CONTINUITY

...summer at its end.  the nights are significantly cooler, cold for the past week, minus a night.  on the east, a hurricane prepares to land ashore, likely bringing in the fall season prematurely.  it always comes with a storm now; look back through the past 15 or so years, you'll see it for yourself. 

i am up, i've done my stretches and crunches.  i have to get new shoes for walking; i have destroyed a pair through the walking i was doing.  i'm surprised to find that i'm not done with trying to get healthier; i'm realistic about ruining my few belongings.  proper shoes are a must now. 

it's Thursday.  i am remembering things because people are giving me clues and cues, by God's grace.  i am going to my parent's house today.  i'm going to look up getting a direct service provider for my mom through Social Security, through Medicare.  i remember when i started with PCS, that was one of the things we had to study, what is a DSP and what do they do?  so i'm going to look into it.  my mom is not doing well, and the medical system gives not one true fuck about it. 

i don't hear from my brother any longer.  i don't know if that's purposeful or incidental.  i know he is still moving along as best he can.  i know that he is still hurting badly on a daily basis.  but i don't know any more than that. 

i am feeling okay about today.  i don't know why.  i have put soup aside for my mother, my father won't eat it.  i've got some left for myself, but likely i won't eat any tonight.  i've eaten on it for days.  no problem with it, just in the mood for something else. 

i feel spiritually okay.  going to copy my W2 from last year and send off this document tomorrow, Saturday at the latest.  i'm done with it after that.  i've got an interview on Tuesday and i go to the Cleveland Clinic to the pre-anesthetic, or whatever.  i go the following Wednesday for the procedure.  yes, i'm nervous as fuck, but i've done nervous before.  at least i know i am in Jehovah's hands. 

i miss my grandson.  i miss the time when my children were small.  they were important days, they were good times of making something out of practically nothing most days.  that makes them worth missing; now i know only the edge of having something, the fear of losing it all stupidly, and the struggle to maintain faith in a rabid, stupid world.

thank you, Father, for a good start to the day.