my isohyet

i want to get this down now.  i'll be out into my day shortly.  it's going to be a trying day, but i'm going to move on the basis of a faith that has proven it works.  i have to.  despite having it challenged, despite wanting to give in to negativity, i am going to move in the good way and try to keep myself from falling into that trap.

so, where to begin? 

it's friday the 13th.  means nothing to me by way of superstition.

it's two days after september the 11th.  means nothing to me by way of patriotic remembrances, but it will mean something as far as my personal history from now on. 

two days ago, i went to the Cleveland Clinic facility in Mayfield Heights, Ohio to have surgical treatment on my prostate for cancer.  this has been two years coming.  two years since finding out that i had this thing, two years of trying to get to where it could be treated and finally being given an option that worked well  for me.  two years. 

they prepped me and put me to sleep.  they intubated me to keep me gassed, and they scraped something loose in my throat.  i don't think that's unusual. might be my tonsils, for all i know; i still have them at 51.  they then used needles to jam a number of radioactive darts into my prostate to kill the cancer cells and shrink the prostate.  it means that it's killing healthy cells as well, but that's what medicine is in the 21st century.  we will harm you in other ways to possibly heal you in one.  if you think not, listen to the disclaimers every time there's a commercial on for a new medicine.  but that's just american life.  the procedure is done.  i woke silly, came out well from the anesthesia and am home, have been since Thursday afternoon.  no bleeding, urination is constant and not overbearing at this time, feces is happening, though it's not loose stools, just hard and pebbly.  but that's okay, long as it's working.  against recommendations, found that the equipment still works, though it was a self-test situation.  won't for a while again, that's for sure. 

i don't know exactly how i feel. i've not told my parents yet.  i don't know if i will.  if i do, it will be when i know things have significantly changed one way or another.  not just as news to be disseminated randomly. no reason for that.  my mother had her epidural done yesterday.  hoping her pain eases up some.  i'm sure that means she'll have to continue to get shots in her back to ease her pain.  i don't want to add to the pain in her back.  just how it is.

connected to this is bullshit from work.  bullshit because of the execution of their agenda.  i've been told that i have 3 speeding tickets.  none of the information sound valid, by which i mean factually the operations manager has given me provably inaccurate information, yet insists that this is something that is attached to me as a driver.  the fines for these camera tickets total $400 dollars.  there has been talk of a suspension as well.  what i believe is happening is one of the drivers for their daycare program, what i call the thing where they have people not go to the workshop to double charge them for other activities, got tickets and since there's more money in that than in driving to the workshops, that person needs to not be inconvenienced.  but i say that because it's what i believe.  that doesn't make it right.  point being, i don't think they are mine.  but they could be; it's not outside of the realm of possibility, and that's all i'm writing here.  so i asked if the ops manager could ask them to not take the entire amount out of this next check, as i have things that i have to do and i'm losing more time being off work now.  she said she would front me the money if they did.  it's now about 730 as i write this line and nothing is deposited into my bank account.  so i have to assume they snatched my entire check.  and i don't understand that, because even short the holiday and the one doctor day last week, my check should be more than $400.  so i'm trying  to keep my head together, move forward on the shit i said i have to get done. 

thing is, it's part of the composite.  the disability questioning.  this job and the bullshit that is now growing.  the thing with my friend which has taken another strange turn.  the surgery.  the lost time.  bills that have to be paid.  i have a host of things that have been churning for quite a few months now. 

BUT.

my mom did get her treatment.  it might help.

i did get my treatment.  that's not the forefront of worry at this moment.

i have the money to make my car payment, though other payments might suffer.  but most of them have been tended to already.

i am alive, sober and thankful.  i have my life, and a period of rest.  i learned my friend Na'eem just lost his wife last Friday.  how grateful should i be? 

point being, i am trying to keep my hand in Jehovah's hand, and walk through this with him.  he makes a way from no way, and if i am seeking the spiritual enrichment, i'm not going to worry so much about the material; it's already taken care of.

so, i've got counseling today.  i'm going to get dressed, as i've showered and shaved, as i've medicated, meditated and processed some things with this writing.

i'm going to get a few clothes washed, get some stuff to make my dinner and get ready to move into the next chapter of my life. 

one way or another, change is going to come.

thank you, Father, for your love; having that takes care of everything else.