but i'm writing as i prepare my dinner, because it's time to write, and it's time to eat, and it's time to get ready for tomorrow. it's time to get my shit together, in other words. and i am ready to fire this bitch up again.
a point comes (it always does, believe it or not) that the insanity and the lethargy sort of give way to some kind of action. well, the lethargy does. when it's real, the insanity gets channeled into the productive actions that put me back on a good path. at least, that's how it's worked up to this point, and i feel it about to work again.
today was sort of a null day. i didn't really get into work heavily, though i didn't cheat the clients. i just put everything on automatic pilot and floated through the day. i saw the people that i wanted to see, minus one friend/coworker who i think is no longer with the company. i did my meeting, talked to my mom, tried to catch up to Rachel about some cabbages she has but, of course, she wasn't answering her phone (it's every other day, seems). got everyone to work and home safely. hell, even got my primary bills paid last night and my credit card bill paid on. not too shabby.
now, that doesn't mean the crazy is gone, mind you. i feel the gibbering fool of my primitive brain still trying to find a convenient escape from everything. i feel it, i hear it. but i haven't given in to it yet. i've talked as close to it as i can, i've prayed, i've walked through the next right things to the best of my ability. and tomorrow, i walk. PERIOD.
spiritual warfare happens all the time. it is the nature of a world when you are supposed to be constantly developing on your spirituality. you are going to go through things, and you are going to struggle when things that make absolutely no sense at all keep recurring. what can you do? when the shadows move and the walls speak and the wind has something to say. when you look for portents and find them. or when you are just trying to keep on a good path and you feel the brittleness gathering beneath your feet, and that is when you realize every day in that particular walk, you're on ice of varying thickness.
so the shit between Friday and Saturday just blew a portion of the ice right out from under me, and i was up to my nose in freezing water. and I don't swim, as Sir Nose would tell you. so i thrashed about. but i grabbed onto whatever i could get my hands on that was solid...my counselor, Keith, Lonnie, this Journey, i just dug in and held on, and i am not all right, but i am all here, and that's right for now.
i am going to walk in the morning. probably no more than a mile, if that. but it's been over a week since my last walk, and it's time to get my ass back in motion again. i felt good when i was doing it regularly. and i used shoes losing their soles as the excuse to stop. but again...two pairs of shoes that were fine and then suddenly they are shoddily made and falling apart? but if you fall for a spiritual trick, don't be mad at the enemy...check yourself, laugh about it, and get back to work.
got to clean my kitchen. that's the other thing. a friend (yes, a genuine friend in the wake of the shit from work) listened as i talked about the madness the mouse presence is driving me to, and she made me a solution of peppermint oil to start spraying with. i looked it up and found that and other things i have to do. some of it is going to be a bit daunting and i'm going to need some help...like cleaning out the upstairs closets, where i'm sure the mice have been chillin like villains for the whole time i've been here. cleaning them out, bagging shit up and throwing it in the trash. closing up holes, spraying and re-spraying. time to start either getting shit right here or getting rid of HERE and moving into something that is comfortable for me. but either way, i'm not going to snub God. in fact, i know this is the result of my prayers, having choices of directions, none of them particularly bad. and the rest is tomorrow, and tomorrow will take care of itself if i deal well with today.
thank you, Jehovah God, for life and love.
seven days from now, i get this procedure done. prayers would be nice.
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