Vortex

cold, Jack.  colder than a witch's tit, as they used to say.  but it is January, no point bitching greatly about the phenomenon of cold weather in the winter, you know?

you have to love the world today.  everything has to have a name.  polar vortex. i remember when i was much younger and much earlier in my sobriety, there was a cold that was so deep it cracked the streets in places.  the year i met the woman who was to become my wife, who was to become my only ex-wife.  cold cold.  this kind of cold, in fact, but it wasn't called a polar vortex then.  and they didn't name every tropical storm, or wind movement, or natural occurrence, just to make the news sound sexy.  but this is the wake of MTV reality, where your concentration has been diluted down to images and whatever passes for cool music at the time they're trying to sell you something.  all pretty boring, to be honest. 

this has been a pretty good day.  no work today, workshops closed.  no work tomorrow either, workshops closed in advance.  meeting was cancelled by general consensus this afternoon.  got done with some work training modules, so i logged 5 pay hours, which will help.  got some other things i have to get done as well.  it's cool though.  i can't seem to get into the swing of work right now.  not that i'm planning to abandon my post or anything.  just the atmosphere is pretty toxic right now, and i'm flying on a surly version of 'auto-pilot' to avoid getting any more toxicity on me than is necessary.  it is a protective move, but i'm not sorry about that.  i'm only ever sorry that it is necessary for me to do, to protect myself.  i always thought that eventually i'd grow and the world would change and i would fit it and it would fit me, and then i'd be okay and adjusted and all that shit.  but it don't work that way....not at all, to be honest.  the world is worse, and i am more cynical, more bitter, but more sane and more intelligent as well, i truly hope.  and sometimes, clarity is a bitch.  sometimes, i'd rather not know.  i'd rather pretend, rather act as if.  but that doesn't change that i am what i am. 

today i got up later than i usually do, since i had no work. but i prayed, i read my books and i took my medicine and i made breakfast.  i went to the store and got some salad stuff to make with spaghetti for dinner tonight.  i ate with Rachel and saw her out the door.  i did my stuff for work and i am about to shut it down. 

i am grateful, don't get me wrong.  it's a bad night, bad cold.  i have walls to protect me and heat to offset some of the morbid chill.  i have a fridge overstuffed with food thanks to Rachel and a car with enough gas that theoretically the fuel line won't freeze.  i've got coffee and creamer, and i've got projects to work on.  and an ipad, courtesy of my son who came to visit his sister and nephew and myself.  i am grateful, but i am also internal at the moment, because i have to learn what i'm supposed to know in the time that Rachel is here, and i can't let myself get lost in the way things are right now.  more on that as my mind codifies and clarifies. 

suffice it to say, thank you, Father, for provisions that there are many who need, and many who don't for the worst reasons.