what i got from this trip was a good vision of my children. ALL of my children. Syd, De'Ja and Porsha, though Porsha was raised by her father, she is still one of the children of my heart. when i see them, it's time travel. back to the days of them being small, of Syd not even being conceived, of De'ja's anger, of Porsha's sweet narcissism. and now they are grown, and they are working, and two are parents, and they can actually sit together and break bread together and be okay. and though there is still the feel of some displacement - Syd being the one removed, on the outside, where the elder two were both steeped in the city she was born in - they are not at each other's throats as they were when they were young. and that would have been sufficient for a journey.
i also got a sense of ease being in the city itself. it would never be home for me again. there is nothing there that resembles a soul to me. when i go, i see only the faintest vestiges of what used to be my town. but there is prettiness and glitter and shining; there is glass and steel and commerce. there is no real sense of belonging. they are tearing down community housing, eliminating places for the poor to exist, and the poor, as usual, do nothing to resist. i was told the median for rent is now $1600 a month. but there are always places where the poor go to survive. and eventually, everything returns to the disrepair that leisure and covetousness creates, and then the poor have what they require again. and the dysfunctional cycle continues. that is Columbus now.
I have few friends, but they are friends. I see old places still around. i know some poets still maintaining their thing, but they are scattered. the new vibe is to be seen, to be stylish, to be visual and visible. the exhibitionistic voyeurism is now rampant and contagious. so i'm glad i left.
home again. friendships to cultivate, in an absence of words that will be caught up on. work, family, bills, things that need to be done, things that i want to do. i guess the blessing is when you realize that here is right where you need to be, that here is the place where you have your heart. it's not the 'home is where the heart is' nonsense, because the heart is never really in one place; but HERE, this NOW, this WHERE, is enough to feed my heart. and i am so grateful that i have a HERE and a THEN to look back on and realize that i've grown and changed, that i am still becoming and am blessed abundantly.
it's Tuesday morning. I spent the evening learning about my new friend. I have prayed, have read my scripture and taken my medicine. i am going to get dressed, go find a card for a friend. i am glad that this life is what it is, at this moment. and eventually i'll forget that i wrote this, and life will suck again, and everything about it will suck too. but for now...
thank you, Jehovah, for safe travels, safe returns, and hearts that miss me when i'm gone.
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