for some people, life is about control. it seems what they need is to keep their hands on every aspect of their lives, keep a finger on all the buttons and in all the pies that come into their perimeter. and when they can't, it's almost an instant crisis, an instant tumult. i honestly wonder if that is me, if that ever was me, and what it would take to get me to that level of dysfunction. and i do think it to be a dysfunctional state of being. because, unless you are on almost limitless resources or have carte blanche with the lives that are in your sphere of influence, it is an impossible achievement and has to be a totally frustrating endeavor. but i know people who live that way, and they are crazy, practically to a person.
so, it's been a boring, lonely weekend. i more or less expected such. things from last weekend linger, and they linger without explanation that resolves anything. i'm mostly okay with that, but it is not unknown that i hate when things are left without a reason for happening. it is usually a madness i can't live with, but now, i know everything is not necessary for me to know. sometimes, i just have to deal with the truth as the truth is, and let things be what they are. and i'm going to be okay with that. but it is a thing that is hurting a friend, and though they repeat 'full disclosure' over and over like a mantra, they don't exactly practice the tenants of that sermon. but i can do nothing about that either.
i have made soup for a friend who made me a peppermint oil solution to deter the mice in my house. i have cleaned and sprayed, and i have to get groceries so that wednesday through sunday i am okay. i could count on people other than Lonnie coming to check up on me, but i won't, because that would be stupid. instead, i'll just dig into my own life, try to do the things that will insure i have supplies at least, and prepare for a rest and a writing session.
not much else i can do there.
my house smells of peppermint,strong peppermint, but something still moves through my walls. i would imagine it takes some time, and it may need a heavier spraying. i'm okay with that. i have to check some financial things, and i'll know more about that tomorrow, and then perhaps i can re-schedule the exterminator to come check this house out. but we'll have to see.
why am i writing? what is this about? i am emotional and trying to get a grip on it. i am without company, and i miss my friend. but that's part of the new deal. you find people are struggling with their own shadows and monsters and demons, and maybe even wrestling with an angel or two in their own existences. and you can't do anything about any of it, because it either makes them stronger or it secures their blessings, or it kills them because they weren't strong enough to do life. and that could be any of us. could be me. could be.
i am grateful for this day. i made my parents dinner, i washed clothes, i did my meeting. i am ready to shut it down, but it's a bit too early so i'm going to get back to my life. thank you, Jehovah, for allowing me time.
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