  at 48, i don't have enough life left to continue pursuing the hypothetical.  more on that later.

i have to go, the morning is getting away from me.

time is (not) on my side...

...no suicidal notions here.  just remarking that i have run late in my journaling today, and am trying to get done so i can put my ass to sleep.
it was a full day, not really busy but just back to back stuff.  i got up with my prayer and i got Syd out the door with a note for her dentist appointment.  i had coffee, breakfast, meds and a bath.  i went to have coffee with TP who will be leaving this weekend, i believe.  from there I went to the meeting, set up and went to get donuts for the meeting.  the lead was good, a gentleman i've known since i got clean and who i'd never heard his story before.  when the meeting was done i locked everything up and got gone, heading to Warren to meet Syd and Jo there for her dentist appointment.  got the dentist out of the way, came home long enough to put something small in my face and head back out to the HH training class.  came in from that at 6, had dinner, and laid down which is where i am now.  i didn't write out a menu beforehand because i didn't know how the eating would go.  i am going to chart it now because i have to stay honest and disciplined.

breakfast was scrambled eggs and a piece of toast.
lunch was spread out.  before the meeting, a chicken breast and leg.  after meeting, chicken rings from BK.  after dentist, half a chicken sandwich on one slice of bread.  at training class, two small bags of Wise popcorn (14 g carbs total).  dinner, a pork chop and green beans and mushrooms.

wednesday is my day off from the gym.

my observations for today:

TP is steeped in her own misery and she may be a person who is only happy when she's bitching.  i never noticed it until she kinda went south at the ending of last year, but she complains about the same thing every day.  i hate that i've gotten to the point of sort of tuning her out, but i have.
R is going to drive me crazy, but its a voluntary ride for me.  she was irked because i said 'when you come to finish the commercial i'll give you a print of the book'.  she said i've been saying things 'like that' and she's been trying to show in her tone that it's bothering her.  i have no idea what she's talking about, but i am at the moment very hesitant to call her because it seems all i can do is make things worse.  not backing away, just leaving it alone for the night.  but the book is done, and aside from editing and a need for a poem perhaps, i could put it up for sale tomorrow. but i told her i wanted her to read it first.  i know a lot of this is just the residuals, as always.  at times, you just have to be the person to take the shot so that the person you love can get it out of their system.

i am tired, but i had a cup of coffee at training and may not easily fall asleep.

but i'm going to try.  and i thank my God, Jehovah, for a productive and progressive day.

gym tomorrow morning.  treadmill.

don't know meals yet

...don't worry, Jules...I'm ON the motherfucker...

it is the dawn.  in the ensuing time, one of my brightest north stars, Prince Rogers Nelson, has died/been murdered.  I include the slash as i'm not prepared to believe the media on such things.  however, death is the inevitable conclusion of life, and that he lived and studied and was baptized Jehovah's Witness, I know his hope in the resurrection into a new and perfect system of things, and I grieve but at the same time, i don't fear his safekeeping.  he is in Good Hands now.

this is the dawn.  this is the beginning.  the orbital trajectory has been recalculated, the calibrations are in place and we begin.  first section:  the gym.

it's Monday, April 25, and I went to the gym this morning.  I was on the phone with TP so I spoke to her until I couldn't wait any longer and I told her I'd call her back.  today was a cardio day.  I've been away from the gym for about two weeks, a bit longer, so that i did a mile on the treadmill and wasn't falling apart was a good thing.  tomorrow will be weights.  assessment:  my knee is twinging, has been since yesterday.  could be a recurrence of gout, so I will treat with Colcrys and cherry juice today.

menu for today:

breakfast will be two boiled eggs and one piece of toast
lunch: spinach salad with a boiled egg, cheese, tomato, onion and half a grilled chicken breast, with six crackers.
dinner:  leftover chicken and dumplings.
will know snack once i get out of the house, likely sugar free jello tonight.

primary entry -
i woke up well, but i could feel the reluctance to start the day at the gym.  inertial is a demonic construct, to be sure, but having bad habits and a poor or waning work ethic does most of the demon's work for it.  I didn't listen to it, but i did hesitate while i was on the phone with TP.  i have to focus on getting done what i need to get done.  TP attempted to engage me in a conversation about not answering my phone, but i don't get into discussions about why i do what i do anymore.  not with friends anyway, unless we have at least a twenty-year foundation in place.
the creativity is high right now, and things are going well.  R has come by, and i've spent time over the last two days.  we spoke about some things yesterday, with her allowing me to know that there are still reluctance moments for her concerning intimacy.  i had been thinking on that in the previous days, as in writing my new book of which my friendship/relationship with her is the core theme, i've found that i'm writing a love story that doesn't have any sex in it.  it is a strange realization, an odd metamorphosis to discover about oneself.  i told her that her significance to me has evolved, developed and formed without a structure of overt sexuality in it, and that i am not now inclined, at 48 years old, to try to develop a new sexuality.  i am not becoming impotent, but my libido is nowhere near what it was.  the years of inactivity, the weight gain and the sickness (chf, diabetes, etc) have wrecked havoc on my sexual desire and momentum.  and it's not such a big deal.  i can take care of myself, in every way, and i love just having people in my life in the capacity of good friends.  to have individuals to break bread with, to create art and music and poetry, to have discussions and to share laughter and sadness...i've had more than enough sex in my life, but there's never enough culture or art.  so, i shared with her than i want her for exactly who she is.  but i also said that if she doesn't want to kiss me then she shouldn't have shown me she's such a good kisser.  strange dichotomy.
anyway, i am going to find Todd at the Help Hotline today and see about a job.  i'm going to deliver extra chicken and dumplings to my family, to Lonnie and i'm going to get to cleaning my utility room later in the day.  i think i'm feeling pretty good.  i'm glad that i am blessed with life, and I need to begin to show more gratitude for this state of existence.

day's end:

it was a good day.  snack ended up being salsa and tortilla chips.  ate as planned otherwise.  went to HH to do a training on a phone job.  would be easy work but it is basically volunteer and not many hours.  but.  everything begins somewhere, and there is great nobility in simple work.  someone famous said something like that, can't remember exactly who right now.  talked to TF, talked to TP, talked to R.  checked on when my title arrives so i can get my tags for the car.  nothing much on the agenda tomorrow.  i feel pretty good about the new trajectory.  I know Jehovah had blessed me.  i'm going to sleep now, as it's getting late and i have to get up or the gym.  good night.

changing trajectory

(...this entry was originally from 4/12.  i don't know why i never posted it, but i figure since i'm in a deficit, why not?)

...well, it's Tuesday.  in three days, I will have completed 48 trips around the sun.  that's not too bad, but it's not the longest time either.  there are trees that have made that journey 48 times 48 times and some longer than that.  there are turtles and whales that are still journeying, were journeying long before i parted the birth canal and will still be journeying after i am dust in the wind.  everything is relative.  yet, i am content with my place in the world at this moment.  that will change, because change is the only constant in all things.  but for this moment, it is okay, and i thank God for that.

i had a good day.  it wasn't pain free, but it was pain minimized.  i prayed on my knees this morning, but my sleep was so broken by the prednisone for some reason that i was exhausted waking up.  i saw Syd off to school with some anger, as my alcohol pads have disappeared and though i don't know that she took them, i do know she don't really give a fuck about them.  i had breakfast, a sausage and egg sandwich, and i took my meds and my insulin.  my sugar was 225, but the prednisone can do that, i'm told.  i increased my levamir (long acting) to 20 units, double what i normally take, and kept the novolog (short acting) to ten units in the morning and i'll take another ten before i eat.  i talked to R on the phone for a good while, then i got myself together and gathered up some things and got out of the house.

I went to the library to pick up some books.  I went to the fellowship hall to give Greg the money i collected from the meeting a couple weeks ago.  i went to the store to get things i needed for dinner.  Syd texted me, asking if she could hang with Jo after school and i said yes.  i also called the dude from HH before i left the house to be considerate in turning down the position.  i believe i'ts the right thing.  i like the atmosphere, but there is trouble in the water there, and i already have trouble in my own water to deal with.

i came home and started to prep my stuff for my dinner.  i also made two hamburger patties, sauteed with onions and spinach, covered with salsa and topped with gouda and put on a plate, ate with a bowl of soup.  very tasty.  i made stuffed chicken breasts for dinner, ricotta and chopped spinach and lemon. juice and garlic and parmesan cheese and  red onion and olive oil, mixed together, stuffed inside butterflied chicken breasts, which folded over the filling, received a bacon covering, baked for forty minutes and got covered with pepper jack cheese.  i made a spinach salad and a baked potato to go with it.

today i took the initiative, called a job that i interviewed for and informed them of my situation and my need to decline employment with them at this time.  i felt better doing so, because not doing so would be a pussy move and a show of insecurity and uncertainty.  it also would be unworthy of my God, to say i have faith but to just not show up for an interview tomorrow morning.  i felt like that alone was progress.

then, earlier this evening, i got a call from a woman on my computer phone/business phone.  she was calling to ask about publishing, and i told her about the Amazon Kindle site and how she could make a lot of money if she used their service.  Saturday i'm meeting her to go through her manuscript and give her a price for typing it from longhand to print for uploading to the Kindle site.  i am going to prepare a presentation and offer to get the book together and ready to put on the kindle site, and i'm going to charge for services.  so i'm actually still moving in a good direction, and that's a blessing.

so i feel good.  i need to lose more weight again.  i need to get back to the gym.  i need to get back to writing.  i need to figure out what i'm going to do on Friday for my day.  but mostly, i need to remember to stay grateful, and at this moment, i am doing exactly that.

...we begin again at dawn...

well, its been some time.  i've been very busy being debilitated over the past several days.  I saw my 48th birthday come in in a wonderful way, and the falling apart i was doing just before my birthday continued the day after.  so at least i had a brief hiatus between.  we take what we can get.

i'm not going into a lot of detail here.  i've had some issues.  it happens.  humans are fragile and temporary.  i am a human, despite my spiritual leanings.  so i've got to make some adjustments.  hence, the title of this entry.

the breakdown will be as such:

from now on, this blog will record in three sections.  it will update throughout the day, so if you catch one part early that's likely not the entirety of the post.

the first part will be the gym.  I may not be able to get started with that until next week, but I should be back in stride on thursday.  gym days are to be Monday and Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.  Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday are off days.  REGARDLESS. so, four days.  that's the max i've ever done in the course of a week, and therefore that is what i am requiring of myself.  discipline will be restored.

the second section will be food intake info.  i've pretended long enough that i haven't relapsed dietarily.  I have been eating far and away from what is healthy for me.  and the truth is, it's mostly that i've gotten so lazy lately, when i'm active i can consume more.  but that's not an excuse.  i've not yet set my caloric intake so that will likely be stated tomorrow.  but everything i eat is going to get listed.  it's the only way i can trust myself, if i hold myself accountable to the truth.

and the third section is...THE LEDGER.  what was the day.  what did i do in the day?  what did i do for me?  what did i do for others?  which did i do more of?  what did i not do that i should have done?  what am I proud of myself for doing?  and what did I do to treat myself as i want to be treated?  these are the questions that are going to require notation.  if i stay on course, the pattern will make itself evident.

we will see.  we are grateful.  we being the Tim on the inside, and the Timothy who is now suffering the infirmaries for not listening to the inner child.  Jehovah has blessed us with life.  we have to bless us with meaning for that life.  we begin again...at dawn.

pain management

this weekend has been a journey.  it has been a trip through some unpleasantness, but it has been getting answers to prayers simultaneously.  there is something beautiful in that, and something terrifying as well.  but we'll start with the terrifying part.

i did manage to pray every day, though saturday my prayer came late, because of the pain i was in waking up and trying to get things started.  monday i'd gone out shadowing for HH and was sitting, at one point, in rain and sleet as the dude i shadowed was in conversation with another outreach person.  when the ache started on tuesday, i only thought about it being because of the walking, and wednesday i even went to the gym, i believe.  by thursday, there was a swelling around my knee.  it was very pronounced, clearly swollen and it hurt to put weight on the knee.  i kept going though, without a cane, even to the grocery store to pick up some needed things.  by friday, the swelling had almost doubled, i could see what looked like a bubble over the knee area, at the line between the knee and the thigh.  i could only walk with the cane, and i didn't have anything in me to give me speed of movement.  as well, i was cold, through and through, and thought i was catching a flu again.  i went to counseling, trying to call my doctor while waiting, clearing the snow from my car and heating it up, as i didn't want to do the emergency room.  my counselor and i discussed the possibility of it being a rheumatoid arthritis, and we google'd fever in connection with it.  the diagnosis was sound, and so i started icing and heating the joint, while taking ibuprofin.  it helped but only a little, and overnight i was freezing again.
saturday i continued with the regiment, telling Syd she'd have to be oncall as i was going through some bad shit, and she did well with that, as did her friend.  Tina had stopped by to check on me and took my temperature as i was curled up on the couch shivering beneath my comforter.  i read 102.1, and so we went to the emergency room at St. E's.  i was told it was a gout flare, though i'd never had one in my knee before.  they did the usual chargeable tests and gave me two prescriptions.  and i took a pain pill and went to a broken sleep, due to the needle they stuck in my knee and scooted around once it had pierced the joint membrane, looking for fluid.  that was some pain, jack.
Tina slept on the couch as she stayed with me at the ER and she left after coffee.  Syd and Jo went to get my prescriptions filled, and they checked on me later as well.  i have been taking prednisone the first days dose of six pills spread out through the day, and it's much better already, but i have five days to go.  tomorrow i'm going to try to wash a load of clothes, go to the store for bread and a few other things, and get back to taking it easy.
now, i prayed about the HH job.  i prayed because NKRC had paid for my training as peer support so i could hire on as a recovery coach.  i will start that position in July.  i prayed because i didn't want to do anything that would be counter-productive to that process, and i prayed because i knew there was a lot of static going on with the outreach people at HH already.  when i prayed, my knee started to swell.  then i ended up in the er.  so i feel the answer has been given to me.
at the same time, i am ever so grateful to a host of people.  my counselor, for being caring and understanding beyond the parameters of just therapy.  my parents, for sending food and supplies.  my child and her 'friend' for being able to help me get through.  R, for bringing me stuff for my lasagna and diet ginger ale and for checking on me.  Tina, for walking me through the emergency room and hanging with me in my rough patch.  Jeannie, for bringing me Knudsen's tart cherry juice, which should also help with the gout.  my brother for checking in and offering to run for me despite his aching.  my friend/sponsee Matt, who checked on me, as well as Bob.  now that's a lot of people.  and that's not even all of them.  but it shows me something.  i told VF i was going to ask for help and accept the help that i would receive, and i did that, and i received in abundance.  that is an important thing for me to remember.  because God always gives me what i need.  and i need to remember to be much more grateful for that.  thank you, Father.  time for sleep now.

thoughts

it's pretty early on thursday, in the evening though.  i've been pretty quiet today.  i couldn't really get to writing, as i am trying to get into R's mind and write a section in what would be an accurate voice for her.  i've done the gym, said prayers, had breakfast and lunch and i'm in some pain in my left knee, arthritis from this creeping cold that just won't let go.  i don't really feel bad, and i'm not celebratory.  i'm just thinking.

i've got two jobs coming.  i have been unemployed for about 9 years now.  if they hadn't fucked me at West, I would have happily kept working for them.  but it was in the end my fault.  not because i did wrong on the job, but because i didn't take my health more seriously.  if i'd been vigilant before West, the CHF would likely not be an issue now.

i've been talking to Syd's mother again.  not heavy, just exchanging pleasantries.  she asks what i think about Syd's boyfriend.  i have nothing to say, it's not a conversation she should attempt to engage in.  because though she's biologically Syd's mom, she has done nothing as a mother except pay child support.  if she wants to know, she should ask Syd.  but she also tells me she's leaving for Arizona in January.  i wonder if i'm supposed to care.  i only know that i don't, except as to the difficulty in keeping her paying her support.  but again, i'm not concerned right now.  i wish there was something more between us.  feels like there should be.  we made a child, but she made two with other guys and i guess there's nothing there for her either.  how lonely that must be for her.

i listen to R, and she's kind of all over the place.  she fusses but it has no legs beneath it.  she talks about how her mother runs her all over the place, how her daughters do as well, but she is constantly on the go.  she is going to Jamaica and she's spending money she doesn't really have, and she's still sleeping on a couch.  i know her cousin dying and turning 40 are weighing on her mind, as well as the revelations she's experienced being around her father last year.  but it seems that sometimes you have to just let go, put the good foot down on the solid ground and get ready to walk as hard as you can.   i'll be here for her though.  she's good people, she's just not really there for herself right now, and you can't expect more of a person than they give themselves.

i have paid my main bills.  i've ordered literature and anniversary chips for wednesday's meeting.  i am on the hunt for 12 and 12's at a cheap price.  i go to counseling tomorrow.  i'm going to get to the gym and do the elliptical, because i have a feeling it will be easier than the treadmill.  but we'll see how we feel in the morning.  i guess it's just doing what comes next.  i'm very blessed, and i'm thankful to Jehovah for the doors that are opening...and the ones that are shut.  i just wanted to get this in.

Murphy, my man...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murphy%27s_law

...so the upshot is, i'm actually pretty happy.  and that's weird as fuck.

I posted the Murphy's law link because that's about the size of what's going on right now.  I did this day, sans the gym, lazy ass, and i did my meeting, and i ate too much for dinner.  I didn't make a fuss at the meeting, i didn't go off on anyone, i just did the secretary position and the treasurer position, and I left without making much of a big deal about anything.  I had gotten a call while i was in the meeting and it was the guy from HH again, and I called him back and i go wednesday at 9 in the morning to finish paperwork and they're hiring me.  COOL!
then, and here's the Murphy's law connection, this evening, the director of NKRC emailed me back and let me know that she is planning on hiring me, in July, and that i am not in any bad position if i take the HH job.  So, after quite some time of being out of the market, i am now employable again.  I am happy about that.  and then, my birthday is next friday, well, two fridays from now.  i don't know, it's pretty heavy.  i paid my bills, i got a car that i like, my child is cooking breakfast and washing breakfast dishes and didn't get any F's on her report card, my parents are not being a pain in the ass right now, i have two credit cards, i'm working on a new book, with a book in the can, and a screen play that i need to shop around.  i haven't been idle.  i've been moving forward, and i can see that now, and my gratitude is there, and so is my happiness.  what else can i say?
thank you, Jehovah God.  i am going to sleep well tonight.

be that way sometimes...

an uneventful day.  i didn't get to the gym.  this cold is a motherfucker.  woke up and my knees were hurting.  that's some  new shit.  i know i have arthritis, but i wasn't ready for that this morning.  did prayers and meds, got a call from a guy from HH, and called him back a few hours later and left a message but didn't hear back again yet.  really want the NKRC thing but i'm not choosy, just careful.  i went to lunch with Lonnie, talked to R, have to do some writing, got some vitamins cause i was out, the usual domestic shit with no real goals in mind today..  meeting tomorrow.  got to get my spirit ready for that.  life on life's terms.  good night.

nothing special and good

good day today.  better day than the first time i went shadowing anyway.  more informative.  and i guess my irritability is lifting.  but i'm not enjoying this cold weather.

got up with prayer.  didn't hit the gym.  figured right that i'd be doing some walking today.  had eggs and grits for breakfast.  gathered clothes to wash, books to return to library and went to Help Hotline.  didn't get to see their staff meeting but went out on the streets again.  went back to St. Vincent, then down into the tent areas beneath the city line.  met a guy who has lived his entire life in a tent beneath the city line.  made me sad, but it was nice to see someone having contact with him and seeming to care genuinely.  I had a chance to eat a meal at St Vincent, not bad.  i didn't want to as the people there are likely far more in need than i am at this point in my life.  but the director told us to eat and so we did.

I left a bit after 12, went to the library and to the store to get food to cook for dinner.  I went to my mom's house, did a load of clothes, got my dad's tv back on the station, talked to my mother, sent Syd and her friend Joe to get my dad a new remote for his cable upstairs.  I took my clothes home to dry, prepped and cooked my dinner while folding my clothes i ate and did some writing.

it wasn't much of a day, but it was peaceful.  i called the cable and trash people and got some billing things straight.  tried to pay my trash bill online but couldn't bring up a billing screen.  things are going well.  i'm not complaining at all.  not today.  i emailed the director of NKRC and asked about the recovery coach position so i could make a decision about which job i'm going to take.  i'm going to the gym in the morning.  going to lunch with Lonnie tomorrow.  talked to R for quite some time today.  feel good.  it's not unusual, but i have to keep practicing acceptance of that.  and in the meantime, just keep stepping forward.  thank you, Father.

contemplation

been a couple days, i think.  i don't know how it got away from me again.  still simmering in the residuals from Wednesday.  trying to let myself let it go, because it's not doing me any good to hold on to it.  but its not easy.  i'll get past it soon enough.

i'm not going to my meeting tomorrow.  i'm taking a break.  i have to get my apartment straightened out and get my bills paid so i can figure my finances for the month.  it's been a pretty good weekend so far.  weather is shit.  it actually snowed today.  i looked out my window and there was snow on my car.  so there's that to contend with, to get my mind around.

i went to see my sponsor today.  hadn't seen him in a month.  he is still not getting around, still swollen from the steroids.  he is still terminally short of breath.  but it's good to visit him.  we talked, we watched some television, he saw my car.  i went to see my parents also, but my dad was leaving and my sister was visiting so i was in and out.  i bought floor mats for the car and a steering wheel cover.  they look nice.

i know things are going to be a bit tight for a few.  i've got to talk one main into letting go of their lien on the red car.  then I can get rid of it and save some money on insurance.  but they're not going to want to.  going to pray on it some more this weekend and make some calls monday to see what i can do.  meanwhile, i'm going to crash, get up and get started on bringing some order to my chaotic mind.  sleep is attacking me now, so i'm going to thank my Heavenly Father and join it.  ciao.