SOLITUDE

been a few days.  i've been kind of quiet, because i'm kind of quietly dealing with this pain in my knee.  i'm not sure what it is, exactly, but i suspect the arthritis is getting worse.  it's hot to the touch, swollen, doesn't allow me to put weight on it directly and there is sort of a knot that is discernible to the touch that is not present on my other knee.  then again, when i fell in November, this is the knee that got twisted, so it could be some kind of tendinitis. (cool stuff; looked up 'tendinitis' on Google, and what i'm going through seems more likely to be that according to the Mayo clinic's website info.  i love the internet!)
okay, anyway.  life lately has been more meditative, more introspective than previously, though in some aspects it is very much active and moving constantly.  i like the combination of realities.  i like having to keep this shit moving, having to keep walking, having to keep pushing to get to wherever it is that this new reality is taking me.  at the same time, the things in the perimeter of my daily life - the people, the places, the situations and circumstances - make me wonder just how much of this new reality is 'real' at all.

the job is going well, but i am still more or less looked at askance from most of my co-workers, and my mind is getting to the point of asking itself, 'who the fuck is this particular individual to simply judge me without the benefit of even asking me anything?'  and that's totally facetious, because i don't know that anyone is judging me as a FACT.  it's just the sense i get.  as well, i tend to keep it moving.  no reason to sit, no reason to linger.  there's nothing that goes on there any more that is like ACCESSIBLE socializing. not to me.  i make coffee; i don't bother with soup.  that kind of sums it up nicely, to be honest.

i'm trying to get some stuff done today.  nothing major.  i was going to go to the laundrymat and wash some clothes, but i'll likely do that tomorrow morning.  i'm cleaning my kitchen after i finish this, and my bathroom.  i'm going to go get my supplies early, get that out of the way.  my house bills are paid and i need to help Syd with a couple dollars til whatever she's still getting from CS comes through.

i had a day this week, as i do from time to time, when i didn't do my 'good morning' texts.  i do that sometimes, because when i feel more isolated I like to see if people will reach in to me, as i try to stay connected to them.  as usual, only the offspring's mother reached out.  it makes me hate social media platforms and the invention of text messaging. human contact is so fucking important, and we are allowing ourselves to be whittled away to practically nothing, like a huge, majestic oak tree being hacked and burned away in order to produce a single toothpick.  so i know a part of this journey is remembering solitude, and refining the parameters of my solitude rather than dwelling on the dark side of that, which is isolation.  i am not lonely; i have an abundance of people in my life and a good relationship with God.  i am not friendless; I have a few people who care completely and unreservedly about my well being, and i have a few more who are there as much as they can be, and I have family nearby.  i am not wrong for feeling; i have a right to everything I feel, i am responsible, however, for any actions that might arise from those feelings and so i should be aware of what they are so i remain aware of what actions could be manifesting without my conscious knowledge.  i am okay at this moment, and this moment is all that exists in the known universe.  so...I thank Jehovah my Father and God for the blessing of life today, the resources to take care of myself and the peace that i feel in my flesh at this time.