sometimes shit is deliberately complicated. you can usually tell, i think. you can tell because the sense of a thing is right on the tip of your tongue, right within a stone's throw from where your mind has gotten to, and yet suddenly there's twenty thousand little details that completely obsure the thing you were certain of. if you look at the source of those little details, you can find the obstructionist, and then you'll know why shit has become suddenly complicated.
that's my experience, anyway. it's why i feel i was blessed with the notion not to wait for anyone to verify something that i KNOW for a fact. because if you put your well-being into another human's hands and trust that they may put themselves in a bad light for your peace of mind, you've started out as a fool and may be progressing swiftly into victim status. and i know how cynical that sounds, but i'll stand by it.
i've abandoned most of my extracurriculars at work. i make no coffee any longer. i think about it. but i don't. because they were very ignorant and unappreciative of it. i am waiting for the Youngstown route to start, i volunteered for it right off the bat. i figure i'd rather be close to home. i'd rather be in my own territory, in something new for them and me, so the playing field will be as level as it can be. i am tired, and that's a constant i know, but it's deeper since the procedure. i feel okay, i mean, but i have no energy reserves to pull from. it's a plus/minus kind of thing. because while i am more deeply weary, the level doesn't vary. i'm weary at this moment of typing to the same degree as i was on my walk at 5 in the am.
i have to pay 36 dollars remaining on my car note. i have to get another 40 dollars to my dad, and another 100 from my next check. i turned down the money from my boss. i don't want to be in anyone's pocket if i don't have to. i want to get the next bit taken out of my check as well, then i'm back to ground zero.
i'm mostly alone again. that sucks, but only somewhat. i guess the part that really sucks is that it doesn't hurt as bad as it used to. when you start getting acclimated to being in discomfort, you know there is something that is being obscured. but i don't know exactly what yet.
i know that i am going to keep moving forward, best as i can. i know i'm going to finish out this work week strong, stay focused and try to make the most of the weekend. there's nothing else to do. and next week, i'll try to stay on point and just move into the autumn months with some knowledge, some serenity and some foundation to survive the depression storm.
i have eaten dinner, had some cookies and ice cream for dessert, and i'm ready to shut it down as soon as i see what the unameable one wants to do with this new route routing this evening.
thank you, Father. perspecive is not always wanted, but it is always welcome.
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