The Things we Go Through...

it's sunday morning.  I spent the night at my parent's house, because my dad has been in medical care since friday night.  i say in medical care because apparently his journey followed the normal circuitous route, to the Urgent Care in Austintown, to the downtown campus (i love how they actually make that kind of bullshit distinction, downtown campus as opposed to North Side location) of St. Elizabeth hospital because, when you approach 80, have stents in your heart and complain of chest pains, they don't just let you go, and after years of this same dance, my dad knows this.  and since somehow, for some reason, they x-ray'd his throat yesterday, he's still there on sunday morning.  so i came by yesterday evening to make sure someone was here with my mom in case she had some sort of accident. 

emotionally, this is the hardest stuff that i do anymore.  in a way, that might be good, as it puts the rest of life's bullshit into a smaller context that is easier to manage.  but i just watched a movie on Amazon Prime video, i believe it was, called 'My Name Was Bette', about a woman who drank herself to death, a documentary done by her filmmaker daughter as a means of catharsis, i guess, a way to have some closure and reconciliation with the devastation of her mother's demise.  it is insightful and it is painful, but informative to be sure, and i am glad i watched it, because one of the stressors they spoke of as a pivot in her drinking was the care and loss of her elderly relatives.  and it made many things make sense to me. 

so i am here.  i feel like a visitor, which is good.  i don't want to feel comfortable to a great degree, because in my father's home that doesn't last long.  i have to get milk for home, have to figure on what i want for dinner and get that too.  i'll likely get some stuff to pack a lunch tomorrow and tuesday as well.  we'll see.

i made my mother breakfast - blueberry pancakes from scratch (i'm pretty good), with some eggs and some sausage rounds.  made her coffee.  said my prayer, did my bible reading and my meditation books.  i go to the websites for them at home now, i guess i prepare for having to do it away from home. 

i still have the thing hanging in my throat, but it's not hurting as bad.  i want to take a good shit, but that will happen, i suppose, in its own time.  i'm going to start walking again tomorrow, short walk to start.  get through one work day.  one at a time, that's all i can do anyway.  we'll see what happens from there. 

it's kind of funny.  wednesday, i got the treatment done, and the unnamed friend came by to see me.  on thursday, Rachel brought me a plate of food and checked on me.  on friday i went to counseling and Sherese came and checked on me.  by yesterday, no one was coming, though i didn't need anyone.  but i also wasn't hearing from anyone.  and it's not a feeling of neglect, though i am sure it sounds like i'm bitching.  it was just the reality that life does really go on.  when you have stuff done, when you're just living your life, it goes on and normalcy is the state of rising to your own place in your own universe, i guess.  not many people in my non-program life know, so i didn't really expect a bunch of people.  i am glad i got one card, though. 

i'm still tired.  sleeping sitting up on my parent's couch ain't the best sleep, but at least i slept.  i'm going to get home in a couple hours, once my mother starts her lesson over the JW phone line, which is how she attends service.  i'll go to the store then, get my stuff and get home.  and we'll see what the day brings, should i awaken to it tomorrow. 

i am grateful to be here, Jehovah, and i thank You, Father, for allowing me to look after my mom.