Nights and Days

sometimes it is still one of those culture shock things to realize my daughter Sydney is grown now.  i think back to when she was born, and it doesn't seem like a 20 year old memory.  but i don't really think of my grandson Timothy's birth as being over a year ago either, so what do i know? 

but looking at this picture, Syd and Deja and my grandson, takes me to all kind of places in my mind and heart.  like, my legacy and my namesake.  and to have time with them, together, at this particular point in time and space even Porsha being a part of things, it was a very powerful and humbling experience for me.  it is the fact of life beyond the boundaries you believe exist. 

i mean, i had failed these children.  i struggled in the end of my time in Columbus, just trying to keep them fed.  it was one of those 'nothing ever goes right' times in my life, where thing after thing would fall apart, and i'd hold the despair inside because i didn't want them to know how scared i was, how dark my insides were.  but the plan was there; bring it all to an end, suicide, give them to their mom and just stop failing and stop falling and stop feeling anything at all.  and i am so glad, so very, very glad that is not what God saw fit to befall me at that time.

the realization that i've lived most of my life in a depression is pretty amazing.  i only just realized that.  how much i've lost in the dark, how many people have fallen away, how many i've cut loose, how few remain.  and the change is not yet done.  to know that i don't have to stop because i am in a dim space in my head, that some good things, some good works, some positive words, some good lyrics just might emerge as long as i keep it moving.  like when we were kids and we were learning to play football, and you were taught, when you had the ball, it don't matter if five people are trying to tackle you, keep your legs moving, you might get another two yards, you might just break the pile up and get a good gain, but keep your legs moving.  it's the mentality that i know, the one i grew up with.  i don't know if my brother Jerry remembers those times, if it was even the same for him, being that he was a smaller built guy and much faster than i was.  but he sure as hell don't quit, and he inspires me to keep it moving too.

it is going on getting up time.  i've been up since about 230 though.  not a bad thing.  i've slept, caught up with my sleep.  i've had a good day yesterday, had a decent evening, ate well, walked, saw my grandson and my daughter, talked to my mother, found out Rachel will be helping them with the cleaning.  all good things.  i am about to pray and get up and get it started, having turned off my alarms for now.  short runs today.  no first pickup, no first drop off in the afternoon, no extra run on Tuesday.  lunch with Joshua.  in fact, i'm about to do something that will make me feel even better (not than prayer, but than other physical things today), and that's the best way to start a new day after a good night.  so, thank you Father, for your protection and love, for your empowerment and your discernment available to me.