there are series of truths that I have to live, at the same time. and in those truths, there is the me that i was, the me i am right now, and the Me that I hope to become in the near future. there is also the ME that i know nothing about, the one that God is creating daily. but they are all born in darkness, as are most thing. even light is born into darkness before it dispels the dark.
right now, i'm ready for work. i've showered yesterday, but i'm not shaving, maybe not for a minute. i'm dressed, i've read my scriptures and my meditations online. i'm contemplating breakfast, because i'm walking this morning. i've got trash ready to go out. i've said my good mornings to people. that's the extent of what i've got before work.
i've had a horrible weekend. that seems to be the order now. days of events that grate against my nerves, nights of sighing and weekends of isolation. i am on the borderlands between depression and despair, and i can say honestly i don't remember being here in well over a decade. not since my early recovery perhaps, or even the end of my active addiction. and I don't know why, exactly.
i did laundry this weekend. i had planned to clean my house and put down poison, but then i saw the repetition in it, the Grecian tragedy, like Sissyphus pushing his rock up the hill every day. and i just finished my laundry, came home and felt like crying. i put clothes away and fought a group of hornets that had made their neighborhood my office, same as the mouse did in my printer. and i wondered, why am i doing this? why am I having this fight, why am i doing these useless things? last week i came back to work to a cluster fuck designed just for me, today i'll be going to work into a semblance of the same, Thursday i had my father acting willful and petulant, throwing a tantrum because i wouldn't arrange to bring his car home that night he went out to drive knowing he can't see. i slept poorly, watched some anime, and wondered why i can't seem to find the courage to just check out. funny, you have to find the courage to both live and die.
i thought. i thought a lot. and i decided that i have to back all the way down to a few minutes of life at a time. i have nothing more that i can throw into this coin machine of the soul. couple pennies worth of life at a time. i paid the last of my gas bill. i will pay my bill that came with getting the AC. I went to the bank to challenge a charge on my account and ended up having to shut down the account and start a new one, which means a lot of stuff is going to be up in the air next month. i'll have to make the calls over the next week to get shit straightened out.
it is funny, you know. if you're afraid to take your own life, can that really be called 'the courage to live'?
i'm not confessing to suicide here. i'm telling myself to look honestly at how i'm feeling. i have spoken to no one but my mother this weekend, aside from the meeting sunday and visiting Sherese in the hospital. phone rang once, sunday night, and i missed the call and called back to no answer. that's my social life. tired of it. tired of the loneliness, tired of the presence of people who are more like either ghosts or the mice plaguing this house. i'm tired of feeling like there's something so terribly wrong with me, something broken in my mind that can't seem to figure out what it is. and to be clear, i'm not saying i have no friends; i'm saying i have no one who is active in my life, no one who is bringing any happiness to my door. and the placebo i took is gone. i addressed it in an email this weekend, because i hate living in the shadow of question marks as well. rather take the hook out and just let the period roll away, so to speak.
so, i'm about to get going. trash to go out, a walk to take, notes to go over, gas for the bus and strangers to introduce myself to. i'm going to work on being more grateful, because the lack of gratitude is dangerous business for me. so what specifically am i grateful for today?
Jehovah, I am grateful because my father drove over here to apologize for his behavior yesterday. i'm grateful that Sherese's surgery went well. I'm grateful Marc gave me a microwave since the turntable on mine has been out since January. I'm thankful for having gotten rest yesterday, and i'm thankful for allowing me to catch the one charge on my account and get things straighened out with the account, things which needed to be done years ago anyway.
i'm grateful that i have another day of sobriety, if i choose to have it.
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