well, it has been a minute again. this time it has been simply being wrapped up in the shit that my life has contained lately. scrambling to get myself back in gear, trying to juggle twelve, thirteen balls at the same time, and balancing on a unicycle as part of the deal. makes it exciting i guess. but i don't juggle that well...
so this last week. i've had my mind blown by some truly stupid experiences at work, some head-on confrontations with management, some policy that seems facilitated to make the job harder than it has to be, deliberately so. i've been inundated by the hot days and the cold nights. i've run around Mahoning county several times, working out a route that will, at least in part, start tomorrow, and i still don't have all the information that i need for that. the route grows exponentially, and again, i don't even know how many clients are actually riding tomorrow. fun fun fun.
i blew off Saturday, yesterday, because i was hurting. from Wednesday to Friday i'd felt a pain in my lower left leg, like running down the back of my thigh, that grew in intensity and then began to spread. by Friday night, i kinda felt it was a UTI, as it takes a minute for enough symptoms to manifest to identify it as such. but i waited, took a Gabapentin to sleep mostly, to deal with the pain that had began radiating into my back also. figured if it don't get no better, i'm off to the ER, get some antibiotics and get this shit under control before i drive monday. well...best laid plans. the doctor at the Austintown ER didn't know what Brachytherapy was, but i guess he understood the 'prostate cancer treatment' breakdown i gave him. he came in and guessed, from my chart, that i was there for drugs, and i know that's what it was. because despite what i said, what i told them, doctor nurses, despite me coming in and letting them know what i thought it was and therefore asking for something to clear up a bacterial infection (ie, antibiotic) he summed up that my 'chronic back pain' was the reason i was there, and was genuinely ignorant of what Brachytherapy was initially. i had to tell them i was radioactive. had to tell him that i wasn't expressing urine completely. he asked if i still wanted him to prescribe me an antibiotic. it was all i could do not to be sarcastic. so today, the back pain is lessened. i've taken the antibiotic and the steroid i keep here, and it is helping with the back. down the leg, not so much. but we'll see what happens today as it's only day two.
today i am about to go wash clothes. i'm going to visit my parents, i'm going to my meeting. i'm going to make two calls to two clients to give them rough estimates of their pick up times when i get them in the AM, and their PM drop off times. i'm going to make a good dinner for myself and get this train rolling. that's the plan. but i'm going to start with some readings and some medicating. i had to start with writing, because i left things in a depressed state on 'paper', and that requires an update.
to which i'll say, things have altered somewhat. won't say they're 'better', but they've altered. i've faced some of the situations that are now outside of my control, said my piece and kept it moving. i've talked to people, i've gone to the bottom of my despair and my loneliness, i've gotten angry over people who aren't going to change, and i've understood, once again, that I am not the center of the universe. i know that as much as i would love to have people in and out, conversation and creativity and some love and proximity, having what i need, doing what i do, writing the stories and walking for health and getting my foundation re-firmed from this soft and mushy condition its ended up in...those are the important things. i can't help anybody for real until I can help myself. and i can't help me until i again put my faith in Jehovah before my fear of being in this world. that's the fact, jack.
so, i have a plan, i'm going to start on it, and i'm going to move forward. i am blessed and i am okay right now. gonna take my meds, have some breakfast, do my clothes and get the day done. and i'm going to thank God, right now, because i did have Joshua by to have lunch and put down poison yesterday. i did have De'ja checking up on me. i can walk, didn't need my cane. i can think, i can feel and i can move. and Father, I thank You for that, because that is through no wisdom or brilliance on my part.
okay, time to make em move...
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