but sometimes, that can be a liability. it can. because i have to sit in the madness that has enfolded me, pretend that i'm okay, stay out of my head to the extent that is possible (which is very slight) and try not to hurt anyone, and hope that i can stay faithful and move toward a solution before the bottom falls out of my mind. and i can't talk about most of it, because i gave my word that I would not divulge anything about the situation that triggered it all off this weekend.
i will talk about what i can, because i need this recorded. i don't have a choice. but i will not break my word.
so, let's just sum it up like this. the Big Book, in the 'How It Works' chapter, tells us that most of our problems are of our own making, that we have taken actions that later put ourselves in a position to be hurt. and i can attest to that. i made decisions that brought potential trouble to my door. and i knew the possibility was there. but i was acting out of my emptiness, which is a nice way of saying i was being selfish. i took something offered to me that perhaps i should not have, on the basis that it was not free for them to give. which means it cost them quite a bit as well. and the trouble came to my door. and i was prepared to deal with the trouble, because one thing that gets to the wolf at the center of me is feeling threatened in my own space. right or wrong, it is a feeling that i cannot easily bear. and i didn't sleep much that Friday night, because i was awake, waiting for the trouble to present itself. on reflection, dealing with it as i would have would likely have simply set off a shitstorm of further trouble. but, regardless, it happened, and the next day i was a bundle of jangling wires, each still attached to a power source and sparking.
so, of course there's fuel all around me. there is/was something scurrying around in my ceiling and walls. i had gotten the critters out of the kitchen, but they did not decide to abandon the house. and to drive that point home, i tried to print a W2 to send to SS for this audit they're doing on my disability, to have my printer keep reading 'error', because A FUCKING MOUSE (or mice) MOVED INTO THE MOTHERFUCKER. poked its head clean out as i tried to figure out what the error was. i kicked the shit out of my printer, because, like the stove, it was now a dead and barely touchable thing. unlike the stove, however, there will be no replacing the printer until i get rid of this problem. because, why just give them a new house?
so. i've got the procedure coming up on the 11th, for which i have to go have the pre-anesthetic meeting tomorrow. i've got the possibility of having my income slashed, losing ground that i've fought to gain and have barely made any progress at all, though i have made some. i have something in the walls, something in my printer and a situation that may have called for bloodshed. and i may have lost a friend in the process.
yes, i went nuts. i was ready. got a bag full of exit, but it was just on the edge of my mind. i wanted to talk to my sponsor, and for the first time i found the pain in my heart refreshed that he is dead now, and i can't give him any problems, and i have nothing new to deal with this collection of shit. i went to my parent's house, just hung out. made my mom coffee and sat and sat back and tried not to cry. called a friend in Columbus and talked about what i could, but could not go into full detail, because my word is good. called Lonnie, texted my counselor. now i am writing about it, because i am trying to put it back together again. put what back together?
i know some things. i know a few things about a few things, but i don't know shit. Jehovah, my Father, knows everything that I need to know. see, we have a thing from a long time ago in the Program; 'when you don't know what to do, do what you know is right', and 'do the next right thing'. those two have always gone together for me. the next right thing is the thing you know is right, so if you have no answer to the problem at hand, just do a thing that you know you're supposed to do. yesterday i went to my parent's house, i made my mom a pot of coffee that brewed today, i bought her some biscotti while i was at Big Lots buying myself coffee and some supplies. i went to my meeting, i cooked for the potluck and i chaired the meeting. i just finished shaving and eating, and i'm about to take my shower. i have my alarm set so i can get to this pre-anesthesia meeting and i have an interview in the afternoon. i'd wanted to do some cleaning, but i mostly laid in bed today. i'm okay with that. i may take the dirty clothes i have and wash while i'm out tomorrow. don't know for sure. but i know this: i own what i've done. i won't be unsafe in my space, because it only gets worse as you get older and you damn will better be ready to defend your atmosphere. 'mind your want because someone wants your mind'. P-Funk philosophy, true though.
i just want to get through the next day, if i am blessed to awaken to see it. and it will be a blessing if that happens. so many are losing so much these days. mass shootings, diseases on the rise that were arrested decades ago, hate and fear and racism and just the worse mindset that humanity can engineer, and it's all according to biblical prophecies and common sense observation.
i don't know who reads this, for real. i know of one individual who does, and i have posted this link of Facebook, because as a 10th step, it has to be accessible to those who would be the witnesses of my confession; never know who God has in place to hear me. but i know i am grateful for this day, and i thank God for the ability to move to the next step and the next. do the next right thing.
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