i am tired. again. and it's an almost constant situation. is it emotional? i've got a lot going on...or would that shit be considered mental? emotional as well, i guess. then, the physical is slipping, but i'm not eating a bunch of shit. it's not deliberate, i swear...i wake up and it's all i can do to get to work.
i'm so hard on myself, i forgot that my doctor told me i'm anemic, and that probably has something to do with it. a friend suggested it could be the weather changing as well, getting colder again. that's possible, but if that's the case i got to fight through that. the season is changing, loss in the memory banks, and i just can't get my mind around some of the tomorrows that are on the verge...
today i went to my parent's house. my mom sits in her chair, asleep. she can't really get to the bathroom, so a lot of her sitting in her chair has to do with incontinence. but there's nothing i can do, nothing i can really say. i made dinner for her and my father. i did some culinary repair on some things my sister cooked on Sunday that my mom was complaining about as well, but i didn't make a big fuss about it. nothing to fuss about, to be honest...
my dad just goes. he seems to not notice what is happening to his wife, but i know better. it's fucked up that often you have to see the actions away from something to know the impact that something is having on an individual. i have said in the past you know the truth by what the shadow looks like, regardless of what's standing in the light. my dad runs because he can't do anything about what's to come. its enough to make me feel sorry for him, in a way. but it's also enough to make me angry. though, we (or my mother) did create the foundation for this scenario, long long ago...
i feel i'm going to lay it down in a few. i'm tired, really tired. i was nodding the whole afternoon ride. i can't keep going like that. but is it the SS disability thing? the sadness of my mother's condition? the anger with sibs who are unresponsive? the mixed emotions about my dad's continued silent denial? the secrets i'm forced to keep? the anxiety and fear and the heaviness of the season that is coming? will this be a November of depression and woe? i would love if that didn't happen. but i have no say over what i have to survive.
i miss my sponsor. i miss my brother. i wish i had company. i wish i wasn't so tired all the time. i wish...fuck wishing.
thank you, Father. i've gotten through the day, and that's all the promise i needed to come true.
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