okay, good...
so, here comes a situation. maybe you're just bored, maybe you're depressed, maybe you're lonely, maybe you're contemplating a homicide or the overthrow of the world as we know it. maybe you just need a hug, or an orgasm, or a really good piece of cheesecake. whatever the case may be, you've been grooving one way for some time, and you're in a bit of a rut. so, you try to change...and find it's pretty damned difficult to do. yeah, you may affect some small things, some nudges and pokes. but the big OOMPH, the thing that makes reality rock and shift and suddenly you're on the road and doing the shit you NEED to do...that's rare, man. it's rare. because after a certain point, habit is habitation. we live in our holding patterns. someone who gives up on their writing dream for a long enough time is not really a writer any more. young athletes who cease their sport of focus become pedestrians again, with sad remembrances of glory days gone too soon. we do things and when we cease doing them for a long enough period of time, we no longer identify with them.
am i wrong here?
i am referring mostly to myself, but i feel this is pretty accurate in my observation of other humans as well. we are routine driven automatons in so many ways, and most of them are unknown to us. and it's so powerful, even being able to see it doesn't just negate the program's hold on you. it just makes you more miserable, because you don't have ignorance as the salve for the wound that somehow keeps popping up on your skin. you KNOW where the bleeding is coming from, but, God help you, you keep re-manufacturing the cut.
and then...sometimes...someone comes along who can HEAR you, someone comes along who can SEE you, someone comes along who can DO WHAT YOU NEED DONE IN ORDER TO SURVIVE. and that person becomes the catalyst for some change. and that change begets more change (way leads on to way), and pretty soon, you're a whole different motherfucker. because there was always that new motherfucker waiting to emerge from the asshole that you were, you just never had a reason to allow that emergence to manifest before. and because of this individual who is not afraid to be real, now you do.
that may not have happened to you yet.
but more likely than not, it has. and you're just not aware that you've chosen to remain in your coma. you have made a choice and you'll have to live with it. and that's sad. it has been for me. and i'm hoping against hope that the past tense of the last sentence is an accurate representation of where i've been up until now
see, i have this air conditioner right now. just got it from Walmart online. it works, it's nice. would be better in a smaller room, but you get what you get. i don't use it often. i have it for when people are by and it gets really hot. in fact, i got it because a friend was coming by to spend time and was slow roasting. and i won't have anyone i consider to be a friend suffering on my account, if i can help it. so i got an AC. and i'm okay with that. it is change. because just stripping to shorts (or less) and chilling with the fan was working for me. and when i only have me to concern myself with (such as now) that is the business. but when i have guests, i want them to not find themselves suffocating in the heat of this house.
on a related note, i haven't walked today. i have been hurting for the better part of the last five days. and i know i should walk through it. but that's sometimes easier said than done. i did a 2 mile walk on Saturday. did a 30 minute walk yesterday. i need this pain to be history for a minute. so i leave it alone. i rest, i work, i take the pills. i feel it easing back. i'm going to deal with it more tonight. tomorrow i walk, i don't care what the level of pain is. because i am responsible for taking care of me. and i am going to do what i need to to make that happen. but, there is more of course.
when i stopped having responsibilities to anyone, when i knew the relationship was never going to dock here, when i realized love had forgotten my address, i stopped giving a damn. now, i do give a damn. my new friend has helped me find my motivation, and i am grateful, and i am determined. i am seeing results already and i'd like to see more. and this is what's so important in this writing...
enough of that, though. no gushing. this is still the JOurney. we're still exploring the inner and outer reaches. i am grateful to Jehovah for moving me into the place where my feet are on good ground. and i'm done for now.
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