End of the Snow Days, pt 1

it's Tuesday afternoon, heading into evening.  i've been out today, the street having been plowed, finally, and the workday having been cancelled due to the workshops not opening today.  i didn't mind, but it was nice to get out of the house.  funny how that works. it's not that things are bad or even leaning toward badness.  it's that, realistically, things are still what they were.  you learn, after enough time passes, that there's a level you achieve, and i guess happiness is either that level being the one you wanted, or being the one you can live with.  and every level is marked as something or other, you know?  like, in dealing with people, you can hit a level of knowing someone, of acquaintance, of associate, of casual friend or good friend or intimate friend, of lover, of mate, and likely so many more due to family dynamics and things.  and if you hit a level of lover and you were looking for a mate, you may not be happy unless you can live in the zone of being someone's lover with no further commitment. 

i've not decided that for myself yet, but it is not a bother having Rachel and Ava here at all.  there is decidedly something better in having adjusted the expectations down and having learned to not deny a thing is what it is.  she is my house guest, she is here until her house clears for her to move in.  at that point, my life, my space and my autonomy will be restored, my life will go on as it had before.  and where Jehovah takes me is His business; not mine until i get to where He's been leading me.  i'm cool with that.

today i went to my parent's house.  i was not irritable, but i grew so as my mother insisted on telling me that my grandson is now crawling and trying to walk holding on to furniture.  i don't hear from my daughter any more, haven't seen my grandson in about a month now.  i'm writing it off slowly.  i admit this as a truth.  i'll be no one hostage, for any reason.  i will not sit back and wait for emotional charity to be doled out to me like emergency food stamps.  so i told my mother that it was nice that he was crawling without me seeing him and that perhaps by the time i do see him again he'll be in college.  i didn't mean to, but she wouldn't just stop talking.  and she didn't have to, that's the truth.  but i don't pretend i have no feelings about things, i just try not to use them as projectiles.  so i'm sure i hurt my mother's feelings, and i'll have to amend that soon.  but i got their dinner cooked, i got some things from the store.  i've had my shower today, i'll shave my head and face later.  the bathroom ceiling downstairs is leaking again, likely due to the ice and the snow.  gonna go in and cook this stuff for taco salad tonight, and going to get to bed early and get ready for the work day tomorrow.  back to reality, as Soul II Soul sang once upon a time.  i am grateful for being able to cook for my parents today, blessed to see them both after an extended weekend without a visual on them.