but like that sunrise sky was the beginning of a cold, cold morning, i have been living with a kernel of bitterness that i'm trying my best to keep in perspective. i may as well write about it now, as it is where it is, out in the open, and there's no hiding from it at this point.
i don't announce my business to everyone. that's because everyone don't really give a damn about me. and therefore, speaking to people who don't care about me has become, at 51, a waste of words, breath and time. none of which do i have in abundance anymore. so the fact of me being on disability is not a broadcast fact, but it is not an unknown thing either. when i first came down with congestive heart failure, i was hospitalized, could not breathe, could barely walk and thought i was going to die. i lost my job behind that episode, well, because my employers at that time were assholes, honestly. but job gone, regardless. and i got into the system and waited for disability to approve me. it is a wait, it is a process. after turning me down and filing an appeal, they approved me. i can't remember exactly when that was, it was a while ago though. and as always happens in a while, life goes on, changes, becomes something else and you have to deal with it.
in my life, life became my daughter growing up, half of what was needed to live from month to month being gone because half of the money was hers (until she decided not to go to college, anyway...) and i didn't want to keep it from her since i wasn't the one taking care of her anymore. at which point, i got back to my job searching, because what i was getting wasn't enough. shortening this tale a tad, i went through a couple jobs that didn't work out and ended up at the one i'm at now, which did. and for the past almost 2 years, i've been doing my thing. and life has been good with it. but i never thought time wouldn't catch up to me, and it has.
Social Security has come knocking, wanting an accounting, and mostly wanting me and themselves to part ways, i believe. so i have to fill out their questionnaire and send it back to them, and then they will render their decision about me.
and i am scared, to an extent.
one, because that would essentially remove half of what i get by on from month to month. almost exactly. and that's kind of sad. two, because it will probably also eliminate Medicare, which means i will have to get insurance coverage at an outrageous cost or not have coverage for my meds and other things. and that will be bad. no getting around it.
BUT...
faith is the blessed assurance of things not yet beheld.
i believe that i am in Good Hands.
i believe that Jehovah will make a way for me, regardless of what human things transpire.
I believe, in my heart of hearts, that I'm going to be okay.
I believe, and that is the truth. I'm not writing this as a whistling in the dark.
BUT...
you learn that people are stupid, or they are trite and like to oversimplify things sometimes. faith and fear can exist in the same space. it is possible. it is happening to me. and my faith keeps me moving forward, but it doesn't eliminate my fear. and i've been here before. this is recent growth.
because once upon a time, this would have been enough for me to do drastic things, to try to find some kind of understanding or some kind of hiding place. now, i just want to send this off, find out what they're going to do with my life, and then turn the rest of this over to my God for him to do what He is going to do, which will be the good that is to come.
I do believe this.
so, i have to keep moving. have to keep working, keep paying my stuff, keep being good for my word, keep talking about what i feel and keep listening to the feedback that i'm getting.
i have to keep living.
and i am grateful to Jehovah for the knowledge that was not bullshit from so long ago...
"when you don't know what to do, do what you know is right."
hasn't failed me yet.
better days than these are coming.
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